The Depth Of Vanity – Bleaching The Back Door

Hot assBy Elizabeth Shore

Have you heard the one about the porn star who, after getting a full Brazilian, was horrified to discover that the skin color around her bum hole was a darker shade than the rest of her? Ach! WTF do you do about that??! The porn star, so goes the yarn, put out an SOS to her waxer and voilà! Anal bleaching was born.

This story may well be nothing more than a cringe-worthy urban legend, but sadly, the trend toward getting your back door hole a glowing newborn pink is not. A quick internet search reveals plenty of ways to get this procedure done, either in a spa or through home treatment remedies. There are creams galore with names such as Pink Privates, Biofade, My Pink Wink, and Lick and Luck Butt Bleach. No, my friends, I’m not making this up. I wish I were. But good news! If the thought of rubbing your cream-coated finger around your own unsightly bum hole repulses you, head over to a spa and get someone else to do it on your behalf.

One such place is Charmed Salon in California, who on their website asks the burning question: Do you suffer from embarrassing dark or discolored private areas? (I didn’t think so, but … ) We all want to look our best, especially in the most intimate areas of our bodies. (Right, because so many people are staring down my butt hole). Now you can, with our exclusive “bleaching” procedure for sensitive areas. Our anal or vaginal “bleaching” service lightens the pigment around the anal opening to provide a smooth and sexy appearance.

Did you catch the unwritten message in that last sentence? What unsexy losers we apparently all are should we dare to buck the trend and not lighten our anuses. Or so Charmed Salon and many other places would have us think. And how f**ked up is that?!

Wanna know what’s even more f**ked up? The fact that so many people are buying into this delusion. What started as a fringe trend some years ago is growing into a common personal grooming procedure, like getting a lip wax. It’s a sad commentary on self-perception and idealized beauty when the natural pigment around an area of the body we can’t even easily see needs to get “fixed.”

There are risks involved with this messed-up trend, too. Reports of burning, scarring, or incontinence are not uncommon. Yet despite all that, a pink pucker is a desireable pucker, and people are going to great lengths to get their bum holes brighter. But why stop there? Products abound for other offensive dark areas, like nipples, scrotum, underarms, and vulvas. How happy we could all be if only our vulvas were lighter – as this ad from India demonstrates oh-so-well. A young woman grows melancholy when the sight of her handsome husband’s black coffee calls to mind her repulsive dark pudendum. Thank the heavens above for Clean and Dry Intimate Wash! One squirt to lighten those lips and she’s back to being his sexy young thang instead of the trash heap on the couch she’d been mere seconds before.

This kind of message can put me in a real funk. But instead of wallowing in fits of despair, I say we fight back. At Lady Smut we’re all about the sexy, and the sexiest damn thing in the world is a confident woman. So stay with me, everyone. Love your body, don’t brighten your bung hole, and for heaven’s sake, follow us at Lady Smut. You won’t be bummed.

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  • Barbara Mikula
    September 24, 2014 at 7:24 am

    I believe this is the perfect instance for ROFLMAO! People are nuts!

    • Elizabeth Shore
      September 24, 2014 at 12:00 pm

      I think that’s a conclusion we can most definitely draw from this, Barbara. People are indeed nuts!

  • Megan Morgan
    September 24, 2014 at 8:42 am

    I wonder how much you get paid to bleach buttholes for a living? And what drives a person to say “you know, I need a better job…I think I’m gonna be an anus bleacher!” Do they teach it in cosmetology school? So many questions…

    I guess it’s like working in the funeral industry. You just have to have the disposition for it.

    • Madeline Iva
      September 24, 2014 at 10:49 am

      How much do they get paid? Not enough, Megan, not enough.

    • Elizabeth Shore
      September 24, 2014 at 11:56 am

      Good point! I wonder the same thing about estheticians. Who wants to squeeze blackheads and pop zits for a living? But there are those who do …

  • Madeline Iva
    September 24, 2014 at 10:55 am

    I didn’t even know about lip waxing. Wha??? To make your lips smoother?

    As for the other, well, goodness gracious. I’m so over the whole “let’s match the porn star look”. Thongs, bikini wax, fake boobs, vaginoplasty — and now this? Forgettaboutit.

    • Elizabeth Shore
      September 24, 2014 at 11:58 am

      Oooooh, you’ve never had a lip wax? It’s a delight. The fine hairs between the bottom of your nose and the top of your upper lips have hot wax applied to them and then are ripped out by the roots. It’s not to make your lips smoother but to make certain that you sure as heck don’t look like you have a mustache.

  • Liz Everly
    September 24, 2014 at 11:26 am

    People have too much time on their hands. Jeez. I mean who has the time to shave your legs, let alone worry about the “back door”? LOL.

  • giannasimone
    September 24, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    Dear God, who THINKS of these things? People are nuts.

    And the next question is – how the hell did YOU find out about this? lol

    • Elizabeth Shore
      September 24, 2014 at 4:46 pm

      Oh, you know. The stuff you come across when surfing the web … 🙂

      • giannasimone
        September 25, 2014 at 12:34 am

        This might fit into the category of “I wish I could unsee/unread that!” I unfortunately know of too many things like that – this one was a new one to me!

  • Kat Attalla
    September 24, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    What will they think of next? I thought the advertisement was hysterical.

  • Madeline Iva
    September 24, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    I found out about it through an episode of IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA. This this would-be actress named Artemis — a desperate dirty girl type — uses it as a come on to a guy.

  • Steve Vernon
    September 25, 2014 at 6:20 am

    Let’s face it, ladies.

    If a fellow gets close enough to you to actually tell what shade your pucker happens to be and GETS turned off by a slight variation of hue – then there probably wasn’t any hope for the fellow in the first place.

    You’re better off without the dandified little fop!

    • Elizabeth Shore
      September 25, 2014 at 11:47 am

      Hahaha! You’re so right, Steve!

      Thanks for stopping by. We love it when guys pop up.

  • Erica Jagger (@ohgoderica)
    September 25, 2014 at 11:01 am

    Who has this kind of disposable income? Really.

    • Elizabeth Shore
      September 25, 2014 at 11:51 am

      Excellent point, Erica. And If I did, it sure as hell wouldn’t be spent on this.

  • elfahearn
    October 1, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Wow, life is just a minefield of ways to be inadequate. How could I have known I harbored such unsightly areas? Now I know what I want for Christmas. ;~)


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