Aphrodisiacs That Fail to Arouse
by Kiersten Hallie Krum
In celebration of Liz Everly’s new release Cravings, we’re talking about cravings all week here at LadySmut. I decided to take a look at food aphrodisiacs and thus went searching for ideas, but then the same ten or fifteen items showed up in list after list and few of them anything I’d actually eat (red wine, chocolate, and whipped cream are staples, right?).
Arugula? There is nothing sexy about arugula. OK, fine, it has antioxidants that protect libido against environmental toxins. Doesn’t that sound sexy? Figs and avocado represent fertility visually while maintaining youthful vigor and more antioxidant prevention. Wow. All this talk of toxin prevention is really turning me on.
Bananas sure do look the part while keeping the male libido on the rise and strawberries plump up the volume by keeping the blood flowing to all the right puffing parts. But asparagus? It may boost histamine which is necessary to produce orgasm, but outside of looking like a skinny wang with spikes, asparagus will make you smell funky and turn your pee a weird green. Way to entice your partner for sexy times. Almonds and pine nuts are also recommended to enhance libido…if you’re a squirrel.
And I’m sorry, but I’m not about to nosh on a chili pepper and then play tonsil hockey with an actual fire still brewing in my mouth. I want to kiss the guy, not burn his tongue off. Don’t even get me started about oysters. I don’t care how many sex hormones oysters stimulate with amino acids, that shit is slimy and gross and about as far from a turn-on as you can get.
Pomegranates, cherries, pumpkin seeds. Basically my search for decent food aphrodisiacs wound up being a total turn off. I’m not saying certain foods and scents and tastes can’t be arousing. Just this summer, I had an orgasmic experience at a wedding while eating what may be the best filet mignon I’ve had in my life. But over and over, recommended romantic foods or aphrodisiacs seem most valued for their abilities to increase blood flow and enhance sexual hormone production, which is great, but…not exactly something you might crave.
It’s not that we crave aphrodisiacs or any type of sex-associated food. It’s what those foods reportedly bring to the main event that make us do the whacky. Craving is a need, something that compels you beyond reason. A desire felt so keenly that you will beg and plead for the object you desire. I have never in my life pleaded for asparagus, but I may have come close when I longed for another piece of that delicious meat.
Craving something can make your insides turn out with desire, with need. Here at LadySmut, we write and talk about cravings all the time. Our characters may crave sex, sure, but usually that’s merely the route to satisfy a deeper need, a more acute craving. For connection. For touch. For intimacy. For acceptance. For love.
Everyone craves love, even if the route taken to find it first goes through the kitchen.
Follow Lady Smut. We’re always ready to make you crave more.