Deck The Halls With Your Sparkling Vagina!


Sexy blond By Elizabeth Shore

Brace yourselves, everyone, because Thanksgiving is a week from tomorrow. That means the holiday season is officially upon us. GAAAH!! Time to make spicy cider, decorate the house, buy festive clothing . . . oh yeah, and schedule an appointment to bedazzle your vagina. That’s right, ladies. This week Lady Smut’s talking luxury. It’s time to get vajazzled.

In the “old” days, sparkles used to be confined to blouses, handbags, jeans, shoes, but what about your poor neglected lady parts? No longer relegated to being hidden away like a shameful secret, nowadays you can make your coochie shine like new car chrome. And it’s oh-so-simple. First, if you’re still sporting a landing strip, get rid of it. Get rid of it now! Head over to the spa and have every last bit of hair waxed and plucked until you’re newborn-smooth. Then you can enjoy the fun part. The vajazzling artist adheres shiny little crystals in the design of your choice all over your hairless hoohoo and presto-chango, you’re now vajazzled, your newly adorned crotch as sparkly as a firecracker.

I’ll be the first to admit, I haven’t been vajazzled nor do I know any woman who’s got crystals on her clam. So in the absence of information, questions come to mind. First of all, how long do the little crystals stay put? Do they fall off by themselves or do you need a second appointment to get them plucked off? Is said plucking painful? But perhaps even more importantly – and likely because, as an erotic romance writer, I write a lot of sex scenes – does a vajazzled vajay-jay add vavoom in the bedroom?

Let’s set the scene. Your hero and heroine are frisky and decide to  get down to business in the boudoir. They kiss, they touch, and off come the clothes. But if they’re doing the horizontal mambo in the missionary position, facing each other, wouldn’t his manly thrusts pound against her pubic bone and therefore send her crystals flying? Or alternately, if they stay intact, would there be painful rubbing for both participants? Seems like the hero would suffer almost a rugburn-like effect if his weight rests atop hers as he moves. All I can think is ouch! Also, what if you want your hero to head south and delight his gal with some oral pleasure. Let’s say he’s kissing her bejeweled hoohoo and one of those crystals comes loose. And maybe it goes in his mouth and he starts coughing, and gasping, and accidentally chokes on the damn thing. That’s what I call a major buzz-kill.

Despite all that, I can see a vajazzled coochie being sexy. Some unexpected sparkle as the panties slide down. Yet practical matters abound! The hair re-growth, for example, as little stubbles start peeking up through the jeweled adornment like weeds poking through cracks in the sidewalk. If those crystals are still hanging on, being surrounded by stubble would more than ruin the intended enticing effect.

The good news is, if you’re still not sold on adding a glitterly sparkle to your crotch, there are other options for indulging in vaginal vanity. How about getting a vajacial – a facial for your vagina. Or go all out for vaginoplasty to tighten things up down there. Nothing wrong with giving a little love to your little love box. It’ll make you both happy happy.

And if you want to stay that way, don’t forget to follow us at Lady Smut. Our posts will keep you smiling.

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26 Comments

  • Madeline Iva
    November 20, 2013 at 8:10 am

    …or we could all just go back to the good ole days and in the words of Gwyneth Paltrow, “rock a 70’s bush.”

    ‘Cause real men like a way to tell the big girls from the little girls in the dark.

    • Elizabeth Shore
      November 20, 2013 at 9:22 am

      Definitely no sparkling crystals peeking up through a bush, but a heck of a lot easier in the maintenance department. 🙂

  • elfahearn
    November 20, 2013 at 9:43 am

    “Crystals on her clam”! OMG you make me giggle, Peachy. What an hilarious posting.

    • Elizabeth Shore
      November 20, 2013 at 10:01 am

      Thanks, Doll! We aim to please. 🙂

      Honestly, this whole vajazzling thing is giggle-inducing to me, although who knows. Maybe I should give it a try. My other half said he thinks it seems sexy.

  • C. Margery Kempe
    November 20, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Just…no.

    • Madeline Iva
      November 20, 2013 at 11:32 am

      Ah, CMK, I laughed when I read your comment.

  • Kelly Janicello
    November 20, 2013 at 11:23 am

    OMG your post just brought a smile to my face. Well done. “Your newly adorned crotch as sparkly as a firecracker” awesome!

  • Kat Attalla
    November 20, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Ah… no thanks. I’ll stick to standing under mistletoe to get my Christmas thrills. But it did make me smile.

  • LizEverly
    November 20, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    “All I can think is ouch!” Yep! Fun post.

  • Author Charmaine Gordon
    November 20, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    Elizabeth, you naughty girl, I can think of better ways to deck my privates. Chocolate sauce, whipped creme, munchable sweets for a tasty treat. The good old days remain the best without choking on crystals. You are one funny lady. Who’d a thunk it, girlfriend?

    • Liz
      November 20, 2013 at 4:21 pm

      Funny post! You *raise* very good questions.

    • Elizabeth Shore
      November 20, 2013 at 9:39 pm

      Chocolate sauce and whipped cream? Who’s the naughty one now, Charmaine? 😉

  • Wendy S. Marcus
    November 20, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    Very entertaining post!!! But, uh, I don’t see any vajazzling in my future.

    • Madeline Iva
      November 20, 2013 at 7:04 pm

      I’m shocked, Wendy, shocked.

      • Wendy S. Marcus
        November 21, 2013 at 10:00 am

        Sorry to disappoint! My nether region is a limited access zone.

    • Elizabeth Shore
      November 20, 2013 at 9:32 pm

      Well, maybe just a vajacial, then? 🙂

  • Wendy S. Marcus
    November 21, 2013 at 10:02 am

    I tweeted the link to this post and one of my friends had actually heard of vajazzling. She said it was developed in her hometown!!!!

    • Elizabeth Shore
      November 21, 2013 at 10:36 am

      Wow, your friend is plugged in! I never heard of it until Madeline mentioned it to me. Crazy!

      Many thanks for the shout out!! You’re the best.

      • Madeline Iva
        November 21, 2013 at 12:35 pm

        I heard all about it at a party in D.C. DC! Who would’ve thought those pork barrel dollars were used for something so secretly kinky?

    • Madeline Iva
      November 21, 2013 at 12:35 pm

      Her hometown of….??????

  • Jackie Dickson
    November 21, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    I’ve heard of dying your pubes and trimming it into shapes (hearts, diamonds, etc). I even love the name of the pube dye products. It’s called Betty dye, and you can get it with fun colors like red and turquoise or even natural hair colors. But, I’ve never heard of bedazzling your business. I don’t think it’s for me.

    • Madeline Iva
      November 21, 2013 at 12:34 pm

      FASCINATING! My question Jackie is this — does one give a little warning that the carpet doesn’t match the drapes, OR do you go for the surprise fun factor and wait to see the reaction to shocking pink pubes?

      My second question is this: (please please please answer if you know) WHAT has been the actual response to a dyed pubes situation? Either involving you or friends or whoever–I’m dying to find out.

      • Elizabeth Shore
        November 22, 2013 at 9:49 am

        Do you dye your pubes to match your shoes and handbag? 😉

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