Posted in Relationships
August 13, 2014

Elizabeth Is Up North – Way North

sexy man

By Elizabeth Shore

Hey, Lady Smut readers! I’m away this week in Finland so I’m leaving you with two things to keep you occupied until I return next Wednesday. Below is a post I wrote several months ago that I’m re-posting in case you missed it last time. And above is picture of a hot guy. Why? Because seriously, why not? 😉

You may remember a post I wrote several months ago about frustrations of love in the digital age. It was inspired by a friend of mine who’s in the throes of a serious long-distance relationship. She and her guy met online, they “dated” online, they even fell in love online – all without ever having actually met one another in person. They live really far apart – on separate continents – so airline tickets are über expensive and cash is tight for both of them. This situation went on for close to a year until finally, last month, they met in person. He flew to where she lives and stayed for four weeks. By all accounts, it was amazing. Now, alas, he’s gone back home and they’re left pondering the age-old, long-distance relationship question: should one of them move for love?

It would be a massive, emotional life change. It would mean leaving behind friends, family, job, and familiar comforts. It’s not something everyone can do. It’s not something everyone should do. But how’s a girl to know?

Writer Amy Spencer posted an interesting blog article on match.com’s online site (tagline: “because love doesn’t come with instructions”) about her own experience on taking the moving-for-love plunge. She recently relocated from NYC to L.A. and shared some good insight about how to know the time to move is right. Her tips mostly focus on making sure that a couple’s long-term goals mesh. Dreams for the future, whether the relationship is “in it for the long haul,” that kind of stuff. She also wrote that the two of them having a new place together, instead of her moving into his existing place, was vital to success. She writes, “Now, instead of feeling like I’m encroaching on his pre-me life, I feel like we’re on an “us” adventure.”

The interesting dynamic in the situation for my friend, and for any couple involved in a long-distance relationship, is that ultimately there needs to be an end game. At some point, the relationship has gotta happen in the same location for it to deepen and grow. Skype and Hangout are great, but they only go so far. The truth is, if you’re not together, you’re not together. The physical doesn’t happen. Phone sex and Skype sex hold a certain appeal, but only for so long. You don’t want to be building up callouses (heyo!) from an over-abundance of self love.

While I was thinking about my friend’s situation and reading some articles on long-distance relationships, I came across something interesting. Blogger Eric Ravenescraft wrote that a friend once told him, “A long-distance relationship isn’t really a relationship. It’s the promise of one.” Interesting theory, but I don’t agree. Neither would my friend. She and her guy are definitely in a relationship, and have been for the past year. They’ve spent the bulk of their time apart and have only met once. Yet they are partners in every classic sense of the word. They share life’s ups and downs with each other, their dreams and their goals. They offer support to one another, they laugh; they love. But at some point, if they want to go on, one of them’s gotta move. Question is who? And when?

Have you ever moved for love? Would you? Let us know how you feel on the topic and don’t forget to follow us here at Lady Smut, where we’ll always try to move you.


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  • Post authorKemberlee

    I’m in Ireland 17+ years now. Moved from Northern CA in early 1997 after meeting an Irishman online and having a little ‘affair’ 😉 I was already planning to visit Ireland on a 6 month visa and we hooked up on a travel forum on the old Compuserve social networking site the year before. We struck up a friendship, and maybe a little more, until I arrived in Ireland. We met right away and I haven’t been able to get rid of him since! We’re 15 years married at the end of this month. We actually married twice . . . once in Ireland on 25 August (the day we met online…also the day we got engaged two years later), and again in CA for my family on 9 September (if you’re doing the math, that’s 9-9-99 😉 )

    After my first 6 months, he followed me to CA for a 3 week holiday to see where I came from and meet my family. We then had to decide who would move. It ended up being me, for various reasons. But now we’re planning a grand adventure of moving back to CA. This should be interesting 🙂

    Reply to Kemberlee
    • Post authorElizabeth Shore

      Soooo romantic! Thanks for sharing your story, Kemberlee. I love that!

      Reply to Elizabeth Shore
  • Post authorMadeline Iva

    I would take Ireland over Northern CA any day!

    Me and my sweetie who have always been joined at the hip had to suffer through a long distance thing at one point. He broke down and took a ‘break’ from his job to be with me. This, after daily 4 hour+ phone calls. Thank God for cell phone unlimited talk plans! I was excited about what I was doing at the time, but sank into a gradual depression without him–and it took me about a year+ to drag myself out of it. You can’t fight true love, I guess.

    I just didn’t see all that coming. We’d been together for so long, I thought being apart for a few years for some of the time (aside from visits) would be a snap. What got us though was the sleeping. We’d hit that point where we didn’t sleep well apart, and man, going without sleep messes you up very very quickly. I’d had an off and on sleep disorder at times, and it came raging back without him around. It s-u-c-k-ed. I’m glad your friend finally met her guy and it’s all working itself out. I’m all for love and the world well lost, etc. so I hope they take the plunge soon.

    I feel like when someone gambles on love that they’ve won even if it doesn’t work out. Because they’re showing they can commit, they can be a full-on partner —even if it’s not with the person they originally hoped they’d be with. Someone else will come along and fully appreciate them….

    Reply to Madeline Iva
    • Post authorKemberlee

      There are some truly amazing places in NorCA. I’ve been all over Ireland, and while it’s stunningly beautiful in places, there are some ugly places too. And not everyone is keen to have outsiders moving here. Biggest issue for me is socialization. I have none here. And my family are all back home. The drive to be home more now than before comes with aging parents and my sister having a baby…the only grandchild among all us ‘kids’. I want to be a proper auntie and not just the mysterious one who lives on an island in the North Atlantic.

      When it comes down to where to live, a place’s beauty is last on the list. It’s where family are and one’s connection to them. My husband isn’t very connected to his family. He comes from a big family who play favorites, and when his brother and wife had a child, we suddenly slipped to last on the favorites list. But we have each other. We don’t have kids and no cemented ties. We could move to anywhere if we wanted to, and may one day. Right now, the adventure is calling me back home and he’s loving the adventure of it all. 🙂

      Reply to Kemberlee
      • Post authorMadeline Iva

        Yes, I hear from a lot of people that’s the hard time of it living in another country. So many foreign lands work on the principal of the only friends you have/people you trust are your family. Or that the friends you make as a child or in school are it, plus family. Your work buddies are not friends outside of work, and you don’t have the time/space/trust for new people in your life. We are *so* not like that in America. It may take a while for people to come around–and they may never 100% accept you in some places if you weren’t born there *ahem, the south* but it’s just not as closed and insular. Maybe that’s why we’re all about to move around so much like we do and make it work, eh?

        Reply to Madeline Iva
    • Post authorKemberlee

      The problem with Ireland is that it’s a small island. It’s barely 350 miles long and 160 miles wide. They’ve systematically pushed everyone out who tried moving here (albeit with a lot of good cause!). But a lot of them have issue with expats who were born and raised here moving home. It’s like once you leave, that’s it. It goes back to the old days when living family members were waked as they were getting on the immigrant ships for the new world. Passage was so expensive that it was doubtful they’d ever return. You had to treat them like they were dead. Doesn’t make sense today, but some of the people from that former generation are still alive. I can understand it though today. The Irish have fought really hard to say ‘This is mine’ and for blow-ins to come in and buy up property and live here hearkens back to a time when it was illegal to even BE Irish. I live just outside a town now where if you utter just the name Oliver, you’ll get spit on. That hatred goes back 350 years. The Irish have long memories 😉

      The opposite of that is that IF you manage to get an in, it’s like the Mafia or a street gang. ‘Once you’re in The Family, you’re in it for life, Vinnie!’ (she says in her best Mafioso accent) lol

      You’re exactly right about school friends and family. A lot of Irish have been friends with their current friend since they met in Junior Infants class. They don’t have room for more, unless one of them marries, then the spouse maybe brought in . . . if they’re Irish. I married into an Irish family. Love them to bits, but I’m still the outsider as an American. My sister in law is Irish and more part of the family than I am.

      Yep, in America . . . you have an accent, and Americans are all over you. Unless you sound Mexican or Asian. But if you say you’re from Madrid or Japan, then they love you. lol

      I like going to different places. It’s wonderful to learn about different people and cultures. And they Irish DO love Americans . . . as long as they’re tourist . . . or the Obamas who they’ve quaintly renamed the O’Bamas 😉

      Reply to Kemberlee
  • Post authorKat Attalla

    I hope you are enjoying Finland. I am definitely enjoying picture of the guy you left for us.

    Reply to Kat Attalla

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