Ants On My Ass – The Perils Of Outdoor Sex

26 Mar
Sexy couple on rocky beach

Looks sexy – but are they really having fun?

By Elizabeth Shore

Oftentimes when people fantasize about really hot sexual scenarios, the great outdoors factors into the equation. And why not, right? It’s such a free feeling to be outside. No walls to close us in, no rules that must be followed. Walk around a tranquil forest and it can feel like you’re the only person in the world. What better place, then, to share the seclusion with the one you love than by doing the lovin’ thing? Or so the thinking goes. But then reality hits.

Picture this: there you are in a dense thicket of trees, wrapped in your lover’s arms, thrilled by the illicit moment. Clothes are recklessly shed, lips and tongues feasting away on each other, soft breezes blowing over your naked skin. It’s sooooo sexy! Except . . . wait. Ow! What just bit you? You begin growing aware of the painful stab of tree bark digging into your back. And . . . shit. Is that a spider crawling toward your leg?!  Suddenly the allure of the outdoors holds as much appeal as a tooth extraction and your formerly sexy thoughts turn dark and foul. Same scenario holds true if you’re on the beach. The sand sticks to your skin, covers your clothes, it’s even in the crack of your – ah, you know what I mean. Damn sand is everywhere. And talk about no hiding places on the beach, so be prepared to flaunt it if someone happens to come along. It’s at that moment that outdoor sex, you decide, is literally for the birds.

Of course, in C. Margery Kempe’s story “Park Larks,” one of the fun sexy stories in her Love on a Spoon collection – which we’re celebrating this week – outdoor sex is indeed the steamy treat we imagine. It’s a fictional story, after all, an escape from the harsh realities of everyday life. Female characters having hot outdoor sex in a romance novel aren’t thinking about bugs crawling up their tushes, or contracting a case of poison ivy, or – as a friend wisely pointed out – having the beady eyes of a squirrel staring down at you from the tree branch above your head. Not in the least.  Romance heroines are getting seduced by a hot guy on a white sandy beach, or by an idyllic babbling brook, or atop a plush carpet of flowers in a meadow, and they’re loving every minute of it.

I know that part of the appeal of outdoor sex for some folks is the same thing that makes others stay far far away: the possibility of getting caught. Sparks of interest light an exhibitionist’s eyes that someone might be watching him getting down and dirty. The bark and the bugs are of no concern if part of the experience’s allure is knowing that you might get caught.

The truth is, some people just like being naked outside. I remember an experience I had once that’s always stayed with me. My best girlfriend at the time and I were celebrating completion of our first year of college and decided one night to share a six pack of beer in the park. As we sat on a bench drinking our beer and talking, we noticed a dog approaching us followed closely by the owner. It was pretty dark out so we didn’t see anything unusual at first, but as the owner got near enough we realized that except for his sneakers, he was out walking his dog totally in the buff. We, having had our fill of liquid courage, asked him what the deal was with being au naturel outside and he replied that he simply loved being naked and often walked his dog at night in the buff. So there you go.

If you’re like-minded with my naked dog-walker and couldn’t care less about staring squirrels or sand in your crack, lemondrop.com offers you tips on how to have sex almost anywhere. And be sure to check out C. Margery Kempe’s Love on a Spoon for more sexy fun in the great outdoors.

Is there an exhibitionist in you? Do thoughts of beach sex get you giddy? Let us know in the comments below, and be sure to hit that little follow button to the right so you’ll always get the naked truth.

 

12 Responses to “Ants On My Ass – The Perils Of Outdoor Sex”

  1. Author Charmaine Gordon March 26, 2014 at 6:57 pm #

    It’s a fact that the sun on naked skin stirs sexual impulses. And so it is with me. More sex on the beach and patio than I can recall but always wonderful. Thanks for another delightful post, Elizabeth.

    Like

    • C. Margery Kempe March 27, 2014 at 9:44 am #

      Funny, I hate sun. It makes me want to touch no one. But put me in a deep forest…

      Like

  2. elfahearn March 26, 2014 at 1:12 pm #

    Once in high school (we didn’t go “all the way”) my boyfriend and I were enjoying a trist in the woods on a remote island in Maine. Unfortunately, the surrounding bushes offered cover for his little brother and a friend to spy on us. We heard their giggling. Worse than ants. Wose than sand… Total mortification.

    Like

    • Elizabeth Shore March 26, 2014 at 5:52 pm #

      So the exhibitionist in you decided to be on vacation that day. Yikes. Mortifying indeed.

      Like

  3. Madeline Iva March 26, 2014 at 7:49 am #

    I’ve had great sex out doors — and the nice thing about it, I think, is that it’s something titillating without being kinky/decadent. It’s kind of innocent actually and all back-to-nature-y.

    That said, man, you gotta pick your place with care. I know someone who had property next to conservation land, and about every other week he’d come across people boinking on his property thinking they were in the middle of the woods and who was going to see them? The fact is, if you can get back to your car in 5, 10, even 20 minutes, you’re still in ‘civilization’ and you have this illusion you’re alone, when really most people are moving through the land, so you’re all just scattered. Having sex requires staying in one spot for awhile (usually) and you’ll be shocked at just how many people are out on the trails with you.

    Like

    • C. Margery Kempe March 26, 2014 at 11:02 am #

      Hee!

      Like

    • Elizabeth Shore March 26, 2014 at 11:33 am #

      I know exactly what you mean. Forests, especially, can give you a false illusion of being the only out there. But stand still for not too long and sure enough, others hikers will soon appear.

      Like

      • Liz Everly March 26, 2014 at 3:25 pm #

        Um. Or mountain tops. As was once the case with me. Thought we were the only ones up there!

        Like

      • Kelly Janicello March 26, 2014 at 4:11 pm #

        Or for an unsuspecting beady eyed squirrel. Love the title by the way.

        Like

  4. C. Margery Kempe March 26, 2014 at 7:29 am #

    I remember one reviewer giving me four stars instead of five for SWAN PRINCE because she was so horrified by the idea of sex out of doors, LOL.

    Like

    • Elizabeth Shore March 26, 2014 at 11:34 am #

      Really? What a rip! Talk about focusing on the wrong thing. Forget about whether she likes the writing, or the characters, or the dialogue. No – it’s all about her dislike of outdoor sex. Annoying.

      Like

      • C. Margery Kempe March 26, 2014 at 3:00 pm #

        At least it was still 4 — I had one star reviews because two people had trouble downloading files. Like that was my fault!

        Like

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