Mutual Masturbation Or, Going Solo With Company

Couple kissingIn erotic romances there are endless creative ways that authors “spice up” the sex scenes by moving beyond the traditional guy/girl going at it in the bedroom. Nowadays we’ve got ménage (pick your pleasure, either F/M/M or F/F/M), group, gay, voyeur, bondage, and on and on. But I read an interesting article on mutual masturbation recently that caught my attention because its focus centered on incorporating it into lovemaking as a way to enhance the relationship. It wasn’t just sexy for sexy’s sake, but rather an element of lovemaking whose objective is to boost the intimacy and understanding between couples of what really gets their engines revved. In other words, “do this to me, baby, and you’ll have me screaming ’til the cows come home.”

Author of the article, Dawn Michael, is a certified Clinical Sexologist, according to her website. In her article she writes, “understanding your own body and how it functions sexually, including what feels good to you and how to achieve an orgasm, is what makes for better, more intimate sex with your partner. That’s one of the many reasons why masturbation—especially mutual masturbation—can help create better intimacy in a relationship or marriage, both sexual and emotional.”

That seems to make sense. So I wonder, why do I not see a lot of these scenes in erotic romance? There are some, of course, and there are some that come close. Telephone sex springs to mind – a topic I wrote about here on Lady Smut some time ago. Here’s the link if you want to check it out. I suppose there’s also masturbation with someone while you’re in an internet chat room, but since you can’t even talk to the person I’m not sure that counts as doing it with someone. Anyway, if mutual masturbation truly deepens the level of intimacy in a relationship, as Ms. Michael asserts, and our hero and heroine are on their way to falling in love, why is it not standard fare in erotic romance?

Could it be the embarrassment factor? I’m thinking of the ladies in particular. Maybe women don’t feel comfortable showing their partner what turns them on through masturbation and therefore it doesn’t carry over into erotic romance. Perhaps it’s a kind of performance anxiety. I don’t know. I guess I’m not buying that. Our heroines are strong-minded, confident women. Being wilting wallflowers about demonstrating to their lovers what they like while making love doesn’t seem quite right.

Certainly mutual masturbation has its fans. Check out what this guy has to say.

All in all, it seems like this may be a spicy gem that we authors could start more frequently incorporating into our erotic romance. What do readers think? Is this a sexy element that we need to pay more attention to? Is it a turn on? Something you’d like to see more of in erotic romances? Feel free to let us know. Also, be sure to follow us by clicking on the button to your right.

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  • madelineiva
    July 17, 2013 at 7:59 am

    Nicholson Baker wrote a novel called VOX that had mutual masturbation/phone sex taking place. And there’s that great scene in The Truth About Cats & Dogs…

    I’ve heard people say that women in our society are still a little sexually repressed. They’re not supposed to want it bad, and know all about it. Many women still want a sense of innocence (thus so many virgins/inexperienced heroines). Many want a sort of surprise factor, a kind of “Omg I had no idea that would make me feel so hot!” factor from the hero, or some sort of situation where she HAS to get it on in some uber-sexy way.

    And I get it — why? Because there’s a lot of skeezy sex stuff out there that’s demeaning to women. I think what’s missing is a sense of romance when it comes to mutual masturbation. Hmmm. Great post, Elizabeth!!!

    • Elizabeth Shore
      July 17, 2013 at 10:50 am

      I agree completely, Madeline. With mm there can really be a strong emotional connection while building intimacy between the couple. I feel like this is a relatively underused romantic/sexual element in erotic romance. Food for thought in my future books! 🙂

  • LizEverly
    July 17, 2013 at 11:30 am

    I have to admit—there is a sort of mutual masturbation scene in CRAVINGS, my next book, due out in November. They see one another through windows and masturbate. I don’t know if that counts or not, since they are in different condos! I have a number of masturbation scenes in this book, but mostly it’s the female character masturbating while the male watches. I definitely think this is something that can be explored more in erotic romance.

  • madelineiva
    July 17, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    You know, you both are making me think more about this. I guess what you’re making me realize is that not only is there this issue of how to make mutual masturbation more romantic, but I should be thinking about masturbation in a whole new way.

    Isn’t masturbation about taking power over your own sexuality? Yes, and for that reason we should include it more often. We should include more scenes of women taking power over their sexuality, admitting to themselves what they want, and then aiming for it and going after it.

    Well, now my mind is absolutely pinging with ideas. ;>

  • LizEverly
    July 17, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    You’re right, Madeline. In the case of my main female lead, she worked as a prostitute for years and most of the masturbation scenes in CRAVINGS are really about her finding her way back to her own sexuality, after years of simply pleasing everybody else. Great topic, Elizabeth!

  • Karen Stivali
    July 18, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    I’ve written mutual masturbation scenes that increase the intimacy level between partners in several of my books. The most recent is in an erotic romance that just released from Ellora’s Cave (Decadence) and my first was in a novel that is women’s fiction but happens to feature open door, fully described sex scenes (Meant To Be, published by Turquoise Morning press). As a writer who doesn’t believe in fade-to-black sex scenes regardless of what genre I’m writing, I am always interested in having the couples in my books experience their sexuality as individuals as well as exploring it as a couple. I think it’s very important to both character development and relationship development. It’s never done for shock value, it’s done to enhance the intimacy. And it’s fun to read.

    • Elizabeth Shore
      July 18, 2013 at 3:38 pm

      I agree completely! They are fun to read and I think lend a level of intimacy between the couples that can sometimes even go beyond actual lovemaking. Bravo, Karen! And thanks for stopping by!

    • madelineiva
      July 18, 2013 at 5:39 pm

      Have to check it out! Thanks for stopping by Karen. 🙂


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