Posted in News
September 17, 2014

Adding Kink To Your Sex Life? Join The Club!

MistressBy Elizabeth Shore

This week we’re marking the recent release of The Big Book of Submission, in which you can find our own C. Margery Kempe’s story The Rhino. And, while I’m always happy to celebrate the success of fellow writers, I find myself struggling to figure out what to say about kink. Honestly, I feel I have as much knowledge about the BDSM lifestyle as I do about, say, spark plugs. Or urban planning. But seriously, what’s a little lack of knowledge to stop me from gabbing about this topic? I’m a writer, after all. It’s what I do. So I decided to take the bull by the horns – or, in this case, take the butt by the plug – conduct a bit of research, and share my findings with fellow readers. Certainly I can’t be the only kink novice out there, and no doubt there are many who wish to add naughty to their nookie. So come along, students. Class is now in session.

For the kink philistine who wants to whip herself (heyo!) into shape, it’s best to begin at the beginning and start munching. Turns out, a “munch” in the BDSM world is the place to kick off one’s adventure. It’s an informal or casual social gathering for folks involved in the scene. Munches are the appetizer on the BDSM menu. It’s not so much an educational get together as it is a place to meet like-minded others. However, from what I’ve learned, there are plenty of novices who attend munches in order to familiarze themselves with how the BDSM scene works. If you’re planning to go, be aware of proper etiquette so you don’t wind up getting yourself spanked before you actually want to be. (!) For example, don’t ask someone at a munch what he does for a living, where he works, or any other personal questions that would out him to the outside world. Many people need to keep their kink under wraps from the rest of their lives, so probing into what one does aside from BDSM will win you no fans.

A munch may be directed toward a specific group (just for subs, for example), or might be focused on a topic such as the proper way to dominate. So, OK. You’ve decided you want to attend a munch. Where, oh where do you find one near you? Fetlife to the rescue.

Fetlife is the social network site for the kink-lovin’ populace. They boast a membership of over three million devotees (yowza!) and label themselves as “the BDSM and fetish community by kinksters for kinksters.” There are forums, event listings, advice, photos, and overall general resources for those who want to get their flog on.

In addition to Fetlife, there are bloggers a’plenty who will happily spank you with good advice, such as Jay Wiseman, The Pervocracy, submissiveguide.com, and Bemused Enlightenment, just to name a few.

When I think of BDSM gatherings, my mind inevitably conjures up images from the masquerade/bondage party scene in Eyes Wide Shut. It seems like something I could get into, especially if the people were as good looking in reality as they are in the film! (Uh-huh, I like to dream) Such parties apparently actually exist if one knows where to find them. Robin Reinach, author of the novel Broken Open, undertook a boatload of research in sussing out the kink scene in NYC, and she discovered that there are indeed Eyes Wide Shut parties around, some even held in swanky hotels.

Other elements of BDSM hold less appeal in my book, including fire play (ouch!), participating in a “slave market,” or electro torture. Still, perhaps what’s most appealing about BDSM devotees is how non-judgmental they seem to be. It’s an all-inclusive, anything-consensual-goes kind of atmosphere which, when it comes to sex, is something to be thankful for.

So there you have it. BDSM 101, for the unintiated. Get out your vinyl suit and join the fun. Oh, and for more fun, don’t forget to follow us at Lady Smut. If you don’t, we might have to spank you. 🙂





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  • Post authorMadeline Iva

    Don’t forget Kink Academy — where one can learn learn learn about all kinds of BDSM, um, stuff.

    Reply to Madeline Iva
    • Post authorElizabeth Shore

      Oooh, good one. Kink Academy to the BDSM rescue!

      Reply to Elizabeth Shore
  • Post authorMegan Morgan

    I definitely learned a few things from this post! I know as much about BDSM as you did before you started your research. I’m not into the scene but I have friends who are and this is a good look into their world. Thank you!

    Reply to Megan Morgan
    • Post authorElizabeth Shore

      Absolutely, Megan! Thanks for the comment.

      It was interesting research. For sure there’s a whole big community of kink lovers out there and from what I’ve read, they seem very supportive of one another. I really like their sense of inclusiveness. As Kat mentions below, whatever floats your boat.

      Reply to Elizabeth Shore
  • Post authorKat Attalla

    There is a whole wide world out there with something for everyone. My feeling is whatever floats your boat.

    Reply to Kat Attalla
    • Post authorElizabeth Shore

      Me, too. As long as no one’s getting (unintentionally) hurt, go for it.

      Reply to Elizabeth Shore
  • Post authorAuthor Charmaine Gordon

    0Color me dopey and I’m a gal who never said no but kinky? Hot looking undies turn me on and the guy just has to take time. Thanks for the class, Elizabeth, and you have plenty of that.

    Reply to Author Charmaine Gordon
    • Post authorElizabeth Shore

      Haha! Right back at you, lovely Charmaine. Thanks for the comment.

      Reply to Elizabeth Shore
  • Post authorKelly Janicello

    I always thought of kink as maybe no vanilla or spicy and BDSM it’s one category. Do people participating in BDSM consider themselves kinky. Personally I think it goes beyond.

    Reply to Kelly Janicello
  • Post authorgiannasimone

    Great post! There are so many levels of BDSM play that many people intrigued by it can be overwhelmed by everything that’s out there. That’s why research is so important before diving in – and you hit the nail on the head with the munches. Most munches take place on “neutral territory,” that is away from a club or party, so that everyone involved can feel comfortable and speak freely. There are a ton of great sites/blogs out there that talk about munch etiquette in great detail – most of them are written by people who participate in the lifestyle, and while those details are incredibly helpful, reading between the lines of their remarks can also give great insight into the minds of those who like kink. A lot of BDSM activity is about a person’s state of mind. A good dom knows how to get inside their sub’s head and see what makes them tick – and how to use it to everyone whose involved’s best advantage. Sometimes those who swear they’d never go for some of the more hardcore play actually wind up finding it being a rush that makes the pleasure so much more intense. And not as scary as they thought! 😉

    If I might also suggest another great way to do some research once you’ve had a chance to talk to people in depth – check out local BDSM clubs. They are everywhere and some of them offer novice nights or open houses where non-members can actually see some of the scenes in person. But I don’t recommend that being your very first foray into the scene – it can backfire on those who might be a little more faint of heart! And I also suggest not going alone.

    Love this post – hope you do a little venturing into kink in some of your upcoming stories!

    Reply to giannasimone
    • Post authorElizabeth Shore

      Ha! I don’t know if I’m bold enough for that. I leave the “magically kinky” BDSM stories up to you, my talented friend.

      Thanks for the additional info for us kink novices.

      Reply to Elizabeth Shore
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