Aphrodisiacs That Fail to Arouse

by Kiersten Hallie Krum

In celebration of Liz Everly’s new release Cravingswe’re talking about cravings all week here at LadySmut. I decided to take a look at food aphrodisiacs and thus went searching for ideas, but then the same ten or fifteen items showed up in list after list and few of them anything I’d actually eat (red wine, chocolate, and whipped cream are staples, right?).

cherry on top
With a cherry on top

Arugula? There is nothing sexy about arugula. OK, fine, it has antioxidants that protect libido against environmental toxins. Doesn’t that sound sexy? Figs and avocado represent fertility visually while maintaining youthful vigor and more antioxidant prevention. Wow. All this talk of toxin prevention is really turning me on. 

Bananas sure do look the part while keeping the male libido on the rise and strawberries plump up the volume by keeping the blood flowing to all the right puffing parts. But asparagus? It may boost histamine which is necessary to produce orgasm, but outside of looking like a skinny wang with spikes, asparagus will make you smell funky and turn your pee a weird green. Way to entice your partner for sexy times. Almonds and pine nuts are also recommended to enhance libido…if you’re a squirrel.

And I’m sorry, but I’m not about to nosh on a chili pepper and then play tonsil hockey with an actual fire still brewing in my mouth. I want to kiss the guy, not burn his tongue off. Don’t even get me started about oysters. I don’t care how many sex hormones oysters stimulate with amino acids, that shit is slimy and gross and about as far from a turn-on as you can get.

Pomegranates, cherries, pumpkin seeds. Basically my search for decent food aphrodisiacs wound up being a total turn off. I’m not saying certain foods and scents and tastes can’t be arousing. Just this summer, I had an orgasmic experience at a wedding while eating what may be the best filet mignon I’ve had in my life.  But over and over, recommended romantic foods or aphrodisiacs seem most valued for their abilities to increase blood flow and enhance sexual hormone production, which is great, but…not exactly something you might crave.

It’s not that we crave aphrodisiacs or any type of sex-associated food. It’s what those foods reportedly bring to the main event that make us do the whacky. Craving is a need, something that compels you beyond reason. A desire felt so keenly that you will beg and plead for the object you desire. I have never in my life pleaded for asparagus, but I may have come close when I longed for another piece of that delicious meat.

Craving something can make your insides turn out with desire, with need.  Here at LadySmut, we write and talk about cravings all the time. Our characters may crave sex, sure, but usually that’s merely the route to satisfy a deeper need, a more acute craving. For connection. For touch. For intimacy. For acceptance. For love.

Everyone craves love, even if the route taken to find it first goes through the kitchen.

Follow Lady Smut. We’re always ready to make you crave more.

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  • Post authorMadeline Iva

    Great insight — would I beg for more of these aphrodisiacs?

    I’ll confess — with the exception of oysters — I really do like all these foods. Even the much maligned asparagus. I’m a fiend for cherries.

    But would I beg for more? Maybe avocado if it was smeared all over some incredibly hot guy who was salty from a hard — um— workout. ;>

    Meanwhile, food is fun to write into romance, I find. Long live cravings!!!!

    Greak post, K!

    Reply to Madeline Iva
  • Post authorElizabeth Shore

    Like Madeline, I actually like all of the foods. I can even take oysters. Mind you they’re not the first thing on the menu I’m going to order. I find that if a raw oyster isn’t doused with horseradish and tabasco it’s really pretty blah. You’re filet mignon, however . . . Mmmmm.

    Honestly, the whole food-as-aphrodisiac thing doesn’t actually work for me, meaning I don’t find myself thinking how great a little toss in the hay would be after I’ve downed some cherries or chocolate. The experience of sharing a great meal with a partner, having amazing conversation, getting to know someone on a really intimate level . . . now that’s the aphrodisiac part of food that I crave.

    Reply to Elizabeth Shore
  • Post authorLizEverly

    Love this post and the comment. ladies. My first book (Saffron Nights) delved into aphrodisiacs and in my research I found some fascinating things that I still think about. There is this mushroom in Hawaii that has reported amazing qualities. I don’t know how you’d get a hold of it, though. Here’s a bit about it: The mushrooms grow only in the kipuka ecosystems of the Big Island. Kipukas are areas that have older vegetation than the surrounding areas. It’s what happens when lava flows cover the surrounding areas, missing the kipuka and sparing its vegetation. So there is a huge difference in the species and their size between the outside and inside of a kipuka. The lifetime of the fungus is often only three to four hours, and its flesh is very pungent—so pungent, in fact, that it attracts species other than insects. They say that women living on the Big Island gather to seek out this fungus because its odor is arousing when sniffed.
    In a controlled clinical trial involving sixteen women, six had orgasms while smelling the fruiting body of the fungus. The results suggest that the hormone-like compounds present in the volatile portion of the spore mass may have some similarity to human neurotransmitters released in females during sexual encounters.
    Now, that’s a helluva mushroom! LOL!

    Reply to LizEverly
  • Post authordellanioakes

    Wonderful article! I share your revulsion of oysters. Though I love asparagus, I agree with your summation. I guess I’ll just enjoy my chocolate covered strawberries – mostly because I simply like them not because they’re “sexy”. The rest of it, I think I’ll give a pass.

    Reply to dellanioakes
    • Post authorMadeline Iva

      Dellan, I am glad to meet another asparagus lover. That mushroom, Liz, sounds completely cray-cray.

      Reply to Madeline Iva
  • Post authorAlexa Day

    I *love* oysters! Ritual, condiment, mouth feel — repeat! The asparagus, though … I mean, it’s good, but I don’t know how sexy that is.

    Mango is one of my go-to aphrodisiacs. It’s so tasty, and it leaves a little flush on the face. 🙂 But now it sounds like I need to do a little mushroom hunting.

    Reply to Alexa Day
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