November 20, 2014

Sexy Older Men–AKA The Daddy Figure

Model Steven Ritts has a whole new career these days--as the older guy.
Model Steven Ritts has a whole new career these days–as the older guy.

By Madeline Iva

Occasionally, the guy who runs OkCupid.com shares interesting statistical from his dating site.  One statistic: women tend to think the ideal age for a man is the same age as herself. For example, if a woman is 21 then her idea of the ideal age for a man is 21.  If she’s 35, then it’s 35.

Men, on the other hand, think that the ideal age for a woman is 21.

It’s like the punch line to a bad joke.  Cue the sound effects: Whaaa-waaa-waaaaah.

I am not surprised.  Never have I been so hit upon as when I was 21-ish.  Nine-tenths of the men were older–around thirty or so.  They saw a young woman alone in the world and wanted to take care of me.  It was an irresistible urge on their part.  I wanted nothing to do with them–an irresistible urge on my part.  Basically, I was very intimidated.

To be honest, I had grown up fatherless. The daddy figure thing hit me on an emotional funny bone.  It made the sexual chemistry between me and a guy who was older hideously uncomfortable and icky for me.

Ah, how joyous it was when I met my dear beloved husband and that issue was put to rest for forever.  No more being approached by older men.

Years later I was hanging out with two guys at lunch–both of whom were about fifteen years younger than me.  They talked about living in NYC where they both got entangled with older women.  The bottom line: while they really wanted to relish the ego boost of having knocked boots with a sexy older women–in their hearts of hearts they found older women intimidating. Hooray! — It wasn’t just me. I know other people are different, but I appreciated the company.

Foyle 3
Good father figure.

Then I got a little older.  Things changed.  First I became a lot more aware of men physically.  My friends were the same.  All our minds seemed to have wandered to the gutter. They confessed to a sudden obsessions with men’s legs, or chests.  Me too! But for me it was also a time where I did an about-face with the whole older man thing.

I’ve noticed I’m once more getting the eye from older men.  Of course, older now doesn’t mean guys in their 30’s, it means guys in their 50’s and early 60’s.  Usually at the gym.  Sometimes in the line at the grocery store or in a cafe. Unlike the younger men, who will be staring at my breasts in the gym and then look up another six inches, flush and look away, older men are going for eye contact with the hint of a smile.  Unlike younger older men (!) older older men, seem to be able to read subtle cues that I’m not interested and they stay away.  And me? I’m not bothered by the whole thing as I used to be.

Looking at actors on TV or in movies, I find that suddenly older men aren’t intimidating–they’re sexy.  In fact, I like the idea of older men.  Someone more patient.  Someone who recognizes his own flaws.  Someone who sees things across a landscape of experience and makes a gentle suggestion that really helps.  I also find that I like the way older men look.  Is it just me or have older men stepped up their game?  Some men improve dramatically over the decades– both in appearance and in charisma.

There’s a quality of experience and assurance with older men that I now like and appreciate.  But, so what? What we’re really talking here is the daddy figure thing–in a sexy, more sophisticated form.  The whole dark desire of a Daddy Figure? Not so freaky to me any more.  Definitely a forbidden desire. Definitely hot.

Bad daddy.
Bad daddy.

And why IS it so forbidden? The older-man/younger-woman thing is as old as time.  As common as it is, our society gets incredibly critical at the idea and takes a huge crap on it. With good reason sometimes.  Another statistic: the greater the age gap, the greater the chance of a couple breaking up.

On television I notice that sometimes the older man and the younger women just have the chemistry. When they try to match up the older guy to an age appropriate foil, it’s not the same.  (Though I appreciate the thought.)

What are you gonna do?  In FOYLE’S WAR they just let all that chemistry lie there.  On HOUSE they took it to an awkward, painful place.  As usual. Alas.


Go forth next week and feast your heart out at Thanksgiving! We’re going to post some of our favorite blog posts from the past while wishing you warm holiday cheer.

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  • Post authorKemberlee

    I used to say, when I was younger, that my age limit was 5 years older than myself. Never younger, mainly because guys mature much slower than women and I like men to be at least someone close to my own intellect. As it turned out, most guys I dated were 2-3 years older than me…though there was one older man who tried to make me his mistress, but that’s another story for another day, and let’s just say I was 19 and he was old enough to be both my daddy and my sugar daddy! 😉

    As I hit my mid 30s, I found myself looking at men 10-15 years older than me, not because of intellect but because there were some hotties out there! And now that I’m 50, there still are! I don’t feel 50 so looking at a 60 year old guy still seems like dating grandpa, but hey, if you bring on some Billy Bob Thornton, I’m all over him! {drool}


    And look Madeline, he’s bearded 🙂

    Reply to Kemberlee
    • Post authorMadeline Iva

      Billy! I agree with what you’re saying — although there’s this guy I met who’s 63 and I gotta say, I don’t know, sometimes I think, you know, he’s got it going on….

      Reply to Madeline Iva
      • Post authorKemberlee

        Age is just a number, right? And didn’t I hear 50 is the new 40? Stands to reason 60 is the new 50. So does that mean 60 is really the new 40? Hmm…


        {running away quickly} 😉

        Reply to Kemberlee
  • Post authorKel

    I do have to admit that my attraction-states has shifted as I’ve gotten older, but mostly to exclude people; the young-looking are just too young. (This is ironic, as people guessing my age tend to be consistently surprised by my actual age by at least 5 years.)

    I’ve always found older men attractive, but not as “daddy” figures – I’m blessed with wonderful fathers, and while they’re attractive men, the whole concept of them as actual sexual beings is oddly squicky. (I know they have active sex lives – more so than mine, actually. That’s awesome. That’s also enough for me to know, thanks.) Older men are more settled into themselves. I find that trait attractive in younger men, too. I was mostly raised by a woman born in 1904 – older men have habits and mannerisms I find soothing. They also generally aren’t afraid to dance.

    This makes them my idea of excellent friends.

    • Post authorMadeline Iva

      ‘Soothing’ is the key word here. I used to be so insecure myself that people who seemed comfortable with themselves were very intimidating to me. Over that now. 🙂

      When I was younger I never really thought about my desires changing over time. I’m very interested in how other’s women’s desires have changed over time.

      Reply to Madeline Iva
      • Post authorKel

        Amusingly, the fact that I share unconscious mannerisms with their grandparents is either a deal-breaker or a source of intrigue with various men my own age… some find it very intimidating, others take me home to meet their family almost immediately.

        Yeah, I’ve been the girlfriend who was introduced to reassure the parents that their son wasn’t out of control, despite the tattoos and the motorcycle. And the weird part is that it worked so well, I’ve even been that fake girlfriend for a gay friend.

  • Post authorElizabeth Shore

    I find younger men physically attractive – hey, what’s not to like? But they often seem dumb as mud posts, mainly because they seem to have such little real life experience. Men in their 40’s – 50’s on the other hand … now, they’ve got it going on.

    Reply to Elizabeth Shore
  • Post authorMegan Morgan

    Older men and the ‘Daddy’ persona is 100% my thing. LOL I don’t think I can add anything to that–it’s just what I like!

    Reply to Megan Morgan
    • Post authorMadeline Iva

      We’re on the same page then! Megan, have you read any good romances with this theme?

      Reply to Madeline Iva
  • Post authorKatie

    Great post! I especially like that you bring Michael Kitchen’s character of Foyle into the discussion. The chemistry between his character and his colleague Samantha Stewart was fairly jumping off the screen. I would agree that there is a degree of relief and ease with older men who are confident in themselves and have a bit of life experience.

    Reply to Katie
    • Post authorMadeline Iva

      Ah! So I’m not the only one who noticed. This is what I love about sharing this stuff — suddenly I find I’m not so odd after all….

      Reply to Madeline Iva
      • Post authorKatie

        Certainly not the only one! 🙂 If I might nudge you towards Foyle’s War fanfiction, you will find a host of wonderful and well written stories about this particular pairing.

        Reply to Katie
        • Post authorMadeline Iva

          WOW! Really? I had nooooo idea! Have to go check it out.

          Reply to Madeline Iva
  • Post authorNatalie M.

    I’ve always loved older men. Always. I’m 36 and I don’t think I’ve ever dated a man who was my exact age for any period longer than 3 months.

    Reply to Natalie M.
    • Post authorMadeline Iva

      I was at a party with an older guy and his much younger girlfriend. They met online. She said it was important to her that the age difference bothered *him* — to her it was a sign that he was a good guy–but it didn’t bother her at all. She dates older guys all the time. I thought that this was really funny.

      Reply to Madeline Iva
  • Post authorbritdetectives

    Ah, Kitchen. Sigh. There are many who agree that his chemistry with Sam sparkles. Of course his chemistry is outstanding in just about anything he does. And he’s only gotten better with age, though he was so pretty in Out of Africa it makes your eyes ache.

    Reply to britdetectives
  • Post authorJessi Gage

    Ohmygosh, the fireman who responded to a minor emergency at my house the other day…gray-stubble beard. Thick arms and legs. Tall, strong, comfortable in his own skin. i had difficulty remembering I was a happily married woman!

    I love older men (and yet I married a guy 9 months younger than me!). Since I’m not living the older-guy fantasy, I write about it. Often. Many of my heroes are quite a bit older than my heroines. In fact, in my latest release the guy is 16 years older and has feelings of giult about being attracted to the heroine before she was even out of high school (the book takes place years later, but for him, some of the awkwarness remains.) It’s a fun dynamic to explore and one I fantasize about 🙂

    Reply to Jessi Gage
    • Post authorKel

      It’s the comfortable in their own skin thing that really does it, I think. Younger men are often… trying too hard. They lack the ability to be still, to accept the reality of another person without feeling like it takes something away from them. Older men have had time to realize that they are still there, and that other people can be strong, capable humans without taking away from them. They also usually have experiences and stories to share…

      They’re just interesting people.

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