Sexy Saturday Round-Up

19 Apr

Lady Smut Sexy Saturday blueHey Sex Bunny! We’ve got your hip-hop hippetty-hoppity weekend of fun links right here.  Check it out –

From C. Margery Kempe:

Dear columnists romance fiction is not your b*tch (or we have plenty of romance-writing feminists RIGHT HERE, you morons)

Party Monster Club Kid Paroled

National Library Week (US): 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Your Librarian

From Madeline Iva:

It’s news that a female celebrity doesn’t want to have children????

What’s so bad about looking fat?

Like your guy all warm and fuzzy? The beard trend is apparently guided by evolution.

Gross! Beauty queen has plastic sewn on her tongue to lose weight.

Here’s a great place to find new romance books & authors to check out: The 2014 Rita Finalists.

From Elizabeth Shore:

Weird things men do that women just don’t get.

The ultimate splurge: a $500, 24-karat gold manicure.

Who says Easter’s just for kids? Get in on the fun by giving your special someone an adults’ only naughty Easter basket.

All alone this weekend? Don’t worry, with this guide to female masturbation, you’ll be feeling just fine.

 

Happy Easter, everyone!

 

 

How To Guide: World Domination

18 Apr
Buy CMK's book!

Buy CMK’s book!

by C. Margery Kempe

Some people use the holiday to give gifts, bond with families and eat too much. These people will never control the globe.

Lots of people have a good string of days off this time of year when they are free of the mundane tasks required to make a living scraping by in a moderately successful job. Most will spend their time imbibing festive drinks and visiting other locales. The more ambitious, however, will put this freedom to better use by formulating a plan to dominate the world.

While reading Manisha Thakor’s piece on how women seldom ask for raises, instead hoping their hard work will be noticed and rewarded (it won’t), I was struck again by the failure of so many women to risk not being seen as nice. ‘Nice’ will not conquer worlds: look at Dick Cheney. I’m sure Alexander the Great did not remember his co-worker’s birthdays. And if Stalin ever brought cookies to the office, they were probably poisoned. If you want to rule the world, keep a few of these things in mind:

Have talent

It’s not essential, of course. Look at any number of talent-free celebrities. But it makes it a lot easier. For all the outrageous fashion choices and outlandish theatrics, the heart of the Lady Gaga empire is damn catchy music and a fabulous voice. Actual talent makes it easier to navigate through the inevitable bubbles of backlash that strike anyone who achieves an inordinate amount of success.

Have a brand

When you hear the words Stephen King or Oprah Winfrey you have a picture in your head, not to mention the sound of screaming, for somewhat different reasons (usually). Your mission must be clear: world domination on its own can be perceived as nakedly aggressive. Try to come up with some thing more friendly and beneficial. Ideally, your brand statement should fit within a tweet and look good in an appropriate font. Theme songs help, too. Defining your brand identity can help you clarify what your goals are and when you drift from them. Focus is key to success.

Have a plan

Most attempts at world domination fall down on the details. Conquerors tend to be people with vision rather than clerical skills. This can lead to problems if you try to expand your empire too quickly. Unless you’re the Russian mafia or Thomas Kinkade, you’ll probably benefit from staying on the right side of the law. Given that women and children make up the vast majority of those living in poverty, this cannot be emphasized enough. It’s no good dominating the world if you end up broke, jailed and despised (e.g. Thomas Kinkade).

Oh, sure—world domination may not be on your agenda, but a more focused and conscious approach to your career, whatever it may be, will give you benefits beyond the immediate future. Things are tough out there and we all need to be smarter about our paths and clear about our goals. The good news is romance writers tend to be better at this than other kinds of folk.

It’s better than stuffing your face with all those chocolate bunnies anyway. Happy Easter! And hop down the bunny trail with the Lady Smut crew if you want to keep up with what’s sexy.

 

 

[Original version of this diatribe appeared at Bitch Buzz; forthcoming in The Triumph of the Carpet Beetle]

A Lot of Sex Going on in the Regency: Q&A with Ella Quinn

17 Apr

by Madeline Iva

Unknown-1

Ella Quinn’s lates book in her series.

Kensington author Ella Quinn is a pistol.  I met her three or four years ago and was instantly impressed by her force of will. Where many only envision future success, Ella built a plan and then executed that plan with a swiftness that left me breathless.  I think she must have been a marine in another life.  ;>  

MADELINE IVA: I know we both share a big soft spot for Georgette Heyer. How does her work inspire you?

ELLA QUINN: We do! I love her wit and her strong characters. I will never be a witty as she is, but I knew I wanted to write humorous books, and have interesting characters. Not dark, but fun. I also wanted to add a more sensual aspect to traditional Regency. Which has thrown some people.

MADELINE IVA: Yes, let’s talk about sex. I noticed in one of your books that both hero and heroine are widows. Back in the day most historicals featured untouched virgins, etc. Do you see that trend shifting these days as regencies get a little hotter?

ELLA QUINN: I think you have a lot of hot Regencies, but most of them are not traditional Regencies. There seems to be a split, and a great deal of argument about how much historical accuracy one should have in the genre. I don’t buy into that argument at all. I fail to see why one can’t tell a good story and be accurate at the same time.

MADELINE IVA: Hear, hear! Good for you–I think a book like that sounds fantastic.

Unknown-2ELLA QUINN: Let’s face it, there was a lot of sex going on during the Regency. Well over 50% of births among the upper classes took place in less than nine months of marriage.

MADELINE IVA: I had heard that statistic for Victorian times–I didn’t know it also applied to the regency. Yowza.

ELLA QUINN: If the question is do I think you’ll see hotter traditional Regencies, I don’t know. Last summer at RWA Nationals, Grace Burrowes told me I was the only one writing hot traditional Regencies.

MADELINE IVA: Well then! Do you think it’s easier to write a love scene where the people are a little more experienced?

ELLA QUINN: After writing a few where I have an experienced couple, I’d have to say not easier, but more fun. There isn’t all the attendant drama of the “first time.” On the other hand, most it my virginal heroines are pretty take charge ladies, and because my heroes are well versed in bringing women pleasure, they are more than happy repeat the experience.

I had one young woman question whether a lady could go from virginal to wanton so quickly. All I can say to that is you need the right lover.

MADELINE IVA: (happily sniggering)Have any other historical authors out there inspired you to head in this direction? I’m thinking Deanna Raybourn, or Grace Burrowes?

ELLA QUINN: Before I joined RWA’s The Beau Monde chapter, I truly lived under a rock. Other than Georgette Heyer, the only Regency author I’d heard of before I started writing was Stephanie Laurens. She was the one who made me see there could be sex in Regencies.

Regency author Ella Quinn

Regency author Ella Quinn

MADELINE IVA: You live in a truly enviable place–a tropical paradise with iguana’s hanging about your back yard and with yachting regattas, and orchid shows.  You even mentioned that Oprah and Gail were out in a yacht in the harbor.  Do you end up waving at Oprah and Gail? I would probably end up wasting away in Margaritaville in such a location. How do you stay focused?

ELLA QUINN: I didn’t. Their boat was too far out. It’s interesting; I probably wouldn’t have started writing if I hadn’t moved here. It’s a really inspirational place.

As to focus, I’m ADHD (not diagnosed until my thirties when my son was), and back in the day, I had to learn to keep at what I was doing. So no breaks for me or I can’t stay on task. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I used to sew a lot. But I’d stay up all night and make the outfit from beginning to end. I don’t pull all nighters any more, mostly because if I write when I’m tired, it looks like gobbley gook.

MADELINE IVA: And you are focussed. From having a plan, you’ve achieved success in a few short years.  How did you go from having a concrete plan to making it happen?

ELLA QUINN: Before I was half-way done with Phoebe, I knew I would write a series. It took me a month to finish the first draft, then I went to the only writers’ forum I’d ever heard of, the Compuserve Writers Forum. There I learned about critique groups, RWA, and the Brenda Novak auction. I immediately joined RWA and bid on a critique from an agent in the auction. Because I could use the agent’s critique as a rejection, although she did say she thought I’d be published, I fast forwarded to PRO. That’s when I finally found a critique group that worked for me.

Now I say finally, but the length of time was actually two months, three if you count the time to write the first book. I knew there were problems with the first book, other than head hopping, but I didn’t know how to fix it. So, I called Jerry Cleaver from the Chicago Writers’ Group. He advised me to read his book, and if that didn’t help, then he’d mentor me. I was writing the 3d book when I attended the NJRWA conference, and a lovely person, Madeleine Iva, helped me get more agent/editor appointments. That’s when I discovered I had a query problem with the first book.

MADELINE IVA: ;> Glad I was helpful.  Certain aspects of your plan–like having an agent–aren’t strictly under your control. What’s the key to your success?

ELLA QUINN: One, I firmly believed that writing was something I was supposed to be doing, and I was open to both self-publishing and traditional publishing. I gave myself a deadline to make a decision. I joined QueryTracker and took a shotgun approach to querying. They were very helpful for not only finding agents to query to, but for keeping track of the queries sent.

For the second book, I sent queries to forty agents. I received several requests for partials and two requests for fulls. I received an offer, but then my agent asked for an exclusive for a month. The day of my deadline, I received the offer I wanted, eight months after I’d started writing.

UnknownMADELINE IVA:  It’s a lot of work to carry out swiftly. Many people choose self- publication because they like to speed up the process of publishing–but you’ve managed to move quickly even with a traditional publisher.

ELLA QUINN: I thought to myself, I don’t have that much time. I was already fifty-eight and wanted to be published before I turned sixty, and I was.

MADELINE IVA: Are you ever tempted to stray from the historical realm into another genre? If so, what would that genre be?

ELLA QUINN: I do have an idea for a short time-travel, probably a novella, but I’m pretty busy with the series. Putting out three big books a year, plus marketing, take a lot of time.

I really don’t see myself willingly leaving the Regency period. Because my characters are extremely prolific, I’ll end up in the Victorian era, but the late, Elizabeth Peters has given me some wonderful ideas around all the restrictions of that time.

MADELINE IVA: That’s so much for stopping by, Ella!

beacchReaders if you want to know more about Ella’s books, here’s a great link to the series.  Ella Quinn writes and lives in outrageously beautiful St. Thomas on the Virgin Islands.  She wakes up every day to paradise (baring an occasional hurricane).  If you friend her on fb, you can see these gorgeous pictures that she posts of her home from time to time and she has great give aways going on. 

All you Regency fans out there: say ‘yoiks’ to more frolicsome, roguish fun and follow us at LadySmut.

And The #1 Sexiest Feature Of A Guy Is …

16 Apr

Couple woman hugging man from behind

By Elizabeth Shore

I had a blast this past weekend hanging out with writer friends from my local RWA chapter at our annual writer retreat. We talked about books, writing, plotting, characterization, and held an extended critique session. But when the work was done and it was time to play, naturally the conversation progressed to things a bit more, well, naughty. And, in the spirit of naughtiness, I asked for their comments on something I’d just read from TheRichest.com about the top 10 sexiest features of a man’s body, as rated by women. The interesting thing about the article was that it included polling results from the women, as well as tidbits from the men on how they thought we’d rate them. To no one’s shock and surprise, disparities abound between the women’s results and the men’s assumptions.

The most obvious discrepancy pertains to a certain male, ahem, appendage. As you might imagine, guys thought that ol’ Mr. Johnson downstairs would rank much higher on the sexy scale than it actually does. Women, in fact, ranked it #9, just ahead of chest and shoulders (which, curiously are combined as one unit). So, chest and shoulders #10, junk #9.

Men thought their tushes would come it at #8 – butt they were wrong! Instead, making its debut at #8 on the sexy male features hit parade  is neck.  We gals like a guy’s neck, at least according to that poll. It is indeed a nice masculine part of the body, especially when grazed with a bit of stubble. A very subtle hint of cologne’s not a bad thing, either.

When my romance writer gal pals were putting forth guesses on what they thought would be included, eyes were figured to be #1. And why not? Eyes communicate so much between people. You can gauge another’s emotions strictly by the expression in his eyes – happy, sad, afraid, pissed, turned on – it’s all right there. And who doesn’t enjoy obvious looks of appreciation from the opposite sex? His eyes burned with desire as they roamed every inch of her body? Sounds a-ok to me! Logic would suggest that with all that going on, it’s enough to rocket eyes straight to the top. TheRichest.com poll, however, puts the peepers at #4, behind flat stomach, slimness, and the number one hottest feature of a guy . . .  (drum roll, please) . . . his butt!

As mentioned earlier, guys thought their derrieres would come in at around feature #8. Gals, however, ranked it right at the top. We’re no different from the guys in how much we like a good bum. Also, according to the poll, shape is more important than size. Small, large, or somewhere in between doesn’t matter, but a good tush has gotta have that curve to really make us swoon. Or drool. Or something.

To recap, here’s what the poll revealed to be the top 10 sexiest male features according to women:

10. Muscular chest/shoulders
9. Penis
8. Neck
7. Hair
6. Height/tallness
5. Long legs
4. Eyes
3. Flat stomach
2. Slimness
1. Butt

More than what was on the list, I have to admit (with my pals backing me), how surprised I was by what wasn’t on it. Where, for example, were hands? I always always notice a guy’s hands. Good hands are such a sexy feature (and I’m not even talking about what those hands can do!). Hands, like eyes, can be so expressive. People talk with their hands, work with their hands, caress with their hands. Men with nice hands – straight fingers, not too long, not too stubby, cut nails (a MUST), skin lightly tanned . . . for me that’s a sexy feature indeed. A fellow writer friend would add arms to that. Where were arms on this list, she wanted to know. It seems like a glaring omission.

Where were brains on this list? As Madeline Iva pointed out in one of her posts, smart guys are damn hot. And last – but in no way least – what about smile? Who doesn’t notice a man’s smile? Personally, I also notice his teeth. Yeah. Teeth. Hey, teeth can get really close to you in place few are ever allowed. Do you really want teeth the color of morning pee nipping at your skin? I rest my case.

This list, like many of its ilk, is really just all in good fun. It’s not as if scientific data is baked into the formula with consensus on definitive conclusions. And really, perhaps the sexiest feature of all is when a man is really into you. That’s enough to make any girl swoon.

Sound off on what you think are a guy’s sexiest features below, and don’t forget to follow us at Lady Smut. We bring you sexy features every single day.

 

 

 

Like Honey

15 Apr

Do you Like Honey?

Liz Everly does.  This the third book in her super spicy culinary romance series.  She’s away today but check out her book!

Unknown

 

The Golden Years of Love and Sex

14 Apr

by Kiersten Hallie Krum

I visited my 95-year-old grandfather in the nursing home this weekend and I wasn’t in the common room  five minutes before there was a cat fight between two elderly woman while the man over whom they sniped watch The Three Stooges without care. Apparently, the woman who canoodled with the man was not his wife though she frequently claims to be so, along with several other male residents.

eldery lovers

The woman who objected was, essentially, calling the other woman on her shit. It is likely the most acrimonial interaction I’ve ever witnessed in a elderly-care facility, though that’s not to say it’s uncommon. When my mother served as director of nurses in a nursing home, she often had wild stories of unapproved slumber parties among the residents.

Just ’cause you’re old, doesn’t mean you’re not horny.

We like to think of elderly love in adorable pictures that will make you believe in love again. But the truth is that nursing home and retirement communities are increasingly more like college campus dorms and Greek houses—togas not included. People are living longer and are in better health during those extended years. And as women outnumber men in most nursing homes 7 to 10, throw in some little blue pill action and the Golden Years become a playa’s paradise.

Nursing homes are scrambling to adjust administration policies to account for seniors who are still ready and eager to rumble with each other. “Very few nursing homes around the country acknowledge the sexual behavior or intimacy of their residents,” Daniel Reingold, president and CEO of the Hebrew Home for the Aged, told public radio program Here & Now last August. “We realized that there needed to be a grown-up conversation and a grown-up policies and procedures to govern this behavior.”

An editorial in The Journal of Medical Ethics argues that “while every effort should be made to ensure that no resident comes to harm, RACFs [residential aged care facilities] must respect the rights of residents with dementia to make decisions about their sexuality, intimacy, and physical relationships.” Many of them already appear to be doing so. A federally-funded study by The New England Journal of Medicine found that many older Americans engage in sex, oral sex, and masturbation. According to the study, 53% of people between 65 and 74 are sexually active, a number that decreases to 26% for individuals aged between 75 and 85.

“Somewhere along the line, the idea of sex got tangled up with the concepts of youth and virility. Which led to the idea that sex is only for the young and healthy, and even the misconception that sex is dangerous for the elderly,” notes Rachel Lesser in Sex in the Nursing Home? The Surprising Facts About Senior Sexuality.”

Not all elder care institutions are so sanguine about allowing residents  the freedom to love.  After the Windmill Manor, Coraville, IA scandal in 2009 where two dementia patients were found having sex with each other inciting questions of consent and accusations of rape, many elderly care facilities chose to crack down on the rise of sexual activity between their residents rather than risk a similar situation. “This is uncertain terrain,” said Dirk Johnson and Julie Scelfo in their Newsweek article “Sex, Love, and Nursing Homes.” “American nursing homes are scrambling to frame policies that respect—and protect—their 1.6 million residents, a number that will soar in coming years as baby boomers continue their inexorable march to old age.” At the moment, only 18 states currently allow conjugal visits in nursing homes and only four allow those to be outside of a marital status.

Things become more complicated by the fact that the majority of senior citizens are from an era that predates the education of safe sex. With pregnancy no longer an option and hanky panky a top choice on the seniors menu, STD testing has become as common a requested health maintenance test as colonoscopies. “In 2011 and 2012, 2.2 million beneficiaries received free sexually transmitted disease screenings and counseling sessions. And more than 66,000 received free H.I.V. tests,” says The New York Times Sex and the Single Senior”. Chlamydia infections also increased between 2007 and 2011 by 31% and syphilis by 52% in the 65 and older crowd. “Both ageism and age-related changes in the body result in the ability for STDs to be contracted more easily and go undetected for longer, which could potentially cause more harm,” writes Lara Belonogoff in Caring.com’s “Sex and Seniors: the Debate Continues”. Yet there are no reports of elder-care facilities installing a condom machine next to the low-sodium snacks.

Back at the Hebrew Home for the Aged in Bronx, NY, respectful policies are already in play for staff to use when handling romantic and sexual relationships between residents. “Our position is very strongly that consenting adults who have capacity, this is a civil right of theirs,” Reingold said to Here & Now. “They do not give up a civil right simply because they are in need of nursing care in a facility. And that our obligation as a nursing facility is to encourage their civil rights, as we would do with respect to voting.” This applies to same-sex couples as well as the home discovered when one of its married residents began a relationship with another male resident in the home. The Hebrew Home worked with all three parties to address the needs and desires of all.

Most of us are more comfortable believing our parents never had sex beyond the required means for procreating our selves and siblings. Surely considering the sex lives of our grandparents causes skeevy feelings in entirely new places. But people at every age want love and companionship and while the levels and abilities may alter, desire remains full and real. It is a privacy issue and a rights issue but above all, it’s a love and sex issue.

cris anson

My friend, erotic romance writer Cris Anson, is a woman of a certain age who cheerfully writes her novels with the joie de vivre of a woman half her age. Delightfully bawdy, Cris had the opportunity to be her own cover model in her book What She Needs where the heroine is a cougar experimenting new sexuality with a younger man, ably demonstrating that in print as in life, love and romance can and do happen at every age.

Follow Lady Smut. We take all (legal) age groups.

Keeping Myself A-Mused

13 Apr
The Muse demands a sacrifice.

The Muse demands a sacrifice.

By Alexa Day

My Muse has been on a roll lately. Projects are in motion, notes are flowing, and I actually submitted something a few days ago. I couldn’t be more pleased with the guy.

By the time you read this, I will be off giving him a reward: our very first Bloody Mary and some people-watching at a popular bar. I’m already a little excited about it. It’ll take some of the time I should be investing in my tax return, but it’s important. Unfortunately, I had to discover the hard way that creative playtime is more important than creative work time.

After Illicit Impulse came out a little over a year ago, my life descended into chaos, and not in a sexy way. Let’s just say shelter was the only thing I was certain of, and that’s because my landlady is a friend. During this time, while I was trying to get my book the visibility it loves so much, I spread myself pretty thin, and long story short, my Muse got the shaft (and not in a sexy way, heyo!). I knew I had to be working, but I couldn’t scrape together enough creative spark to get anything useful on the page.

When 2014 arrived, I had done little to deserve my Muse’s attention. I needed him, but all I could get from him was eye-rolling and some worn-out sounding prose.

Then came Metallica.

I was in my car, trying to cram 45 minutes worth of food into a 30-minute lunch interval when the Muse started to rock out to a Metallica four-play. When the Muse is rocking, I see little flickery snippets of story, and he was showing me some good stuff that afternoon in the parking lot. Then the music was over, and he was back to eye-rolling.

I asked what he needed. Yeah, passersby could see me. Those people are used to seeing me talk to myself, I hope.

The Muse wanted a beer. That night.

I started to make an excuse and got more eye-rolling. Okay. That night it was.

So I took the Muse to a bar, and I got him a beer and myself a burger. Before long I was hearing some absolutely filthy dialogue. The Muse loves his India Pale Ale, and I put that dialogue to work as soon as I got home. Everybody won.

Now I know the Muse needs to play from time to time. I also know I can’t keep drinking like this. Not only is it a horrible cliche, it’s expensive and time-consuming, and the work suffers when I’m hung over.

Just the thought of this is enough to overstimulate my Muse.

Just the thought of this is enough to overstimulate my Muse.

Instead, I’ve broken the creative playtime options down into a few different categories. If I need to get back in touch with my senses, I might go for a long drive, windows down and music turned up, bound for the mountains or the beach. I’ll try a new recipe with new ingredients. I’ll photograph the flowers emerging throughout the neighborhood.

If I need to be around people, I’ll arrange for a girls’ night or hit happy hour or drag my introverted self to a party. And for the more … illicit stuff, there’s always the neighborhood strip club. Alas, we only have one male revue here in this one-horse town, but I’m committed to keeping it in business.

If I need a quick fix, I’ll pull out the crayons or head down to the museum or settle in with someone else’s poetry. Or I’ll read outside my chosen genre. Reading James Dickey’s Deliverance has been pure Muse candy; I could read his description of the Southern road trip (before the unpleasantness) every night like a prayer.

After playtime is over, I’m ready to get back under the keyboard and really have some fun. It’s so refreshing to write like the craft is new, without pressure, without concern for the business, with freedom and joy. And I get more done, too. Everyone wins, right?

So it’s best for everyone involved if I have that Bloody Mary. Now I just have to figure out how to make it and all those singles from the strip club tax deductible.

Follow Lady Smut. We’ll get those creative juices (and the Bloody Mary mix) flowing.

Sexy Saturday Round Up

12 Apr

Lady Smut Sexy Saturday greenHey sex kittens!  Liz is off visiting a magical kingdom this week, but the rest of us are here to deliver to you the best the newest the most tightly laced news in romance land.  Enjoy!

From Madeline:

Ladies–ready to take over Wikipedia?

The humiliation of a wine delivery guy who was raped in Romania. —Wait! They deliver wine to your home in Romania?

What’s the what when a gay man is attracted to women?

Can men and women be ‘just friends?’ Yes, but keep things in check.  Here’s what to do if flirting gets out of hand with your best buddy.

Does your va-jay-jay need a little Vitamin D? I know mine does.

From Elizabeth:

This kinda weird, kinda fun geeky quiz tells you what kind of person you are.

A black man who’s never dated a black woman? Insightful article from the black woman who was his first.

Hmmm, see if you agree with this. The top 10 sexiest accents in the world.

Think you’re faking it successfully in bed? Not so fast . . .

Ummm, I can think of some unusual places to have sex, but next to a dumpster isn’t one of them.

From C. Margery Kempe:

RIP, Sue Townsend

Disability Studies Reads the Romance

Jane Friedman’s Complete Guide to Query Letters

PCA/ACA 2014 – The romance menu (if you’re going to the Pop Culture Conference)

 

How to Write a Book Review

11 Apr

Love On A Spoon by CM Kempe - 500by C. Margery Kempe

I’m always surprised to hear people say they really liked a book but were reluctant to write a review because ‘I didn’t know what to write.’ Those of us who write for a living can easily forget how intimidating the process can be for folks used to diving into the joy of the words from the other side.

The truth is, however, that our work only gets found by the grace of those who enjoy it and say so. Your voice, reader, matters so very much. It needn’t be much of a burden either if you keep it simple.

Let me use the Amazon template as a model to demonstrate this:

First, they ask for a title. The best title is one that sums up the gist of your reaction as you’d give to a friend or co-worker. ‘It was a hoot!’ Or ‘This one made me cry’ or ‘so hot my windows steamed up!’ A first impression of some kind makes a good title.

Next the rating: five stars means you really enjoyed yourself reading this. It doesn’t have to be perfect (what book is?) but really hitting the high points. A four perhaps signifies a more problematic issue, though not one that takes away the enjoyment much. Sometimes four star reviews are the most insightful for the writer.

Three stars means it was a mixed bag: be sure to say what you liked as well as what you had problems with. More information helps other potential readers (and the author) know where it fell down in your expectations.

Your mileage may vary, but I don’t bother with two or one star reviews unless I have been asked to review a book and can’t get out of it. If a book warrants so little, why bother finishing it? Life’s too short to read bad books.

The review itself will flow from the choice of the title and your decision on the ranking. Other things might include why you chose it (friend or blogger recommended it, or maybe the cover art piqued your interest, or you won it in a contest), whether you regularly read in the genre, or any other context for your reading experience. We all have expectations when we pick up a book. If you’re a regular reader in a genre, you have different expectations than someone new to it.

Amazon only asks for a minimum of 25 words for reviews. That’s a fairly low bar to hurdle, even if you start out hesitantly. It’s easy to copy and paste reviews to Goodreads or LibraryThing, too. The more reviews there are of a book, the better chance people have of finding stories they’ll love.

Bookstores are closing, there are fewer professional reviewers — where will we get recommendations if the real readers don’t step up? Readers and writers will thank you for your efforts!

Be sure to follow the Lady Smut crew — we keep you up to date on what’s sexy (reading is always sexy).

Warlock Masters: Ow, ow, ow!

10 Apr

Unknownby Madeline Iva

Here’s the short version: Warlock Masters by Domingo Rhodes is packed with amazing descriptive language, is big on hard core gay masochism and short on paranormal/fantasy.  Buy it here.

Long version: Brace yourselves, ladies, because there is some really explicit stuff below.  Super explicit.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So, I have an acquaintance who is a straight guy DJ around town. He has a regular gig at this gay bar where with some frequency the drunken gay guys—thinking he too was gay–would hit on him.

 What was that like? I asked, all agog and thinking here was some research I could maybe use one day.

“Aggressive. Guys slamming me against a wall. I mean, I’d almost have to fight a guy off. For real. Feel all jittery afterwards. I feel sorry for women now, having to put up with that kind of thing.”

And guys like this stuff? Well, I guess they do.

At least some do. Step into another world for a minute, as we explore WARLOCK MASTERS.

“They could hear him grunt, that mean grunt he likes to do that says I’m gonna hurt that hole, Bitch you gonna know I been in you,”

To which I say: Ow!

One time in college I asked my queer gal pal:

Why if you like girls do you like a girl dressed up as a cute boy? Why not just like cute boys? I’m confused… 

And she said a girl dressing up as a guy was transgressive. What she was attracted to was a women who was transgressive, thus she was attracted to women dressed as a cute guy but not cute guys themselves.

Okay—so I’m thinking maybe this rape-y talk, you know, (my white liberal guilt is talking here) maybe this is being transgressive in ethnic-y gay world? Yes? Like they like guys to talk that way, but maybe not actually hurt their hole???????

(And for more evidence of our love of this transgressive submissive stuff– See Elizabeth Shore’s post on The Ultimate Down & Dirty Bromance–Why Ladies Love Gay Porn.)

So combine the aggressive sexual thing with the transgressive gay thing and put it in a book…and I’ll still say “Ow, ow, ow!”

I couldn’t help it.  I mean, I’ve been thinking for awhile about writing a post on butt sex. Something with more butt positivity and a less waving of hands like they have had on Dear Author here here here here and here.

My understanding of anal sex in the real world is that some women do and some women Definitely Do Not. Guys seem much less wired up about the topic.

The erotic romance/romance world seems mostly full of women who are not up for back-door sex. In the way that once upon a time having sex before marriage signified something, and then giving bj’s signified something–there always seems to be this dividing line between ‘good’ girls and ‘dirty’ girls.  Anal sex has perhaps become that dividing line in our modern age.

Good girls do not have anal intercourse. Nor do they really understand why anyone else would want to.

Which is interesting if you think about it, because:

A)  Everyone knows that M/M romance is a strong seller in erotic romance. I assume, meanwhile, almost all m/m romances include at some point some anal intercourse.

B)   Meanwhile, good girls (well, women) are often pro-gay. Gay men have anal intercourse—and they like having anal intercourse. So why do I almost never get the feeling that good girl women are like “Why-oh-why would my gay friend ever ever want to do THAT?”

Well, at any rate, Warlock Masters is never going to convert any butt-shy romance lovin’ ladies out there into trying a little back-door fun.

Yet certainly, the use of literary language is transgressive:

“…a bottom boy’s ass, promising succulence, melon ripeness, pungent odors trapped in a deep dark trench which beckons the passionate parting and the loving attention of a sedulous tongue.”

Wow! And it’s like that all the way through– that velvety language cushions the harsher thrusts to the narrator’s bum, which is even at one point called his ‘pussy’.  These stories just don’t pull any punches. There is plenty of, um, porn-masochistic-ish action going on here:

“…and before I knew it Trajan had yanked his dick out hard, making my hole sigh and spasm up a ream of his cum, and he’d lifted himself up on his knees on the bed, said weight release allowing me to turn and raise my head just enough (despite exhaustion and the still reverberant echoes of intensely pleasurable pain from being so masterfully fucked down like the whore I am)”

—At this point my eyes are almost popping out of my head–

“…to espy a long, well-muscled and heavily hairy white torso beside me, and even furrier trunk legs with a half-hard left-leaning thicker-near-the- head baton of a pink uncut dick that—blink and it happened—let loose with a few hard sprizzles followed by a stream right at my face. 

Yes: The bottom boy was me, and all that I really got to see was Andre Metzelder’s thighs, flat stomach and glorious forest of a treasure trail (being more or less hairless, you see, j’adore les poilus), though I wish I’d seen more. Trajan was right, though: I was a slave and he was fucking me just the way I liked it (hard/fast/hot load in my chute). Piss I wasn’t necessarily so into, not in and of itself at least; but nothing makes me happier than big handsome dicks on handsome men, and therefore I pretty much groove on whatever happens to be coming out of said dicks at a given time.

“Open up, bitch,” Karim sort of whispered, but with just enough meanness to give me an instant erection (not having been at all able to maintain one with Trajan’s monstrosity lodged in my rectum).

So began a lovely lovely summer, my own summer of love.”

Ow. Very ethnic guys talking about being slaves. Ow.

At the same time Rhodes is alternating phrases like ‘open up, bitch’ with j’adore les poilus. I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure I’ve ever witnessed whimsical French phrases tossed off in erotica before. I gotta love it, even while I’m scratching my head.

The magic stuff is there in these stories, but it’s always thrown in as a bit of an afterthought.  A few stingy chocolate sprinkles on one fu**** up cupcake. It’s not really paranormal the way you and I know paranormal. Just sayin’.

The last eye-crossing shock appeal in reading Warlock Masters is that it has a quote by Samuel R. Delany. If you’re not a total sci-fi geek (guilty) the name might only sound vaguely familiar to you. But having Samuel R. Delany review this book is like showing up at your hair salon to discover that Gisele Bundchen is the one who’s going to cut your hair. You feel kind of faint at the same time that you’re saying to yourself, “Wait a minute—what does Gisele know about cutting hair?”

I'm Samuel R. Delany, and I endorsed this gay smut.

I’m Samuel R. Delany, and I endorsed this guy-smut.

Here’s what Samuel (Chip to his friends) has to say about Warlock Masters:

“Four wonderful inventive tales, as only Domingo Rhodes could write them, that appeal to the darkness within us all.”

Okay, then. I say these stories are written by/for someone who’s gay, by/for someone who likes guys all the colors of a café au lait rainbow (really the descriptions of guys—their junk and their legs mostly–is the best part,) and by someone who can write like the dickens.

Chip if you’re out there reading this post, please think about following our blog. You too reader. Just push that little follow button to get yer ever lovin’ Lady Smut, seven days a week.

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