Posted in News
June 13, 2013

Stranded on a Desert Island: A Lady Smut Quiz

GuamPick the answer that best describes you:

1. I dream of being on a deserted island when:

a) What dream? I’m heading for a scuba-diving trip to Guam right now-who’s with me?

b) When I’m hanging out with my special vibrating ‘friend’.

c) Every damn day since the school year ended.

d) Whenever I add to my tiki mug collection.

Fox2. If ever I were stranded in a tropical setting, I’d want to be stranded with: 

A) Timothy Olyphant (The Perfect Getaway)

B) Josh Holloway (Lost)

C) Matthew Fox (Lost)

D) Adam Sandler (50 First dates)

drinks2. When I’m at the beach I like eating:

a) raw sea urchin I catch myself

b) whatever local fish is at the closest restaurant where we can sit and look at the water.

c) a picnic from home stuffed with cold pesto chicken salad on baquettes, marinated artichoke heart salad, and raspberry brownies. (Yum!)

d) a pitcher of mai-tai’s at one of those bars where the tropical drinks are the size of bird baths.

Your typical desert island bad boy--Josh Holloway
Your typical desert island bad boy–Josh Holloway

3. When I’m on the beach I like to:

a) oil up, lie down, and indulge my sun tanning addiction.

b) Roll around with a guy in the waves, a la Burt Lancaster and Debra Kerr in From Here To Eternity

c) Slather myself in sunscreen before I start looking like an old baseball mitt.

d) Wait–have I ever actually been to the beach? Hmmmm.

My ideal Volcano God
My ideal Volcano God

4. In my desert island fantasy:

a) After a bonfire, we go skinny dipping in the ocean at midnight.

b) We make love in a secret cave you can only get to by water.

c) We are on the beach–no wait, too much sand.  We are in a hammock–no wait, that would tweak my lower back.  We are in a hut, but one without roaches, or rats, and somehow there’s a little fridge there that works–and a bathroom–and an outdoor shower with warm water–and big fluffy beach towels.

d) I’m a virgin sacrifice to a volcano god who happens to look just like Jemaine Clement.

5. At the end of the week (or month, or year–but who’s counting?) I return to civilization:

You’re home away from home.

a) to pack my things–I’m a-movin’ to Hawaii!

b) with one perfect sand dollar to remind me of the trip

c) with a blistered red nose, a few photos, and a very special yeast infection from sitting around in a wet bathing suit.

d) to pack my things–I’m moving into the volcano with Jemaine.


If you picked mostly A : Congrats! You’re a bonafide beach rat.  Whether it’s underwater cave spelunking or body surfing rip tides on a South African beaches, your soul does a happy dance the second you smell the briny tang of an ocean breeze.

If you answered mostly ‘B’: You’re a beach romantic.  A morning walk on a foggy beach is your idea of heaven.  You’d be happy even on the beaches of colder climates–say Scotland, Maine or Iceland.  You don’t need sun and sand dunes to enjoy the ocean’s solitude.

Mostly C’s: Ahoy, land lubber.  To you beaches mean sunburn, piles of stinky sea-weed, and sand fleas.  Stick with beachy decor in the house (island breeze candles, maybe?) and tropical drinks at the bar.

The D Group: Whaaaaa-waaaaa! (The buzzer sounds).  You’re ready for the Tiki-Lounge maybe, but not Tahiti.  You enjoy the kitschy side of beach life, but probably won’t visit the real thing any time soon.Tiki

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  • cmkempe

    I hate hot weather. If I ended up on a desert Iran I imagine it would be like the Milky Joe episode of the Might Boosh. I had some friends who had amazing tiki bar though (until they broke up).

    And Adam Sandler? *shudder*

    Reply to cmkempe
    • cmkempe

      Iran?! Thanks, autocorrect…

      Reply to cmkempe
  • madelineiva

    I have to admit, I score down in the land-lubber/D group when it comes to warm tropical settings. Not to mention that I crispy-fry in the sun. However, I’ll rock scramble over little tide pools on a cold beach any day!

    As for Adam Sandler–I’m with you 90% of the way. I kind of liked 50 First Dates, but kind of found it disturbing too. But he did do that very interesting/provocative film Punch Drunk Love. Very art-film/indie-ish. I think you’d like it, M. 🙂

    Reply to madelineiva
  • ellaquinnauthor

    LOL. Well I live on an island and go to the beach almost everyday. I’ve already been scuba diving on Guam, and I do like a restaurant where I can look at the water. I think I’d pick my hubby to go with. You forgot the sailboat. Tweeted.

    Reply to ellaquinnauthor
    • Post authormadelineiva

      Yes, I live all my island fantasies vicariously through you. 😉

      Reply to madelineiva
  • Elizabeth Shore

    Certified land lubber. Hot weather and I aren’t the best of friends. Old man winter on the other hand . . . well, he’s kinda cute. 🙂

    Reply to Elizabeth Shore
  • madelineiva

    Thanks sweetie! I think that’s why I love stuff about islands, coves, –Ella’s posts, etc. You get to enjoy it all without the sunburn, sharks, and jellyfish. ;>

    Reply to madelineiva
  • LizEverly

    I love the beach, but I rarely get there. I’ve been to St. Thomas and St. John and I’d go back in a heartbeat. But I’m reminded of a scene in Saffron Night, where Maeve is lying on the beach and thinking it was a good thing she didn’t live near a beach because she’d never get any work done! I wonder if I would! Fun post!

    Reply to LizEverly
  • madelineiva

    Succumbing to beach head where the brain turns out nothing but a buzz like happy bees is definitely a part of the charm of going all tropical…

    Reply to madelineiva

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