10 Bad, Bad Things
by Madeline Iva
1) When you had too much to drink and end up vibing the hunky guy in your group. Even though you think he’s an asshole.
2) Watching True Blood just so you can sing along with the theme song BAD THINGS by Jace Everett.
3) When you’re not looking at Jared–the hunky asshole–or talking to him–or even sitting across from him, but you still feel sparky-sparkies flying between the two of you to the point where you have to wonder if everyone else can tell.
4) The erotic romance BAD BAD THINGS by Lolita Lopez.
5) When crossing from your table to the women’s room feels like being on a ship crossing the high seas.
6) When Walter and Phyllis start behaving badly in DOUBLE INDEMNITY–but Walter’s totally up front about it.
Phyllis: I wonder if I know what you mean.
Walter Neff: I wonder if you wonder.
7) When you walk into the bathroom just in time to hear Jared’s girlfriend say to someone, “Madeline knows Jared is my boyfriend, right?” and you feel soul cringing embarrassment 🙁
8) When it’s time to drive home, and somehow, the last seat is shotgun—on Jordan’s lap. So you climb on, looking past his nose while he’s looking past yours, but the sparkies are filling up the entire car, completely swamping those seething waves of fury from Jared’s girlfriend buried in the backseat somewhere.
9) When you’re trying not to notice the, um, emergency brake you’re sitting on, so you try recalling the book titles on Good Read’s list of Best Bad Boys Erotic Romances to distract yourself.
10) And when that doesn’t work, you try thinking about your favorite bad girl movies like WILD THINGS, SPRING BREAKERS, KILL BILL, RUN LOLA RUN, GHOST WORLD, and BODY HEAT, but exit the car to stagger home weak-kneed, confessing to your gay friend that you were helplessly vibing Jordan.
And then your gay friend says, “Oh, but I’m so drunk I was helplessly vibing him too. Could you tell?”
So you finally get to laugh with relief and feel better—Because there’s no balm for being really really bad when you didn’t mean to–except being in the company of a really really good friend.
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