January 26, 2014

Next Stop on the Career Path: Part-Time Superheroine

By Alexa Day

Those of you who aspire to the writing life, take note. You’ll be told you need many things, but the most important, by a country mile, is a group of non-writer friends who will cheer you up when your dream job is trying to kill you. The other day, my crew was trying to lift my spirits by reminding me that I have a secret identity, a separate life shrouded in shadows, but in a cool way, like a superhero.

I don’t think I’m doing it right, though. See, if I were really committed to doing the secret identity/superhero thing right, I’d still need quite a few things. For our limited purposes, let’s focus on the three most important.

Oh, the cape -- mustn't forget the cape! Image by Vegas Bleeds Neon.
Oh, the cape — mustn’t forget the cape! Image by Vegas Bleeds Neon.

A sexy yet practical costume. I honestly think that if superheroes could fight crime in sweat pants, they would do it. At the very least, they’d choose yoga pants. Unfortunately, society demands more from its superhero costumes. I understand why – no one wants to be identified as “some chick wearing yoga pants and a Princeton sweatshirt with some Dansko clogs” when people could be saying, “She was a redhead with this really hot indigo catsuit with thigh-high boots.” (Trust me. The indigo and red will work together. It’s not business casual; it’s superhero professional attire. It’s meant to be seen.) Of the available options for superheroines, which seem to be catsuit, bustier and panties, and minidress, I think catsuit is the most comfortable. It offers the full range of motion (because you will not be jumping or reaching in a bustier, friends). As a former varsity field hockey player, I can vouch for the freedom of movement a miniskirt permits – tough to find a more comfortable way to run! On the other hand, I imagine I’m going to have to fight crime in inclement weather, and while I relish the chance to bare my legs, the catsuit will keep them warmer.

Spectacular transportation. Being a superhero is not about getting from Point A to Point B. It’s about escape. Pursuit. Inspiring awe and envy in nemeses. Driving through brick walls. My regular reliable vehicle, much as I love it, is not going to get the job done. Not on any front. Besides, my regular transportation has an identifiable license plate. Supervillains are going to have that traced right to my home. But what to drive? I don’t have the resources necessary to accommodate aircraft, sadly, so I think I’d have to choose between motorcycle and souped-up automobile. Right now I’m leaning toward the motorcycle. It’s smaller and louder, and I can probably get up to mind-bending speeds in seconds. Most importantly, there’s room for recently rescued dudes on the back of the bike. It’s always wise to get to know citizens personally, right?

Yes, I can read and fight crime at the same time, thanks for checking. Image by Thibault fr
Yes, I can read and fight crime at the same time, thanks for checking. Image by Thibault fr

A super-secret dedicated workspace. I’m torn between something like the Batcave and something like the Fortress of Solitude. The Fortress of Solitude gets better light, and it is really secluded. I mean, you *know* there’s probably no cable and no cell signal at the Fortress of Solitude. I’d probably get lots and lots of writing done while I was waiting for some erotica-related emergency to arise. But with the Batcave, I’d get proximity to a major metropolitan area (and the grocery store), I’d also get staff, so that when I need groceries, or dinner, or someone to tell me to stop watching TV and get to writing, someone will step in and handle the business so I don’t have to. I don’t see trusted staff members commuting to the Fortress of Solitude. Advantage: Batcave.

So what does a day in the life of an erotica-writing superheroine look like? Hard to say. Racing around town on the Eroticycle. Running in slow motion. Yanking copies of certain best-selling Twilight knockoffs out of people’s hands and giving them S&M 101 by Jay Wiseman instead. Auditioning hot shirtless sidekicks on the casting couch in my super-secret dedicated workspace.

Hmm. This is already looking like a viable career change. I’d better get to work on the sexy but practical costume and some calling cards with my superheroine logo on them. Unless there’s some other super-essential item I’m missing – what do you think?

And be sure to follow Lady Smut. ‘Nuff said.

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  • Post authorC. Margery Kempe

    Don’t forget to identify your Kryptonite factor! Knowing how to fight that momentary weakness is very useful.

    Reply to C. Margery Kempe
    • Post authorAlexa Day

      OMG, I can’t believe I forgot all about this. And it is important! Better to figure it out now than to have evildoers get to it ahead of me.

      I’ll have to kick back in the super-secret dedicated workspace for a while to sort this out. 🙂

      Reply to Alexa Day
  • Post authorMadeline Iva

    Sign me up! I love this super-hero stuff. The question of going for lots of light vs. your own personal Alfred is a very complex one. Hmmm.

    Reply to Madeline Iva
    • Post authorAlexa Day

      It is a tough call. For me, it comes down to laziness. Both those places are going to be awfully hard to clean, but I’ve got Alfred to clean one of them. Besides, it’d be nice to have a nonjudgmental confidant who understands all my superheroine problems and keeps my cape looking sharp. I would miss all that light, though.

      Yeah, this is hard. I might need a super real estate agent to help me out here.

      Reply to Alexa Day
  • Post authorBarbara Mikula

    Good plan! Get right on that. – LOL – Skye Michaels

    Reply to Barbara Mikula
    • Post authorAlexa Day

      Lol. I’m going to start looking for graduate/certification programs for this tomorrow morning. Hopefully, they can start me on a work-study thing; I can’t face another student loan.

      I’ll keep you posted, though. 😉

      Reply to Alexa Day
  • Post authorElizabeth Shore

    Any chance to wear a catsuit and I’m in! It can be stretchy, right? I’m thinking Spandex catsuit. And a fortress . . . nice! I think you’re on to something with this super heroine idea, Alexa!

    Reply to Elizabeth Shore
    • Post authorAlexa Day

      Yeah, I’m going to need the suit to be stretchy. Very stretchy. 🙂

      There’s a lot to be said for the fortress, I think! I bet the heating bill is going to have two commas in it, but let’s don’t think about that just now.

      Reply to Alexa Day
  • Post authorMadeline Iva

    Elizabeth Shore, I could so totally see you in a cat suit.

    Reply to Madeline Iva
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