Next Stop on the Career Path: Part-Time Superheroine
By Alexa Day
Those of you who aspire to the writing life, take note. You’ll be told you need many things, but the most important, by a country mile, is a group of non-writer friends who will cheer you up when your dream job is trying to kill you. The other day, my crew was trying to lift my spirits by reminding me that I have a secret identity, a separate life shrouded in shadows, but in a cool way, like a superhero.
I don’t think I’m doing it right, though. See, if I were really committed to doing the secret identity/superhero thing right, I’d still need quite a few things. For our limited purposes, let’s focus on the three most important.
A sexy yet practical costume. I honestly think that if superheroes could fight crime in sweat pants, they would do it. At the very least, they’d choose yoga pants. Unfortunately, society demands more from its superhero costumes. I understand why – no one wants to be identified as “some chick wearing yoga pants and a Princeton sweatshirt with some Dansko clogs” when people could be saying, “She was a redhead with this really hot indigo catsuit with thigh-high boots.” (Trust me. The indigo and red will work together. It’s not business casual; it’s superhero professional attire. It’s meant to be seen.) Of the available options for superheroines, which seem to be catsuit, bustier and panties, and minidress, I think catsuit is the most comfortable. It offers the full range of motion (because you will not be jumping or reaching in a bustier, friends). As a former varsity field hockey player, I can vouch for the freedom of movement a miniskirt permits – tough to find a more comfortable way to run! On the other hand, I imagine I’m going to have to fight crime in inclement weather, and while I relish the chance to bare my legs, the catsuit will keep them warmer.
Spectacular transportation. Being a superhero is not about getting from Point A to Point B. It’s about escape. Pursuit. Inspiring awe and envy in nemeses. Driving through brick walls. My regular reliable vehicle, much as I love it, is not going to get the job done. Not on any front. Besides, my regular transportation has an identifiable license plate. Supervillains are going to have that traced right to my home. But what to drive? I don’t have the resources necessary to accommodate aircraft, sadly, so I think I’d have to choose between motorcycle and souped-up automobile. Right now I’m leaning toward the motorcycle. It’s smaller and louder, and I can probably get up to mind-bending speeds in seconds. Most importantly, there’s room for recently rescued dudes on the back of the bike. It’s always wise to get to know citizens personally, right?
A super-secret dedicated workspace. I’m torn between something like the Batcave and something like the Fortress of Solitude. The Fortress of Solitude gets better light, and it is really secluded. I mean, you *know* there’s probably no cable and no cell signal at the Fortress of Solitude. I’d probably get lots and lots of writing done while I was waiting for some erotica-related emergency to arise. But with the Batcave, I’d get proximity to a major metropolitan area (and the grocery store), I’d also get staff, so that when I need groceries, or dinner, or someone to tell me to stop watching TV and get to writing, someone will step in and handle the business so I don’t have to. I don’t see trusted staff members commuting to the Fortress of Solitude. Advantage: Batcave.
So what does a day in the life of an erotica-writing superheroine look like? Hard to say. Racing around town on the Eroticycle. Running in slow motion. Yanking copies of certain best-selling Twilight knockoffs out of people’s hands and giving them S&M 101 by Jay Wiseman instead. Auditioning hot shirtless sidekicks on the casting couch in my super-secret dedicated workspace.
Hmm. This is already looking like a viable career change. I’d better get to work on the sexy but practical costume and some calling cards with my superheroine logo on them. Unless there’s some other super-essential item I’m missing – what do you think?
And be sure to follow Lady Smut. ‘Nuff said.