October 31, 2013

I’m a Monster–A Monster! 10 Reasons Why We Like Cuddling Monster Dudes

Dr Trans
If you build it, maybe you can have sex with it? Dr. Frank N Furter was a DIY sexual genius.

by Madeline Iva

Craving large hairy hands on your hot bod for this spooky holiday? That’s right we’re talking monsters today — sexy paranormal hotties, and even old skool howling towers of misery that wanna cuddle.

Ultimately, us intelligent, quirky gals find monsters eternally appealing.  Here are the top 10 reasons why:

1) I Feel Pretty if monsters are ugly, then we’re automatically pretty by comparison.  No monster ever told his girl she could stand to lose a few .

2)It’s A Matta of Ethics–Your monster dude has probably killed people in the past (hey, it happens). Well don’t that make you look good? You can go from being the woman with cheeto crumbles on her shirt to Mother Teresa–if only by comparison.

So you didn't pay your taxes.  He's killed people.  Polish that halo and wear it with pride.
So you didn’t pay your taxes. He’s killed people. Polish that halo and wear it with pride.

3)Because Life is a Box of Chocolates–Left Out in the Sun for Six Hours.  Face it, life is a lot more messy than Harlequin romance care to admit.  Sometimes we feel drecky.  Untidy.  Parking tickets, those hairy legs (yours not his), and when was the last time you bought new underwear? However Monsters have a whole other level of mess  going on in their lives.  When they’re pursued by a howling village mob they won’t really mind your unwashed sheets.

4) Oh the humanity! — No monster worth his salt is complete without a big set of bedroom eyes.  Those puppy dog glances pierce your soul with their humanity.  You can’t help but recognize and respond to it.

Those puppy dog glances pierce your soul with their humanity. You can’t help but recognize and respond to it. Except for Mr. Fishy here.

5) Lower the bar — Maybe you’re too picky? Dating that monster might just shut the pie hole of your own personal peanut gallery.  No frenemy’s gonna say he’s out of your league if he’s recently served Satan in hell.

6) Stepping Outside the Box:  Hooking up with a monster is the ultimate in unconventional relationships.  The added bonus is it’ll drive your folks crazy.

7) Childless or Child Free? Monsters don’t seem to procreate — and that’s okay.  Vampires can’t have kids either.  Unless they can.  But mostly, no, they can’t.  This doesn’t really bother a lot of heroines as far as I’ve noticed.  (Hmmm.)

Scott Speedman in Underworld...yummy werewolf guy.
Scott Speedman in Underworld…yummy werewolf guy.

8) Beauty & The Bling Monsters are often wealthy…Census records indicate there were zero homeless monsters in 2012.  QED: Most monsters are a good catch. In financial terms that is.  As long as deep down, you know, they don’t want to kill you.  (I’m talking to you Edward Cullen.)

9) Wild Thing. I think I love you — phantom of the opera, vampires, werewolves, frankenstein, demons, mutants (and all X men types in general) all they need is love.  Monsters are sensitive, mostly, I guess.  They certainly emote. They want to connect, even if it’s only in terms of grunting a lot.

10) Kiss His Boo-Boo & Make It Better— Monsters need nurturing.  Yet all they encounter are haters aka society.  You can repair the flaws of an unforgiving world by showing your favorite boo-beast the best side of human love.  Don’t be fooled; despite his difference your monster man ultimately craves acceptance.

I wanna hold your hand. Fine, just don’t rip my arm off like last time.

Now it’s your turn reader — What’s your fav kind of monster? Do you like them pretty on the outside and bad on the inside or vice versa? I hafta say sometimes I don’t mind a little big n lumpy–especially if he bears a strong resemblance to say, Javier Bardem or Liam Neeson.

Meanwhile, put that candy back in the bowl–it’s for the kids. Follow our blog instead — For zero calories you can treat yourself to some LadySmut fun every day.

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  • Post authorLizEverly

    Number 10 speaks to me (mostly). Um. Or that’s the only one I will admit to. Grin. fun post!

    Reply to LizEverly
    • Post authorMadeline Iva

      I totally fess up to…well all of them. Perhaps this is why I’m such a crazy magnet.

      But I especially identify with #3. After all, I watch TV shows because they make me feel better about my untidy life in contrast to others. Hoarders. Breaking Bad. Etc. How can I NOW walk away from Hoarders without feeling like I’ve got it going on? If I put a bag of items for goodwill in my car then I’m REALLY on top of my life.

      Reply to Madeline Iva
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