Room Service, I’d Like To Order Some Hot Sex, Please


How do you spell stress relief? T-u-r-n d-o-w-n service.

How do you spell stress relief? T-u-r-n d-o-w-n service.

By Madeline Iva

It’s luxury week here at Lady Smut!  Yes, you’re going to be slaving over a hot stove next week.  You’re going to be the bitch-general of the family making holiday happen, but not here, not on our watch.  We at Lady Smut are  here to whisk you away to soothing thoughts of finer things…

Like the awesome-ness of great hotel room sex.   I don’t know about you, but there is nothing like a hotel room all tidy and clean to make me want to bounce on the bed, ruck up the sheets, and start pounding away on my lover boy cowgirl style.

There’s so much to love about hotels–That giant bathroom that goes on for days…with vast amounts of counter space.  The lack of clutter.  The room with, let’s face it, one clear focus: the bed.

I’ve been in king size beds in hotel rooms where I could do five or so revolutions from side to side.  While snuggling can get lost in such vast expanses, I don’t know…so much bed just inspires me to have so much more sex.  Is that so wrong?

B&B’s are great as well because they usually have those high antique sleigh beds which are just right for bending over.  (!)

Luxury broom

You’ll have to pry me out of this bathtub with my shriveled prune-like hands.

Luxury hotels are fabulous when they have unlimited hot water for doing it in the shower — also they often have sturdy handgrips or strong shower curtain rods for liability reasons.  Give me that and no one to interrupt us, and I’ll show you some happy campers a few hours later who are squeaky clean to boot!

Which is not to denigrate yer typical Motel 6 tryst.  Seedy hotels are perfect for snug little hide-a-way afternoons. After your dirty hot sex motel fun, you can snuggle in under the sheets with fast food eats and bad TV.

Here are some true confessions about why hotels are awesome:

My friend was in London all by her lonesome at a posh hotels where they had actual bell boys.   The room was going on daddy’s tab, and the bell boy was pretty hot, so the flirty-flirts were coming out of her involuntarily, if you catch my drift.  Later that evening, when she ordered room service, the bell boy stopped by with her meal just to see if she needed anything else.  And by anything, he meant himself.  True story.

Meanwhile, I remember my first experience in a luxury hotel.  I came back in the afternoon after some meetings, took a shower and then went right out again.  (This was NYC after all, there was a lot to do.) When I got back that night–hick that I am–at first I thought someone had broken into my room.  Then I realized–the radio was on and playing soft jazz.  The wet towels I’d left on the floor were replaced by clean towels on the shelf.  There were mints on my pillow and the bed had been turned down…

Yes, I was experiencing for the first time the infamous turn down service.  It was like all my pores opened up and the stress just melted out of me.

Seedy can be funny.

Seedy can be funny.

But I’ve had plenty of good times in cheeze-ball hotel rooms.  One time we were at a hotel in Delaware? New Jersey? I can’t remember.  Anyway, we got a room at this two story motel, and didn’t mind having loud raucous sex before we got ready to go off to the wedding ceremony somewhere else later that evening.

It was only when we were stepping out of our room that we saw all our old college friends were staying at the same motel.  Coming out of their rooms no one was really looking us in the eye.  Yup, they probably heard us…That evening was one of determined amnesia on all sides.  They pretended they hadn’t heard us going at it for two hours or so, and we pretended we hadn’t sounded like the monkey section of the zoo before crawling out of bed and getting into our fancy duds.

Once when I was in a foreign country, I loved spending a Saturday morning in a dark motel room where they wouldn’t turn up the a/c because the owner was cheap, and the TV only got two channels.  It didn’t matter: after some great morning sex, my guy put his arm around me and translated the Saturday morning foreign cartoons into English for me, complete with funny squeaky voices.

Meanwhile, I’ve never encountered the hot bell boy syndrome before, but when I go to this romance conference in New Jersey, I’ve always gotten the most fabulous hotel rooms there.  The last time I was there the room contained a chaise lounge (!) and this awesome large square mirror hung right near the bed.  These touches were very inspiring, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  I fondly remember a hotel in Montreal with a giant mirror and that first time having sex looking at him looking at me looking at him. Heady stuff.

Alas, I was all alone in New Jersey at this event.  When later that night Elizabeth Shore and a friend came to visit, they were completely envious of my room and bitched about the tiny box they were staying in.  On leaving Elizabeth took one glance at the mirror and  something about what a perfect mirror for having hot hotel sex.

This is why we’re such good friends, Elizabeth and I! Brilliant dirty minds think exactly alike ;>

So take a bath tonight, soak up the bath salts and relaxation, and give yourself some deserved down time.  Imagine you’re in a hotel room and there’s a guy there too.  Here’s a little story by Elizabeth to set the mood and inspire you…enjoy!

In addition Liz Everly’s book CRAVINGS is out today–talk about some GREAT hotel scenes. Buy it today!

Cravings (eBook)

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13 Comments

  • Kemberlee
    November 21, 2013 at 4:54 am

    I need a holiday like yours!

  • Elizabeth Shore
    November 21, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    So funny! I remember that giant awesome room you had, AND the mirror. Too bad you had no opportunity to use it for better purposes than making sure your clothes weren’t wrinkled.

    Ooooooh, the bellboy story! How deliciously decadent. Maybe we should write an LS anthology: confessions from the hotel staff. Oh, where my mind could go! 🙂

  • Madeline Iva
    November 21, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Yes, I could totally see it. There are all these aspects of “service” in the hotel world. So many people being very helpful.

    And it’s either because I recognize that and feel the love with hotel staff or because I tip like a fiend and they all tell each other–but I always seem to get the best, best service at hotels.

  • Author Charmaine Gordon
    November 21, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    Determined amnesia. . .love that line. Hotels always bring out the best love making- it’s a no-tell motel or someplace nifty and once at Sturbridge Village with our two youngest asleep in the next bed, my first love and I had the absolute BEST sex ever. And that was after many years of marriage.Thanks for a fun post.

  • Alexa Day
    November 21, 2013 at 11:23 pm

    I’ve been writing an unusual amount of hotel sex lately, too — enough that I’m having to consider adjusting some of it!

    At one point in my past, I was a hotel bartender. That was a good time, filled with lovely stories. 🙂

  • Logan GLT
    November 24, 2013 at 10:34 am

    I get to enjoy some beautiful resorts for work each year, with lovely bathrooms and sweet king size beds. I’m hoping my sweetheart will be able to come along more often in the years ahead, so we can order up some hot steam hotel room sex too. 🙂

    • Madeline Iva
      November 24, 2013 at 11:45 am

      Sounds like a great job, Logan —

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