January 16, 2014

Lady Smut’s Top 10 Sexiest Guys N Gals in 2013


by Madeline Iva

You hear a lot of snark about sexism in our universe, and it’s true–there are definitely some big ole nasty problems out there in our world when it comes to sexism, etc.  Yet in a profoundly flawed universe I’d like to take a second to canvas the sexiness of our world in a limited way, and give props to Maxim for picking out a rather diverse group of women for their Sexiest Women and Hottest Celebrities of 2013. 

Out of all the Hollywood Starlets – the talent-less line up of Pussycat Dolls and other starving, plasticized bimbettes –Maxim has included some ethnicity, some varied body shapes, and enough quirky brainy women to prove that clearly guys are getting more interested in what’s going on inside a woman, rather than just picking out a standard bra cup size.

I think they deserve a little spoonful of sugar.  A little encouragement for the new year.  What follows is a messy, opinionated, idiosyncratic, annotated list.  These are the top picks that made me want to give at the very least a small thumb’s up of approval for Maxim. Enjoy!

#1 Scarlet Johanssen – I think most men would think she’s the most sexy.  One guy I know said: the reason why no guy wants to go see Don Jon is because of the ridiculous premise: that any guy would rather watch porn than shag Scarlet.

I put her at the top of my list because I’m also so thrilled she dropped Ryan Reynolds (Who? He seems to have dropped off the map without her.  Thank goodness.)  Why isn’t she #1 on Maxim’s list? She was #15.  I don’t get it.  I think their voting–which is alphabetical by first name–works against her.  Most of the women in the top ten had names that came before the middle of the alphabet.

Kat#2 Kat Denning. I’m fascinated by her.  First of all, you can’t help but notice that her boobs are, like, crazy amazing. She looks like a super-hero to me.  She’s the Clark Kent of Hollywood, hiding in plain site. And she’s a great actress–any time she’s on screen, I’m interested—and not just because of her super-hero/super-power boobs.

#3 Zooey Deschanal: I’m excited she made the list.  Because quirky + earnest + square = sexy, dammit.  Also she gets my vote because her mom was on Twin Peaks.

#4 Aubrey Plaza: She’s on my list for proving sullen is fun.

#5 Janina Gavankar – You know her from TRUE BLOOD.  I know her as the former high school geek/secret crush turned into trophy goddess/urologist on The LEAGUE.  Yes to plot lines where a secret crush grows up to be sexy women doctor expert on a guy’s vulnerable junk.  In some way I think this says something good about men who came up with this character.  Not sure exactly what—just a gut feeling.

A guy's fantasy version of Mindy Kaling
A guy’s fantasy version of Mindy Kaling

#6 Jessica Chastain –Okay, I don’t think she’s sexy at all, though I do think she’s beautiful.  But props for having someone on the list who played a determined CIA woman in charge – I mean, it’s not like Maxim’s readers voted Hilary Clinton into the top 50 or anything, but in a way, it’s like Maxim says yes to powerful women!

#7 Yes to Amanda Seyfried – again, she looks so odd in a way. She’s not the typical blonde, but I still love her for the wild pony role she played way back in Veronica Mars.

#8 Props to Maxim for including some older women,  (Cameron Diaz) as well as including some not so obvious choices like Lea Michelle—the Barbara Streisand of our time–and Emma Watson (another not so obvious a choice) – who again, is another actress who has an intelligence that outshines the appeal of her gamin cuteness.

She's a wild pony.  I get the feeling that half her roles aren't as strange as she'd like them to be.
She’s a wild pony. I get the feeling that half her roles aren’t as strange as she’d like them to be.

#9 Here’s to a variety of body types represented.  From the flat-chested, to very curvy (Kat Denning), from very young (Salina Gomez) to over forty (Clooney’s ex Stacey Kiebler), from tall to short (Haden Panettiere), muscular and could kick your ass (Gina Carano) to brainy they seem to be trying to find and represent a nice wide spectrum of beauty, charisma, and appeal.  I like it.

But Maxim, being Maxim, will always leave a bad taste in the mouth.  The big sad ending of their list is that they picked Miley Cyrus as #1 for 2013.  Boo!  

Now for the Men:  I mean, I guess I was a little more picky here.  This list is drawn from Glamour’s The Top 100 Sexiest-Hottest Men of 2013.  

Thumb’s down: I would say—unlike Maxim’s picks – the choices presented in Glamour were close to 50 percent pre-pubescent.  Or that’s how it felt anyway…baby men under 21 just don’t do it for me, I guess.

Thumb’s up: Yet I was pleased to see that there were some men included who were obviously gay – so glad we can recognize this and we’re all okay with it.  Maybe Hollywood’s closet door isn’t shut so tightly anymore.

Tom Mison. Yup.
Tom Mison. Yup.

#10 and of course there were some great, obvious choices.  I mean, George Clooney, Hugh Jackman, Chris Hemsworth, Orlando Bloom, Robert Pattison, yeah yeah yeah. But where’s Tom Mison????

Despite missing Tom, here were the interesting men Glamour picked that I say yes to:

 #9 Damian Lewis – I’m not especially attracted to his looks but his chemistry with Claire Danes in Homeland was smoking.  This is a guy who could act his way into your pants.

#8 Aaron Taylor Johnson – not sure how much of what I love about him is him—his looks and performance in the Kick Ass movies, and how much of his appeal is the way he fell for an older woman, married her, and (in Hollywood terms) now they’ve been together for forever.

#7 Martin Freeman! Bromancey is so sexy on Martin.  When he’s ready to tumble off the edge in Sherlock —either into being ‘deadly’ or into being Cumber-bitch’s outright boyfriend is when he makes me purr.

#6 Tom Hardy – think I’ve done a post on Tom.  I can’t find it, though.  🙁  Anyway, his voice, his lips — he’s pretty freakin’ appealing.

Pharrell is drinking blood to look this young--he's actually 40.
Pharrell is drinking blood to look this young–he’s actually 40.

#5 James Franco.  He first won me over in Tristan and Isolde. The movies he’s in have been uneven, I grant you that.  But you have to give him credit for slicing open his leading man body so that his inner crazy character actor could crawl out.  If you’ve seen Spring Breakers, you’ve seen that James Franco is not afraid of anything.

#4 Pharrell WilliamsOw.  He’s so cute/hot/soft spoken.  Damn, just can’t get enough of him.  Give me a spoon please.

#3 Alexander Skarsgard – He’s a Svensk hunk of manflesh who always seems a little tortured.  I can’t resist.

#2 Channing Tatum.  I got on the Channing ride when he did 21 Jump Street.  A pretty boy, but I can’t hold it against him when he obviously has a great sense of humor and is very willing to laugh at himself.  That kind of thing just destroys me.

British & smoking hot.
British & smoking hot.

#1 Idris Elba made it to #8.  The George Clooney of England. He should be #1.  Obviously.  Do you agree? Or do you agree?

Let me know in the comments below — I welcome all challenges to either list.  Want to hang out with us Lady Smut folk more often? Use the follow button to your right.  

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  • Post authorKemberlee

    They totally missed Anson Mount, Shemar Moore, and Clive Owen. Booooo, Maxim!

    Reply to Kemberlee
  • Post authorElizabeth Shore

    I’m with you on Idris Elba. Absolutely delicious. But WTF – no Henry Cavill??! As far as I’m concerned, that’s a seriously flawed list with his exclusion. And I know you did a post on him – ’cause it’s here. 🙂 You dopes, Maxim. Henry’s a super man! 🙂

    Reply to Elizabeth Shore
    • Post authorMadeline Iva

      I gotta check out Superman movie — that’s on my list to do TODAY. Will report back.

      Reply to Madeline Iva
  • Post authorJay Andrew

    What, no Tom Hiddleston? For shame! Also Ben Whishaw, Tahmoh Penikett and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau for me. On the money with Kat Dennings – I’d add Katee Sackhoff, Lena Headey and Keira Knightley 🙂

    Reply to Jay Andrew
    • Post authorMadeline Iva

      You’re so right! Lena Headey — and yes to Nokolaj, and Ben Whishaw. With Ben, I was being insecure, cause I thought of him, but didn’t think anyone else would agree. Thank you for supporting my initial instinct.

      Reply to Madeline Iva
  • Post authorElizabeth Shore

    Oh yeah, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. Nooooo problems there. And, fun fact, his wife is from Greenland. Who knew!

    Reply to Elizabeth Shore

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