Talk Like A Hot Girl…While Talking About Hockey


There are a lotta, lotta hot guys who play national hockey.  Here’s one.

Patrick Sharp

Patrick Sharp of the Chicago Blackhawks. Yum!

Here’s another.

Carter Oosterhouse.  Family man.  H-a-w-t.

Carter Oosterhouse. Family man. H-a-w-t.

On the ice, a goalie is a human padded up to look like a wall.  Not so glamorous.  Then he lifts up his helmet and—oh my!

Mike McKenna, a goalie.  6'3" of gorgeousness.

Mike McKenna, a goalie. 6’3″ of gorgeousness.

Ryan Kesler.  What position does he play? What do I care?

Ryan Kesler. What position does he play? What do I care?

I have a little story about hockey guys.  They are intense.  I went to a college hockey game once with a bunch of other girls and sat in the bleachers.  None of us went to this particular college, so we didn’t know anyone in the stands or on the team.  But there was this guy playing on the team—I coulda sworn that he was staring at me through the glass as he passed by.  But how could that be? He was playing the game—a busy, violent, frantic game.  He was slamming into tall sides of beef, and he was going to get slammed to kingdom come himself if he wasn’t paying attention.

Then at one point, they took a break, helmets went up, and he skidded to a stop right in front of the glass. In front of my spot on the bleachers where I was looking like a deer in the headlights. I don’t think I’ve ever received such a pointed stare from a guy in my life.  His hair came down past his ears, he was sweaty and tired, and that stare was not hiding anything.  It was hot, it was intense.  Suddenly I didn’t feel chilly in the ice rink.

I’m just saying.

Meanwhile, say you want to watch a little hockey in a sports bar. Say that while you’re doing this some brooding hot intense guy happens to sit next to you and he likes hockey.  Say you want to talk with him about it.  Okay, here are some quick pointers.  Women don’t have to actually know much when it comes to scoring points with guys for liking sports.  They just have to avoid making asses of themselves.

images-2

My stick curves to the right, cause that’s the way I like it.

To sleep with the guy: Hockey involves hitting the puck with a hockey stick into the goal.  It’s pretty simple.  Some guy hits the puck real hard and it goes straight to the goal—that’s called a ‘slap shot’.   Got that? Puck, goal, slap shot. Really, it’s much easier to talk about than football.

Hot Girl Line: Hey, that number 7 has a mean slap shot.

The hockey stick can curve to the left or the right.  It all depends on the player’s preference.

Hot Girl Line: So you play hockey? Which way does your stick curve?

But what if you’re interested in more than Mr. Brooding Hottie’s best slap shot at the end of the night? What if  you want to actually get to know the man? Here are some key pointers in talking hockey that will get you into a deeper conversational mode.

Positions

I can think of more interesting positions.

First the positions:

They’re is not so important, actually.  What’s important is that you won’t understand hockey until you understand that there is one key position missing from this official chart.

That is the position of The Enforcer.

You’ll notice the enforcer when you watch hockey.  He’s the guy who comes out and is doing this:

Fight

It’s not so easy fighting on skates, but we manage.

Which, admittedly is pretty messed up.  But that’s why hockey is SUCH a bad boy’s game.  Wikipedia (which is a much better source than it used to be, btw) explains The Enforcer role this way:

Patrick angry.

Patrick angry.

Enforcer is an unofficial role in ice hockey. The term is sometimes used synonymously with “fighter“, “tough guy“, or “goon“. An enforcer’s job is to deter and respond to dirty or violent play by the opposition. When such play occurs, the enforcer is expected to respond aggressively, by fighting or checking the offender. Enforcers are expected to react particularly harshly to violence against star players or goalies.

Enforcers are different from pests, players who seek to agitate opponents and distract them from the game, without necessarily fighting them. The pest’s primary role is to draw penalties from opposing players, thus “getting them off their game”, while not actually intending to fight the opposition player (although exceptions to this do occur). Pests and enforcers often play together on the same line, usually the fourth line.

Got it? The Enforcer is a sorta glamorous position on the team, but in a f***ed up way.  The Pest is not glamorous. Do not mistake a pest for an enforcer.

Mistaking the pest for the enforcer does not make you sound hot.

Mistaking the pest for the enforcer does not make you sound hot.

Hot Girl Line (while watching man emerge onto ice and head straight for another guy, and then bloody him): Is he the enforcer?

Not Hot Girl Line (while watching a pest provoke players): What a crappy enforcer.

Meanwhile, you know how some sports have strings?  Like there’s the A string, the B string and then the bench warmers? In hockey they have lines, not strings, but it’s kind of the same thing.

Not Hot Girl Line: Which line does the enforcer play?

This does not sound hot because if you read closely above, you’d remember that The Enforcer almost always plays the fourth line.

Types of line

  • The first line is usually composed of the best offensive players on the team. Teams heavily rely on this line, which generates the bulk of the team’s scoring. These players often see the highest number of minutes among forwards in a game.
  • The second line is generally composed of second-tier offensive players, and helps by adding supplementary offense to that generated by the first line while contributing more two-way play than the offensively-focused scoring line. Higher end (typically first line) players may be put on the second line to spread scoring across the lineup, making a team more difficult for opponents to defend against. This frequently happens when a team has two high-end players who play the same position.
  • The third line is often called the checking line, and is generally made up of more defensively oriented forwards and grinders. This line is often played against an opponent’s first or second lines in an effort to reduce their scoring, and physically wear them down. The third line adds less offense than the first or second lines, but generally more than the fourth.
  • The fourth line is often called the “energy line,” both because their shifts give other players a chance to rest, and because their physically oriented play is said to give their teammates an emotional boost. It is usually composed of journeymen with limited scoring potential, but strong physical play and, as often as possible, strong skating abilities. With the smallest amount of ice time, they tend to play in short bursts rather than pace themselves. Pests and enforcers usually play the fourth line.
  • The penalty kill line is a specialized line of four or three players employed when a team is shorthanded due to a penalty. As the name describes, this is a primarily defensive line meant to prevent the opposing team from scoring during their power play.

So that’s enough info to get you and Mr. Brooding Hotness into a great convo. Now go buy yourself an oversized hockey jersey (because girls look really cute in them) and get out there to a sports bar.  Have a deep conversation about your conflicted feelings regarding enforcers–What it would mean to the game if they were no longer necessary?

I want you so bad...

I want you so bad…

No homophobia on our team.

No homophobia on our team.

Meanwhile, yes, hockey is about fights, but it can also be about acceptance.  The Toronto Marlies had their whole team sign a pledge to end homophobia in ice hockey. (Sniff!)

Looking to stay home in your oversized hockey jersey instead? Maybe you’re up for some great romance reads that feature hockey?  Look no further. Amazon has a great list of hockey romances here.

Enjoy!

xx Madeline

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7 Comments

  • tallulahrose
    January 7, 2013 at 4:38 am

    I love coming over here because we are kindred spirits as far as blog design goes…

    As for hockey.. Can’t confess to know a lot about it but a hot guy is a hot guy… Happy New Year to you…xx

  • madeline iva
    January 7, 2013 at 8:24 am

    I know! I noticed that too in looking at your blog. And yes, a hot guy IS a hot guy. Esp. when he’s sweaty. ;>

    • Elizabeth Shore
      January 7, 2013 at 9:38 am

      Loved this post, Madeline! And how timely since the NHL lockout is about to come to an end. As a shout-out to hot hockey guys, however, I must mention my favorite, Henrik Lundqvist. I’m just saying . . . http://bit.ly/108G6FX

      • madelineiva
        January 7, 2013 at 11:29 am

        I’m so glad. Thanks! 🙂 Meawhile YES to Henrick! He almost made it into the post… Let’s face it, there were many, many, men to choose from. And we can both rejoice that the lock out is over….

  • johncoyote
    January 7, 2013 at 10:30 am

    I like the woman who like hockey. She must drink Canadian beer and know all the records.

    • LizEverly
      January 7, 2013 at 12:35 pm

      Huzzah! The beer sounds great to me. Hockey is one exciting sport. Thanks John for stopping by the blog so often. You, too Tallulahrose! What a great post, Madeline.

      • madeline iva
        January 7, 2013 at 1:38 pm

        I like men who like women who like sports. Canadian beer, eh? Is it better than American beer, or just, you know, Canadian?

        Thanks for the luv, Liz! 😉

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