November 16, 2014

I *Do* Need the Badges: A Brief Word on Uniforms

So how does that magic work?
So how does that magic work?

By Alexa Day

I had an encounter with several members of the law enforcement and first response community a while back. I’m not going into the details here. Let’s just say I didn’t touch any of them, and we’ll leave it at that.

Anyway, while I was involved with these folks, I couldn’t help but notice that a great many of them are hot.

What? I couldn’t help it. It’s my job to notice.

The firemen were hot. The police officers were hot. Perfectly professional, of course. But undeniably hot.

I had to wonder — and I promise that I was quietly wondering this out of harm’s way — what causes that. Certainly there must be average-looking police officers and paramedics and firemen out there somewhere. I mean, it’s not UPS, where I honestly believe they only hire hot people.

Do these particular clothes make the man … sexy?

I’m not altogether sure. But I think that when the allure of the man in uniform works, it works for a particular set of reasons.

The uniform is practically designed to exploit the male body. Piping lengthens legs. Epaulets draw out shoulders. That jacket seam goes all the way down the center of a man’s back. And the belt. A policeman’s belt makes it easier to watch his hips move. (The same principle applies for a belly dancer’s belt, by the way, except that my costume belts served few other purposes.) How often do we get to watch a man’s hips move?

Not often enough, my friends. Not nearly often enough.

I also wonder if the uniform causes a man to carry himself a little differently. I once ran across a gaggle of firemen hanging out on the sidewalk near an apartment building. They were all dressed fairly casually for firemen, in their fire department T shirts and leg-lengthening pants, waiting for some of their colleagues to finish testing the alarm system. But they were still hot, even without the turnout gear. (And if anyone has a better collective noun than “gaggle” for my purposes here, I’d love to hear it. Seriously.)

A uniform also comes with a built-in grant of authority. It identifies its wearer as the person in charge. He flies the plane. He catches criminals. He saves lives. He fights evil. And right now, he pays attention to you. That’s pretty heady stuff. I think it lies at the base of the uniform fetish, just before it blooms into a healthy appreciation for smooth, soft leather, shiny buttons, sharp creases, and all those hard, unyielding angles. I think the uniform sends a clear message about who is the boss of whom.

Most importantly — and least superficially, just to prove I can do that — there’s the fact that a man has to earn a uniform. If we see him out and about in uniform, we know right away that he’s done something to set himself apart from the rest of us. He’s done something important. He’s done something you needed done. He’s done something not everyone is able to do.

And the great part is that this facet of sexiness — the admiration — translates equally to women in uniform. All the pride, all the appreciation, none of that pesky desire for inappropriate touching. Everybody wins, right?

So right now, what I’m gonna need you to do is follow Lady Smut. That’s right. Just click the button over there, and we’ll take it from here, okay?

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  • Post authorKayelle Allen

    Everything you say here about uniforms is correct. Authority is designed into uniforms. When you say “badges” — I’m unsure if you mean the type of badge a cop wears (such as a sheriff’s metal star, or the type that clips onto a belt or lanyard) or what you show in the picture at the top. As former military (US Navy) I can tell you those are referred to in all services as ribbons, and that the “full dress” version are called medals. The word “ribbons” conjures up pink and lace and frills, but it’s the actual term for the uniform. That said, the hotness factor for uniforms remains. ^_^ There is inherent power in a group of people moving in unison, especially with purpose. Every aspect of the uniform is designed to increase respect. Wow does it work. Thanks for the reminder of how well.

    Reply to Kayelle Allen
    • Post authorAlexa Day

      Oh, the headline refers to this oft-misquoted fellow, who found himself with a bit of a credibility problem with no badge. I have military in the family (and among the exes), so I’ve gotten up close and personal with the ribbons. 😉

      I hadn’t thought about large groups of people moving at the same time. 🙂 That’s an intriguing prospect!

      Reply to Alexa Day
  • Post authorMadeline Iva

    Thank you for bringing this important bit of appreciation to my attention. Yes. Uniforms are hot. Of to perseverate on that now. ; >

    Reply to Madeline Iva
    • Post authorAlexa Day

      You’re welcome! It’s part of my job to provoke thought, right? 😉

      Reply to Alexa Day
  • Post authorLiz Everly

    Oh yes. Many of those guys really take care of themselves, physical conditioning and all of that. When I was at the Writer’s Police Academy last year, they were not in uniform, but still HAWT!

    Reply to Liz Everly
    • Post authorAlexa Day

      Yay, physical conditioning! Are we doing enough to appreciate physical conditioning? I mean, seriously, can I help do more?

      Reply to Alexa Day
      • Post authorKel

        Oh so much this… but there’s a difference between physical form for a purpose, and the type of build someone gets from a lot of gym time. It changes how someone walks, how they carry themselves, how they move… and the first is tres sexy.

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