By Alexa Day
A recent study indicates that one in six people would be willing to have sex with a robot. I’m kind of surprised that the number is so low. I think most of us know at least one person who would jump at the chance to have sex with a robot. You probably know more than one if you’re counting me. After all, it was just a little while ago that I wanted us all to think seriously about having sex with a coach in the room.
(If you don’t think you do know even one person who would say yes, well, you know what they say. I’ll wait here while you check the mirror.)
Today’s post, then, is for the other five people. I’m not convinced those people actually said no to the robot sex. I just think they haven’t said yes. That’s understandable. There’s a lot to take into consideration. In all honesty, if someone did ask me whether I’d be willing to have sex with a robot, my response, lawyerly though it might be, would be that it depends.
My mission today is to help those of you on the fence to focus your thoughts. If you get from maybe to yes, then so much the better. If you decide on no, well, at least I know you thought about it.
From where I sit, there are at least three questions between any of us and a sensible decision about robot sex.
1. Define sex. I have presumed that this question refers to sexual intercourse. But why limit our definition in that way? I don’t know that I want any part of oral sex with a robot, but honestly, if we trust a robot to perform surgery, should oral sex be out of the question? What about manual stimulation? And consider the robot as sexual mediator. How many couples have broken up — or never gotten together — because of That One Thing He/She/You Wouldn’t Do? Mightn’t the hangup-free robot be a giant step toward togetherness? Of course, you’d have to be totally comfortable with the idea that the robot can’t catch feelings for your partner, which leads to the next question.
2. Define robot. This is a thorny question. After all, women have been enjoying sexual contact with various forms of machinery since the days of hysteria. My presumption was that we were actually talking about an android, a completely artificial construct that’s built to resemble a human being. I’m not going to lead us down the primrose path to the robot brothel filled with androids who look like Jude Law because then the question becomes “Would I have sex with Jude Law?” There’s nothing wrong with that question. It just isn’t really what we’re talking about.
Instead, let’s try to be as realistic about this as we can. You’re probably going to be dealing with a robot who looks like one of those Animatronic fellows they have at your higher-end amusement parks. (Or Westworld. Remember Westworld?) That’s the best case scenario. At worst, you’ll be working with something one step prettier than the original Terminator toward the end of that first movie. Lots of metal, expressionless eyes, unspeakably heavy, and lots of exposed joints to pinch your most sensitive places.
Leaving aside the question of appearance and safety, how much artificial intelligence are we working with? My learned colleague, Madeline Iva, suggested that an android like Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation, only (much) sexier, might make a good partner. I concur. All of us want a partner who’s eager to perform well, wants to learn from past experience, draws from an infinite body of knowledge, and isn’t dragging around a lot of emotional baggage. All we’d have to do is adjust the sexiness level, but how difficult could that be with modern technology?
3. So what’s the catch? For each of us still thinking about Our Robot Sex Partners, there is at least one unanswered question that prevents us from agreeing to hot robot action. In my case the question is, “Do I get the robot right out of the box?” See, if the robot has been around, and everyone and her sister has been rubbing herself against it, then I have to decline. Another woman might ask what the robot looks like. A third probably wonders if money is an object (another potential dealbreaker for me, although I’m sure as hell trying to deduct that bad boy on my tax return). And I guess I’m still hung up on whether it’s heavy. Robot sex isn’t going to be quite so enjoyable for me if we can only use some of the positions.
A quick search confirms that there’s a wide body of erotica featuring robot sex, although I can’t say I’ve read any of it. But I know I can count on you tech-savvy, sex-savvy folks to let me know where to start, right?
And be sure to let me know if you’re up to getting down with the robots.
And finally, be sure to follow Lady Smut. Nothing can possibly go wrong. Seriously.