An Open Letter from Alexa Day on Buying Your Honey a Valentine’s Sex Toy

9 Feb

Gentlemen:

It’s come to my attention that some of you have not yet purchased a Valentine’s Day gift for your ladies. I think most of you are making plans instead of exchanging gifts. I know that some of you think you don’t have to do anything. Last year, I wrote an open letter about why it’s not a good idea to skip the holiday altogether; you might want to have a look at that.

If you’re one of our frequent male visitors, though, my guess is that you’re having a slightly different problem. You might be looking for that perfect gift. Something you’re not seeing on television all the time. Something your girl hasn’t already seen over and over again from other dudes.

You know what you could get her? You could get her a sex toy.

But how to choose? It’s tough enough to find a sex toy for one’s own use, isn’t it?

I just want to give you some things to think about before you rush out.

Your primary consideration when you go to purchase the toy should be whether it will make your girl dissolve into mindless waves of pleasure. If she’s toy-shy, as a shocking number of women are, an expertly wielded feather toy might do the job. A gorgeous blindfold also makes an excellent beginner sex toy. If you know your lady has more than a passing acquaintance with technology, your job picks up some subtle nuances.

Light as a feather ... stiff as a board. Heh heh heh. (Image by Hariadhi)

Light as a feather … stiff as a board. Heh heh heh. (Image by Hariadhi)

This is not the time to use your tool as a yardstick to determine what size toy to purchase. Your dick shouldn’t really enter into the equation unless it’s going to enter the toy. So don’t get that insertable toy that’s bigger than you are because you’re thinking that if she’s into you, she’ll really be into something bigger than you. I hate to break it to you guys, but if we’re in a serious relationship with you, your dick size is more of a fringe benefit to us. When we’re in bed with you, we’re with you. That’s not to say size doesn’t matter, of course. I’m just saying that as we grow closer together, it’s not the deal-breaker so many of you seem to think it is.

Having said that, I know that some guys (not you, of course; I mean other guys), delirious with fear that their girlfriends would prefer the toy to them, would buy something significantly smaller than they are. That sort of strategy isn’t all that subtle, friend. We sense insecurity. We know when it’s guiding your decisions. We really don’t like it when that means we’re getting the shaft – or more importantly, not getting it – in bed. So unless you want to explain to a doctor how that dildo got all the way up your nose, you probably don’t want to shortchange us. Like I said, we’re not fixated on the size of your dick once we’re serious about you, and we don’t care much for the implication that your length and girth are all we care about.

BDSM toys

My advice to you, gentlemen, is to duck the insertable toy altogether. Consider something intended for couples, like the vibrating cock ring. Have a look at the very friendly toys in our Lady Smut reviews. If you just can’t say no to the insertable, why take chances? Get something that’s about the size of a toy she has and enjoys now. The well chosen toy will be your ally in bed. It’s intended to work with you, not for you and certainly not instead of you.

You do need to get a move on, though. Crunch time ended on Friday. This is now the last minute.

So take a second to think of what pleases your woman most. Think about what sort of toy will get her more of that. Then get out there, man. You’re burning daylight.

And make sure you get batteries. Seriously, brother, that’s just common courtesy.

Wishing you a Valentine’s Day that soars up into a thousand shuddering twinkly starbursts over and over and over again,

Alexa

p.s.: I know you’re the kind of guy who follows Lady Smut already, right? Because we’re looking out for the men, too, you know.

5 Responses to “An Open Letter from Alexa Day on Buying Your Honey a Valentine’s Sex Toy”

  1. Madeline Iva February 9, 2014 at 9:45 am #

    I actually had a friend who bought his best friend and girlfriend a butt plug. For xmas. They were just opening it when we walked into the xmas party. The best friend had brought stacks of a photography book from work on early French pornographic photography and was giving them away. (Curious, I walked off with one of these books myself.) Anyway, the best friend was grinning and the girlfriend was making noises in the dolphin hearing range that to me sounded nervous/excited.

    The memory sticks with me because–wow–that was a ballsy move. I mean, he could have passed it off as a joke gift, but the three of them knew it wasn’t, really. Now that was one edgy xmas party….The moral of this story is go big or go home.

    Excellent post, Alexa!

    Like

    • Alexa Day February 9, 2014 at 4:48 pm #

      That is ballsy! That’s what I love so much about it.

      And now I’m sure I am going to the wrong parties. I’m honestly surprised by how many women I know who do not own a single toy and are genuinely shocked by the suggestion that they purchase one.

      Like

  2. Elizabeth Shore February 9, 2014 at 10:23 pm #

    It’s funny, several of my friends view having toys as mundane as having a bag of makeup; others are shocked beyond belief. Hopefully our male population of readers will take your suggestions to heart and educate some newbies into the lovely world of toys.

    Like

    • Alexa Day February 9, 2014 at 11:23 pm #

      I definitely fall into the bag-of-makeup camp. 🙂 The shock is a mystery to me, but it’s tough to get folks to open up about it.

      It would be cool to get people playing, though, wouldn’t it?

      Like

  3. lisawhitefern February 10, 2014 at 2:31 am #

    Sorry, but I think valentines day is the worst possible day to choose for buying your girlfriend a sex toy. Get her a sex toy for her birthday, but get her something sweet for Valentines. Getting a sex toy for valentines screams “your my f*** buddy.” in my opinion. (Having been the recipient of toys as the first and only gift in a relationship.on Valentines Day more than once in my single days. :-/

    Like

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