Crazy Badass Luxury: What It Feels Like Being Fashion’s Bitch


I was looking at September Vogue the other day.  It’s a great value, the same price as a regular mag for a thick tome that could kill somebody if you chunked them on the head with it.  I do recognize that upon reading a Vogue I enter this twisted world.  Instead of reading the articles and ignoring the ads it’s just the other way around.

My thought process was something like this: on the off chance I actually wanted to buy some new clothes and look fashionable this fall, what’s in fashion right now?

I’m here to give it to you straight ladies, it’s looking bad–it’s looking real bad out there.

Finally, after careful analysis I’ve deemed that you have three choices for creating that cutting edge look this Fall:

1) HAUTE GRUNGE

Haute Grunge

2) HUNGER GAMES

Hunger

3) CAGED CRAY-CRAY

Alexander McQueen is dead.  Long Live Alexander!

Alexander McQueen is dead. Long Live Alexander!

Let’s take them one by one.

HAUTE GRUNGE

Haute Grunge = heroine hipster chic.  With a streetwalker twist.

Pony coat

Now, everyone loves to mock hipsters–it’s practically a recognized sport where I live.  Yet their look is surprisingly hard to pull off.

Exactly!

Exactly!

Penny tried it on the television show Happy Endings when she met a guy in a laundromat and went on a date with him only to realize that he hadn’t run out of clothes on laundry day–no he wore those mismatching clothes all the time.  He LIKED  looking like that.

Not hipster either.

Penny has not quite mastered the ironic expression–see above.

So she tries it herself, but she’s a bit of a miss.  She goes for a kind of Minnie Mouse meets school girl geek and misses the mark entirely, almost, sorta.   I mean, the glasses are almost on the money.  Also hipster women are very skinny for starters, and if you’re wearing a bow like that, it’s ironic and you need an expression to match.

No wonder then that this mysterious retro-ish hard-to-pull-together look would suck fashonistas right in.  Of course they had to muck with it.  They embrace the move towards hipsterdom first by taking the easy path: picking out really ugly granny coats for fall.Granny

Then they muck with the look some more, by adding in what they call a slightly rock-n-roll look, but what I call the big furry coat prostitute look.

Hey Mister--wanna date?

Hey Mister–wanna date?

(I always was slightly appalled at how Carrie wore one in Sex & The City–and yes, she was frequently mistaken for a hooker.)

It's actually muskrat.  (Ew!) Hey Mr. Big wanna date?

It’s actually muskrat. (Ew!) Hey Mr. Big wanna date?

Now I loved Grunge, don’t get me wrong.  And hipster clothes are very interesting–if it’s a hipster wearing them.  It’s just that the Haute Grunge thing blows chunks.

Haute G

Turning to the HUNGER GAMES LOOK:

Games

Inspired by Effie from the Hunger Games, this look is straight up over the top, no chaser.  Love it.

Will the real Effie please stand up and simper.

Will the real Effie please stand up and simper.

Only one problem–Nicki Menaj has already taken this look and made it her own.  Don’t be a Menaj wanna-be — stay away from the Hunger Games look. Menaj

CAGED CRAY-CRAY:

I mean, some times I too have a bad day and need a cage for my face–who doesn’t?

Face cage

It helps with dieting too.

This look is definitely Goth gone sideways.

The sideways can take the shape of 60’s acid minimalism like this amazing eyeball coat.  Or it can involve cray-cray shoes with curved heels or striped pony boots.

Yes, but where would you wear it?

Yes, but where would you wear it?

I don’t know about you, but just the other day I was going to go out and was looking at my wardrobe thinking: “Now why haven’t I bought myself a pair of striped hairy zebra pony boots? Why? Why?”

Do you hear the sound of pounding hooves?

Do you hear the sound of pounding hooves?

Because I would look ugly in them is why.  You do not want people to look at your feet and associating them with the sound of thundering hooves across the savanna.

I’ll admit Caged Cray-Cray is my favorite look for Fall — it’s just that I would never wear these clothes.  Why? They’re not feminine and I would never look good in them.

Do I love them as arty objects? Yes.  Will I put them on my body? No.

Though I would love the eyeball coat if it came in an umbrella or a purse.  That would be whack.

RESTRAINED GOTH INSPIRED:

as if to give my eyes a needed rest, there’s this Louis Vuitton ad with Michelle Williams.

Michelle

A little goth, a little fem.

See, Vogue, that’s what I want to look like.  Is that so hard?

Love the look–Too bad the bag is so ugly.

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7 Comments

  • cmkempe
    August 12, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Fashion changes with the season, style is eternal. I have style.

  • kathrynkjohnson
    August 12, 2013 at 9:26 am

    So…I guess this Fall I just stay in my PJ’s. Can’t look any worse than what these designers have in mind. Anyway, isn’t that what writers do? I mean, who am I going to impress except for the cats?

    • madelineiva
      August 12, 2013 at 11:17 am

      You are so right! Yet I happen to know cats love haute grunge. ;> (I will not make jokes about little dead mice in designer flannel shirts, tho’ I am sorely tempted.)

      • LizEverly
        August 13, 2013 at 9:40 am

        Cats love haute grunge? Hmmm.

  • Sofie Couch
    August 12, 2013 at 11:37 am

    Do what? I dress like that – haute grunge – all the time. Of course, my eyes are closed and I’m sleeping, and the curtains are drawn. I thought we were all in agreement that nightwear should remain worn only at night – not in the grocery store, or the book store, or , okay, Wal-Mart. You can wear your fleecy pajama bottoms to Wal-Mart. But that’s it. Obviously, it’s specialty clothing. Sheesh.

  • Elizabeth Shore
    August 12, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    The caged cray cray look is almost sporting a ruff. A ruff! As in veering toward Elizabethan times. It’s just like my mom told me. If you hold on to something long enough it’ll come back in style. 🙂

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