Make the First Move
by Kiersten Hallie Krum
Even the most staunch feminist would have to admit we live in a remarkable (though imperfect) era of immense opportunity for women, an era in which the prestigious Fields Medal, the Nobel Prize of Mathematics, is awarded to a woman for the first time. Yet despite the many advances in women’s rights over the last century, hell over the last half century, the idea of a woman asking a man out on a date is still…wonky. The tradition of “the man asks” still holds general sway.
Or does it?
A 2011 Psychology Today article that calls the act of asking someone out a “risky initiative,” found that the majority of women surveyed still wished to be the ones being asked while the majority of men surveyed prefer to do the asking. The results of the actual asking reflect this as women reported being asked out an average of five times in one year while the men reported being asked out an average of once a year. “So, after decades of increasing sexual equality, why are women not assuming equal ‘risky initiatives’ responsibility?” Good question.
Fortunately, things seem to have improved two years later. Cosmopolitan magazine–that great bastion of sexual truthiness–quoted Match.com reports in 2013 that 91% of men were A-OK with a woman making the first move to ask them out. Additionally, more than 50% of women surveyed reached out first after the first date and 40% initiated sex.
A survey on Debate.org found an 80% return of YES when it asked “Should women ask men out?” A variety of explanations for this result included that tradition was made to be broken, men shouldn’t be the only ones to take all the emotional risk, and the all-encompassing, life is short, so why not? “Why is this up for debate?” replied one poster, “It’s 2013 for crying out loud! Women can do whatever they want.” Even dating sites like eharmony.com offer a helpfully meant if patronizing list of clues for “When you should ask him out.”
Body language and flirting, the traditional nonverbal lures of women to signal a man she’s open to his advances, still have their roles to play in modern dating life. Frankly, they’re fun too. It’s flattering to be the pursued, to have a man value you enough to put an effort into courting you. That said, there’s no better way to establish equal footing at the start of your relationship than for a woman to show she’s not afraid to take the emotional risks starting with The Big One. Far more preferable than following some antiquated “rules” that passive-aggressively manipulate your prospective mate.
After all, turnabout’s fair play.
The steam punk erotica short story Turnabout Day from our own Lady Smut blogger, Alexa Day, debuts this Friday. Find out what happens when relationships in an alternative Jamaica get turned upside down.