Meat Checks & Other Mayhem on Find Me My Man


Natalie

Natalie knows best.

FIND ME MY MAN sets the tone immediately with the title.  These women are toxic bachelorettes for one reason or another.  Their supreme matchmaker, Natalie Clarice, says the show is relationship therapy for “women with a lot of issues.”

That’s putting it nicely, because this is about watching crazy and makes no bones about it.  The show has a simple formula: first we get an eye full of some woman giving into her toxic thang.

Like Mercedes, who is stunningly beautiful.  When dating a guy, one of the first things Mercedes likes to do is what she calls “A meat check”.  She wants a picture of his penis for her iphone and she wants it before the first kiss.  As a friend delicately puts it: “she wants to verify before buying,” —putting this show WAY over the top.

Next, Natalie, our matchmaker sends out all her clients on a fake date with one of her associates, who provides a canvas for the client to paint upon with all the colors of her particular crazy.  Mercedes, for instance, discusses how she wants a guy to put some effort into his penis photo.  What about using a colorful backdrop?

Meat check

Who knew? Meat checks are a no-no on a first date.

Next, a client is marched back to Natalie for the reveal–Mercedes is introduced to her fake date in his true guise.  Then Natalie gives her hell. This is the kind of show where the matchmaker proceeds to beats up her “client” until there’s a throw down and it’s over, or until the client breaks down and practically weeps.  Then the client is patched up and told she’s all better if she just listens to someone else and stops being so crazy.

It’s a depressing formula and I’m not saying the show is fake, but it can feel a little too easy to see such supreme crazy followed immediately by such easy catharsis.

On the other hand, Natalie is African American, and so are most of her clients.  Myself, I don’t think that there’s enough television programming for people who aren’t covered in heavy spray tan. I also find African-American cultural ways and expressions refreshing from the norm you see on TV.  It was that more than anything that kept me hooked.

Mercedes

Mercedes learns an important lesson: sometimes a cowgirl position is just a cowgirl position.

On the first episode Mercedes learns not to pre-judge a guy so quickly.  So maybe he likes the cowgirl position in bed–it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a lazy lover.  Mercedes returns from her second date reluctantly confessing she played nice. “I was really good, I didn’t violate him, didn’t meat check him.”

By the end Natalie has proven her genius.  Sending off a reluctant client with marching orders: “The bitch switch, turned off,” she waits for the client to return with a glow.  Gushing over her gorgeous date, the client sums up her Cinderella moment. “It’s like, damn, where the hell you been?”

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5 Comments

  • cmkempe
    April 18, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    I so have no urge to watch television. All the things you post about here are just — wow.

    • madelineiva
      April 18, 2013 at 6:03 pm

      Yeah, it probably makes better telling than watching…

  • Elizabeth Shore
    April 18, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    Wow. Interesting, Madeline! Haven’t heard about this show. Sounds crazy indeed! What network is it on?

    • madelineiva
      April 18, 2013 at 6:03 pm

      I have no idea–I watched it on Hulu.

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