Fresh and Dirty: Three Ways to Renew the Bachelorette Party

Before we get here, can we take it a little inappropriate? Please?

Before we get here, can we take it a little inappropriate? Please?

By Alexa Day

Not so long ago, my summers were filled with bachelorette parties. I loved the early ones. We drank to excess. We danced. We spent lovely hours in this one-horse town’s rare male revues and left with our ears ringing.

But the bachelorette party has changed. We are still drinking, thank heavens. The rest of the night’s proceedings β€” you know, the sexy part β€” seems to be disappearing. I’m not sure why that’s happening. Are we bearing witness to a Great Chastening that will ultimately be bad for my business as an erotic romance writer? Has our society finally slut-shamed the bachelorette party into a shadow of its former self? Is this just a regional thing that doesn’t affect parties outside America’s southern states?

I don’t know. I only know that this bothers me for two reasons.

First, although this has been a wedding-free summer for me, I don’t think I’ve been to my last bachelorette party, and while I love hanging out with my girls, I certainly prefer a touch of debauchery. And secondly, if what I hear so frequently is true, at some point in the distant future, I’ll be at my own bachelorette party. I have little desire for my own bachelorette party to be chaste, even if I’m holding it in the community area of the retirement home.

So here’s a short, purely self-indulgent wish list of things I’d love to start seeing at bachelorette parties in general and at my own bachelorette party in particular. (Unless robot sex is available at my bachelorette party. Then we can add robot sex to this list as #4.)

1. Nantaimori. It’s sushi served on the glorious naked male body. That’s two of my very favorite things, one on top of the other. Literally. I’ll need to start saving for that now, but I can deal with that.

2. Shirtless service staff. I know, I know. But what can I say? I’m a big fan of the shirtlessness, so the thought of watching the hot shirtless men carrying cocktails and canapes makes me absolutely alliterative. Which is a good thing. At least for me.

3. Erotic poetry. Right now, as I’m writing this, I’m thinking of Ovid. Modern translations of his Art of Love preserve all the ancient heat. From my personal copy of the Humphries translation, I found this gem at the end of a discussion of sexual positions: “Really, I pity the girl whose place, let us say, cannot give her/Pleasure it gives to the man, pleasure she ought to enjoy.” Sure, he goes on to suggest that we ladies fake it ’til we make it, as it were, but nobody’s perfect.

I believe the trend in bachelorette parties in general is swinging away from debauchery to something more sedate, like spa days. It’s a difficult transition for me; I’m a staunch defender of a woman’s right to debauchery. But if the point of the bachelorette party is the company of friends and family in a celebration anticipating a major life change, then I support the sedate party. You know, for other people.

I can always hit the strip club for my birthday.

Or Labor Day.

Or Friday.

While I’m getting my paycheck cashed in singles, you should consider following Lady Smut. Plighting your troth has never been this much fun.

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  • Madeline Iva
    June 22, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    I’m down with everything you mention but the poetry.

    And different strokes for different folks, I say. Some women would just rather do the spa then grind on Alessandro, the walking mountain of muscle that makes women whinny.

    (This may have something to do with the fact they’re getting married.)

    • Alexa Day
      June 22, 2014 at 11:25 pm

      This is part of the confusion for me, though. Isn’t it part of the spirit of sisterhood for one of us (okay, it’s me) to take on Alessandro for the good of the assembled company?

      Erotic poetry might just be one of my things. It’s kind of a personal goal to live someday in the sort of place that has a regularly scheduled, well advertised erotic poetry reading.

      • Madeline Iva
        June 23, 2014 at 12:00 pm

        Yeah, Alexa, take one for the team! ;>

        • Alexa Day
          June 23, 2014 at 10:19 pm

          Oh, you know it! I take my responsibilities very, very seriously. πŸ˜‰

  • Elizabeth Shore
    June 22, 2014 at 3:47 pm

    I have to admit, I haven’t been to a bachelorette party in quite some time. The last time I went it was filled with what seemed rather silly stuff. Making the bride-to-be kiss a bald man’s head, for example. Just kind of … I don’t know … meh.

    IF, however, the bachelorette party was indeed filled with debauchery, well then, I’m in. Sushi on a naked guy, hot shirtless waiters … what’s not to like?! Clearly I’ve been invited to the wrong parties.

    • Alexa Day
      June 22, 2014 at 11:30 pm

      It’s been a while for me, too, and while my last experience ended up at the strip club with two other parties, there was generally less debauchery than I would have liked. That might not be a reasonable standard. I totally get that. But still, how hard can it be (ha ha, heyo!) to get a hot shirtless waiter or five to handle drink service?

  • C. Margery Kempe
    June 23, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    In the UK they’re called hen parties. They wear matching outfits or even costumes (once ran into a Where’s Waldo group o.o) and often go on for whole weekends. Drinking a debauchery a must.

    • Alexa Day
      June 23, 2014 at 10:21 pm

      I wonder if it’s possible to crash one of those. A full weekend of straight-up debauchery sounds just about right to me!

  • C. Margery Kempe
    June 23, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    And for the record, erotic poetry is hot.

    • Alexa Day
      June 23, 2014 at 10:18 pm

      It’s the hottest. Fine firm mouths and sexy voices wrapping themselves around all that lyrical goodness … yep yep yep yep. That’s what I’m talking about. πŸ˜‰


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