Where No Penis Dare Go

mancityBy C. Margery Kempe

Because I recently finished writing M/M/M ménage I suppose it was inevitable to have permutations of penises in my head, but somehow outside my head there does seem to be an explosion (d’oh!) of strange penis-related stories about just now.

Or maybe they’re always there and I’m just noticing them more at the moment. If you know anyone in the health care industry, doubtless you’ve got more stories of the ribald and racy kind. My friend [name redacted]’s husband has delighted in showing us X-rays of the things he’s had to pry out of people. “Guess what happened today?” he says with eager glee and whips out his phone to show us. It can be anything: “Look, staple gun accident!” or “This started as a bet.” He always takes before, during and after photos.



XKCD has had enough of this!

I don’t know if the epic Mumsnet “Penis Beaker” story has made it across the pond yet, but it’s certainly entertained a lot if people, whose reactions range from horror to disgust to helpless laughter.

But wait — as they say on infomercials — there’s more! In fact, there always seems to be more.

How about this: penis in toaster?! That may be the best “places not to put your penis” story ever.

But what of penis-terrorism? Surely that’s what all men worry about on a daily basis (what Freud couldn’t bring himself to really say). Your worry has not been in vain; they really are after your penis. Well, one rugby player is.

Okay, maybe after that story you need a special kind of unicorn chaser: how about this? Fun things to do with your penis.

Do you have any favourite ‘unusual places for a penis’ stories?

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  • Elizabeth Shore
    October 11, 2013 at 10:16 am

    OMG, that penis beaker thing was the funniest thing I’ve read in ages!!! Oh, f**k, my makeup is running everywhere, gotta go clean up . . . hey maybe I can dunk my face in a beaker!! Absolutely hysterical!!

    Margery, thanks for the laugh. I SO needed that. Still chuckling . . .

    • C. Margery Kempe
      October 11, 2013 at 10:57 am

      Hee! 🙂

      • LizEverly
        October 11, 2013 at 11:28 am

        Okay–first I read that as penis “baker,” which also would have been funny. But maybe tragic. LOL. Fun post, Margery!

  • C. Margery Kempe
    October 11, 2013 at 12:02 pm


  • saschaillyvichauthor
    October 11, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    Heh I have no actual penis story, I’d like to think I’m a higher caliber of male than the average male…oddly enough the interesting thing about my life is what “I” consider normal…

    • LizEverly
      October 11, 2013 at 7:39 pm

      Thanks for responding! Cheers!

    • C. Margery Kempe
      October 12, 2013 at 6:18 am

      So you say, but we need some kind of evidence 😉 probably much like the rest of us. Kink is a wide tent.

  • C. Margery Kempe
    October 14, 2013 at 7:51 am

    Reblogged this on C. Margery Kempe and commented:

    Erm, well — self explanatory, really!

  • Rebekkah Mee
    October 18, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    That beaker story is gold. As for one of the commentors using baby wipes to clean… urgh, even non-scented smell so awful. We use a discarded t-shirt if at hand or just take a shower when finally able to use legs again. Some free advice, be careful of semen leakage on wooden/tiled/lino flooring as you walk to shower- can cause hilarious accidents if you happen to slide on a patch.

    • C. Margery Kempe
      October 18, 2013 at 5:01 pm

      Good tip!

    • Madeline Iva
      October 18, 2013 at 6:51 pm

      And why does no one in romance novels ever seem to encounter the problem of wet semen? It clumps up like rubber cement. Really annoying!


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