March 19, 2014

Seeking Your Soulmate In 21 Steps

Sexy couple woman with gartersBy Elizabeth Shore

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about the “man rules,” a listing of several things men supposedly want us to know about them. These “rules” were really more of a tongue-in-cheek humorous set of bullet points than a serious treatise on the insights of guys. But recently a friend forwarded me an “insider’s” secrets of things about men every woman must know, and my-oh-my, what a find! Newsflash for you, ladies: unlike the “man rules,” mastering these tips is apparently going to lead us all toward relationship nirvana.

The twenty-one tips are assembled by the self-appointed “Queen of Hearts,” Kim Sarrasin. Kim’s a relationship coach whose aptly named website, AttractYourKing.com, lets you know all about her. Her bio states that she’s got one mission in life, which is to “heal the hearts of women worldwide and end your suffering with men. Kim joyfully dedicates her life to empowering women like you with the tools and relationship wisdom you need to easily make it work with any man.” Hmm. Well, that sounds pretty good (and pretty expensive!), but let’s see what she’s got. After all, we at Lady Smut love romance, so if there’s someone out there who can help us unravel the pesky mysteries of men and fulfill our heart’s desires, we’re all for it. With eager anticipation, I reviewed the 21 tips.

Tip #1: Men Can’t Read Your Mind. This sounds oddly familiar, as if I’ve heard it somewhere before. But I read on. “You have to give up feeling it’s more romantic if he guesses. The only result will be him remaining clueless to what you want and you never getting your needs met. Not a party I would want to attend.” Nor would I, Kim. This all makes sense, but . . . wait! I just realize why it’s familiar. It’s part of the Man Rules! To wit: the very first “rule” on the list is, “Men are not mind readers.” Well, geez. Why do I need to pay big bucks to Kim if I can get the same “wisdom” all for nothing from a web post making the rounds?

Perturbed yet undaunted, I read on to the second tip. “Men are logical and need CLEAR instructions about how to make you happy.” Again, bells of familiarity go a-clanging in my head. Taking a second look at the Man Rules, my hunch is confirmed: Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 

So far, I’m not overly impressed. The same advice in a silly post making its way across the virtual globe is being passed along by a relationship coach to entice potential users of her service to sign on as clients. Nonetheless, I don’t want to be unfairly critical so I decided to run the “Queen of Hearts” tips past some guys I trust to tell me straight what they think of them. Well, shut the front door! Turns out that the results of my very unscientific poll revealed several of the tips to be universally agreed upon by the guys I asked. Who knew!

The truth is, I’m not necessarily opposed to someone compiling information on one sex or the other that’s meant to educate. After all, such info may actually lend insight and be helpful. What I take umbrage with is the suggestion that all one needs to do is master a rather arbitrary set of “tips” to be granted your heart’s desire. To find the soulmate you’ve always wanted. The blurb at the onset of Kim Sarrasin’s tips states, “21 insider secrets and proven tips that will make him fall madly in love with you.” It’s a great marketing tool for the “Queen of Hearts,” but as real a guarantee of finding true love as that mythical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Certainly there are similarities among women just as there are among men, and it’s fun to bucket the two sex’s behavior in a humorous listing of things for the opposite sex to know. If you’d like the full listing of Kim Sarrasin’s tips, click here. But for me the best tip is this: ditch the list of “things you must know” and find your soulmate the old-fashioned way, by meeting someone you like hanging out with and who appreciates the uniqueness of who you are.

What do you think of the tips? Good advice, or a hollow promise that doesn’t ring true. Sounds off in the comments below. And don’t forget to follow us at Lady Smut. We’ll always pass along good tips.


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  • Post authorMadeline Iva

    You know, it’s not just in love/relationship advice that the whole “mind reading” thing is put down. It’s a big bad no-no in the mental health arena as well. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, they talk about ‘thought distortions’ that lead people to being unhappy.

    One thought distortion is ‘fortune telling’.

    You assume you can read the minds of others and act accordingly. “Oh she hates me, I won’t even ask for her help.” They say without trying out this thesis — asking for help, you in fact, won’t know what they’re really thinking. Most of the time, the therapy suggests you assume the answer’s ‘no’, when it’s actually ‘yes, certainly’ or ‘maybe’.

    So the advice they give in CBT is not to assume that anyone can read your mind and vice versa.

    I have to tell you — it helps, and not only in romance, but in the romance biz if you’re trying to get published. I spent way too much time telling myself that a manuscript wasn’t good enough, wasn’t ready to go out because in my mind I imaged that all the editors and agents would insist the manuscript be perfect. That’s fortune telling. When I stopped doing that and started just sending work out, it got accepted.

    Reply to Madeline Iva
    • Post authorElizabeth Shore

      We all know what happens when you assume, right? The truth is, you really don’t know what someone else is thinking and bad things can so easily happen when you assume you do. I think the men shouting about them not being able to read our minds certainly is a two-way street. We can’t read theirs, either.

      I don’t think all of Kim Sarrasin’s tips are bad – in fact, I thought a lot of them made good sense (and my male friends agreed). But I just don’t like the promises of finding true love by mastering a bunch of tips. Love is such a gigantic, complex, multi-layered bag of emotions that I object to someone suggesting you can find it by reading a list of do’s and don’t’s.

      Reply to Elizabeth Shore
  • Post authorBarbara Mikula

    Ah, if only it were that easy we would all be living our HEA – Happy Ever After – as required by all good romance novels. Instead, some of us are still searching and hopeful. Wish I had the magic bullet. LOL – Skye Michaels

    Reply to Barbara Mikula
    • Post authorElizabeth Shore

      Exactly! I’m completely with you, Barbara. On the positive, if the magic bullet were invented we romance novelists would be standing in the unemployment line, so I guess that’s something. 🙂

      Reply to Elizabeth Shore
      • Post authorBarbara Mikula

        Touche! I’m glad we are still needed to give our sisters out there a glimpse of heaven, and enjoy it ourselves! Sometimes when I am writing the really steamy stuff, I try to imagine what they will all be thinking when they read it. Is this woman crazy? Who does that? Only the very lucky, few I guess. We’re fortunate if we’ve had a taste of it sometime in our lives. – Skye Michaels :)) <3

        Reply to Barbara Mikula
      • Post authorKel

        This. I don’t like the whole ideal of soul mates… except when it’s really well written. Then I love it. I think that’s the fun of reading romance novels, though. It’s not real, there’s the freedom for the characters to act in way and be involved in situations that the reader can’t.

  • Post authorelfahearn

    Men should come with a full set of instructions, which do not necessarily have to be tattooed to their dicks.

    Reply to elfahearn
  • Post authorAuthor Charmaine Gordon

    Tattooed on dicks? Sounds colorful but painful. I say speak your mind, in a husky whisper as if in a drug induced haze, and tell him what he needs to accomplish to fill your needs. Works for me every time.

    Reply to Author Charmaine Gordon
  • Post authorKel

    I… ugh… The term “soul mate” leave me wanting to run away, to shout, to scream *very* negative things, to give up permanently on humans, to fold my arms and glare at anyone who comes close. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Or rather, every relationship is a give and take.

    Having said that, I’ve been a student of human nature for… a long time. It’s more accurate to say “People aren’t mind readers” and “Ask for what you want”… although some people are better than others at reading certain subtle cues, and it’s not necessarily split along gender lines. I personally find it annoying that I have to ask and confirm the “subtle” things that I feel are like being hit over the head with a clue-by-four… but I still do it, just to make sure I’m not reading a situation incorrectly.

    Men are just as guilty of not following their own “laws” as women are… women are just generally trained (social norm, not all women, of course) to be more forgiving of/adaptable to it.

  • Post authorC. Margery Kempe

    We live in a culture that subsists on making people neurotic so they buy more things to make them feel better or to get “the secret” to happiness. Of course what they buy doesn’t make them happy at all, so they buy more!

    We should write the Lady Smut Guide to Romance, run workshops and make big bucks.

    Reply to C. Margery Kempe

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