February 25, 2015

Yes, Guys, It’s True: We Talk About EVERYTHING

Fabulous brunette woman with curly hair
Listen up, girlfriend. I’ve got a story to tell you.

By Elizabeth Shore

Here’s a conversation I recently had with a male friend about a personal situation I’m dealing with.

Him: Well, I don’t know if you’ve ever said anything to Charlotte*
Me: Oh, I told her everything.
Him: (looking incredulous) Everything?!
Me: (incredulous that he’s so incredulous) Of course. I always tell her everything.

In the guy world, conversation between two men who’ve known one other their entire lives and consider each other best friends – not that they’d ever label it as such, but if pushed – may truly not go deeper than whether such and such coach should have his contract renewed. The idea of sharing anything even remotely resembling “feelings” is as scary to them as having to answer a spouse’s question about whether a skirt makes her look fat. Curiously enough, there could be physiological reasons behind why talking about feelings is so tough for guys. One of the best articles I’ve recently read on the topic points to the challenges men have in dealing physically with situations involving high emotion.

But feelings aside, men in general shy away from sharing information on their private lives, especially as it relates to their girlfriends/spouses. I’ve been told by men on more than one occasion that “wives are off topic” among guys. Oh sure, they can say stuff like, “My wife got a new job,” or “My girlfriend and I are planning a trip to the grand canyon.” But how about whether or not he thinks you’re good in bed? Or the part of your body he worships the most? Or a fight you two had? According to men I’ve asked, those topics among men are ABSOLUTELY VERBOTEN. But we women are the opposite. When we’ve got a good friend with whom we feel comfortable and know we can trust, there are few topics too private or too embarrassing or too dark that would compel us to intentionally keep them hidden from our bestie.

Unlike men, we women will talk with one another in detail about sexual encounters. Every move he made in the sack, how he looks naked, if he was able to bring about the big O – and if so, how he did it. Masturbation? Sure! How often you do it, when you do it, whether you use toys, which ones get you hot. Indeed sex is territory filled to the brim with delicious conversational opportunity. But one interesting/somewhat disturbing theory behind why we talk about sex with our female  friends chalks it up to women’s intense competitiveness with one another.

I have to say, I don’t buy it. Women giving one another details about their men in the sack is boiled down to little more than bragging rights? Oh, you think the way he sucked your nipples was good? How about my guy going down south for over an hour! Nah, I don’t think so. It’s said that men communicate for a clear purpose – to solve a problem. Women communicate to explore our feelings and organize thoughts. We’re not looking for a solution; talking in and of itself is often all we need. That all makes sense, and I can completely accept the “exploring our feelings” rationale about why we talk so much about sex to one another, but I’ve never felt the need to boast about intimate encounters as if I’m coming away victorious in a sporting event. I’ll willingly fess up, however, that I’m fascinated when any of my friends recounts her sexcapades. Hey, it’s a story. Perhaps it simply appeals to the writer in me. Then again, maybe I just think I can learn something.

So how about it, ladies? When it comes to sex, do you share and share alike with one another? And if so, is it because you feel the need to gloat? Share your thoughts below – we love comments! – and be sure to follow us at Lady Smut. You know there’s no sex topic we don’t share.

*Charlotte’s name changed to protect her identity so she can keep telling me stuff


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  • Post authorMadeline Iva

    What would I do without Lady Smut? I do have one friend I share nitty-gritty details with, but when there’s nothing there to chat about I have good ole’ Lady Smut to glean goodies from.

    Meanwhile, DH is this uber-sports guy and what he says is that if you’re exercising with another person — biking fifty miles, running twenty miles or whatever — that much time and trying to avoid focussing on the pain means everyone eventually opens up and it all pours out. He’s had friends confess to all kinds of scandalous things. *All Kinds* I’m sure he’s telling them everything about us too…

    Which makes me kinda appreciate the strong n silent old school thing. Guys who don’t talk aren’t sharing *your* secrets. I think I must know what guys go through when they hang out with your bff. I am just *not* going to think about what he must have told them about me in the sack. Oy.

    However, I think all that silence was slowly killing men back then. And I think those days are slowly going bye-bye as it becomes more and more acceptable for guys to share their deep feelings. Turnabout is fair play, and if I’m spilling everything about DH, it’s only fair he gets to spill about me too.

    Reply to Madeline Iva
    • Post authorElizabeth Shore

      I think they SHOULD be able to say what they want, but apparently the no-talking among them is some kind of guy code of conduct. Or some I’ve been told.

      Reply to Elizabeth Shore
  • Post authorKel

    I only share details with permission; I can talk about me and what I like, but details are as much personal as inviting someone else to join and that isn’t done without everyone’s consent.

    Of course, people who know me well can pretty much figure out who was most likely involved; that’s the problem with close knit friend groups and being into monogamy. If I mention a thing that has a time-point, they usually know who I was involved with unless I was single.

  • Post authorC. Margery Kempe

    Not all women, for sure. Not for me and not for most of my friends. I have lots of secrets I will keep forever. But then I come from a region that’s known for its taciturnity.

    Reply to C. Margery Kempe
    • Post authorElizabeth Shore

      I do find there are cultural differences between those who share everything and those who tend to keep a lid on it. But geez, some of the stuff my American girlfriends have told me has almost – almost! – made me blush. It’s probably where the whole TMI acronym originated from. Because, you know, sometimes it really is just too much information.

      Reply to Elizabeth Shore
  • Post authorChristina

    No, I would never give a female friend specific sexual details about my man. In the past I have found out the hard way, most women can’t be trusted. They find out something really juicy about your man and then they have to try and get him, either to steal him away, or just borrow. But either way that is not something I want, so I keep specifics on the bedroom to myself. I also keep size and such information to myself as well. I may say he is blessed (if he is) or he is about average (if he is) but that is all on that particular subject, for the same reason. I am not like this, and of course not all women are, but the women that I have known have been untrustworthy bi**hes who the minute they find out you have a good man who knows what he is doing in bed, will go out of their way to get him, just to be able to say that they had him. I have no idea why they do that. So mostly friends I have now, the few that I do have, are men. lol

    Reply to Christina

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