Posted in News
April 15, 2015

A Champ in the Sack, Perfect Gentleman, and Gazillionaire – Are Your Guy Standards Too High?

Sexy handsome hunk with white jacket
Mr. Perfect

By Elizabeth Shore

A former work colleague of mine once went on a date with a guy whose online profile exactly matched the type she was looking for. He was good looking, shared similar interests, had a decent job. So she went on the date, had a nice time, but nonetheless knew after the first minute that she wouldn’t date him again. Holy cats, why not?! Did he turn out to be an axe murderer or something? Not at all. Nothing quite that petty. It’s just that the sports jacket he wore was ill fitting.

I am, I assure you, not making this up. I thought she was nuts. I told her so. She said that a guy who “doesn’t know how to dress” is not someone she can see spending the rest of her life with. So in her, er, “rational” mind, it was best to cut the ties immediately rather than string along a relationship that was surely doomed to fail.

That seemed like a big ol’ bucket of crazy to me, and as far as I know the woman is still single. But she would surely say that she simply has high standards and he didn’t meet them. End of story. However, according to author and relationship expert Matthew Hussey, before deciding that high standards are the reason some women have trouble meeting a romantic partner, we ought to first ask ourselves three questions to determine whether it’s standards that are too high or whether there’s really something else going on.

Hussey’s career in the love biz actually began as a relationship coach to men. After working with over 10,000 of them, he found himself getting approached more and more frequently by women who wanted to know – from the f**k ton of data he’d amassed over the years – what the secrets were to getting the guy. So Hussey, no dummy – and rather nice eye candy, I might add – quickly founded gettheguy.co.uk and began helping the gals better understand men.

When Hussey gets asked by women whether they can’t get a man because their standards are too high, Hussey says he tells them to answer the following three questions:

1. Are you looking for someone who actually exists? Think about what your “requirements” list and whether it goes something like this: fantastic looking, champion in the sack, boatloads of money, body like a gladiator, worships everything about you. Sound familiar? If that’s the case, says Hussey, good luck with all that. You’re on an endless seach for nonexistent perfection. Hussey isn’t saying lower your standards, but rather have standards that exist in the real world.

2. The second thing we women should ask is whether our high standards are just a defense mechanism to prevent ourselves from getting rejected. Many women he meets, says Hussey, take themselves out of the dating game by throwing up their hands in resignation and saying they can’t find anyone who meets their standards. We’re so picky, and this or that is wrong with the guy, so of course we can’t find anyone. Then what happens is that these types of women end up dating from within a “safe” pool of men who will never reject them. Problem is, these guys aren’t really the ones we want, and they don’t meet our standards, so we’re back to saying that our standards are too high. The vicious circle is alive and well. Hussey says if this is the case, then the change that’s needed is not to lower your standards or think they’re too high, but rather to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Don’t date the safe guys you don’t want; keep your standards but accept that it could mean getting rejected and be OK with that possibility.

3. Last question: Are you enforcing your standards too soon? Remember the colleague complaining about the ill-fitting sports jacket? She falls dead center in this category. By enforcing her requirement from second one, she’s preventing herself from developing a connection with anyone. In this same way, you can also skew your own standards. Let’s say the guy my work colleague met wore a sports jacket that fit him to perfection. Other habits or personality traits he may have that didn’t jive with hers may be mistakenly discarded by convincing herself that he’s gotta be strong relationship potential because at least his jacket fit right. Oy! But the good fitting sports jacket is important to her. Why should she lower that standard? She shouldn’t, says Hussey. But in the beginning of the dating process, give people a chance. Get to know them at least a little bit. Cast a wide net initially, and then get more narrow as you decide with whom you’ll embark on a real relationship.

So there you have it. Three easy tips on snagging your perfect guy – as long as your perfect guy isn’t found only in a, you know, romance novel.








  • Post authorMadeline Iva

    Before I met DH I would never openly go after a guy I was interested in. I would just try to put out thought waves and hope for the best. I simply was not willing to be that vulnerable.

    However–unlike your friend, it’s not because I had a high standards problem. If anything, I had the opposite problem. I’d date anybody who asked me, even if he was a stranger and even though dating made me hideously uncomfortable. I just thought that’s what you were supposed to do. (Hey, I was 17, so what did I know?)

    Your blog post makes me think about why–when I took so many other risks in life at that time–I never learned to take that risk. Perhaps it’s because I thought being rejected would be too humiliating, that it would lower my dignity. I also thought that making the person I liked go through rejecting me would be painful for him — since I found it so horribly painful to reject guys myself. And since I liked my crush, I’d want to spare him that pain.

    So it’s actually a small miracle I met someone so quickly who was such a ridiculously perfect match for me in all kinds of ways I never expected or ever even hoped to find in my wildest dreams–AND he was willing to speak up about our attraction and do something about it.

    This is really great fodder to contemplate for writing heroines! Meanwhile, that Matt Hussey guy is great–I’ve seen him on reality TV shows and on You Tube. Much wisdom there. Great post!

    Reply to Madeline Iva
    • Post authorElizabeth Shore

      Thanks, Madeline! Glad you enjoyed.

      You’ve got your own real life romance story going on. You ought to blog about it!

      Reply to Elizabeth Shore
    • Post authorTania

      That just proves you don’t need any of that stuff or advice out there – if a guy likes you you know about it no game playing or setting standards for him required, if he’s the right one he will love you as you are.

      Reply to Tania
  • Post authorKel

    I know women who do this. I am not one of them, but I do have my own impossible standards. My standards are significantly different from the “usual” list, because I don’t play the same game everyone else does… but of course I had a list.

    The list was never meant to be a complete checklist of necessities, though. Or if it was, I was stupid.

    Of course, I can say that will a horrible, horrible amount of self-loathing, having met and fallen in love with the perfect man according to my list. It didn’t work; we were too similar. We ripped each other’s hearts out, but wow, could he dance… among other things. I can honestly say that my comparison point exists, I’ve got the emotional scars.

    And of course everyone has standards. Personally, I feel that people with impossible standards deserve to remain as alone as they want until they learn how to be reasonable human beings who accept others flaws and learn how to see what is precious in other people.

    • Post authorElizabeth Shore

      I couldn’t agree more with your last paragraph, Kel. There are people who will happily pick apart our every flaw and decide that we’re not the perfect person for them because of those supposed “flaws.” The truth is, there’s no perfect person out there and differences are to be appreciated and celebrated, not used as a weapon to cut us down.

      And about your self-loathing, cut it out! We think you’re pretty darn awesome.

      Reply to Elizabeth Shore
  • Post authorC. Margery Kempe

    I’m easily bored and I am terrible at hiding my boredom. Of course that has led to me dating nut cases, but they were entertaining. Je ne regrette rien.

    Reply to C. Margery Kempe
    • Post authorElizabeth Shore

      Je ne regrette rien – the best way to live!

      Reply to Elizabeth Shore
    • Post authorMadeline Iva

      Nut cases are my bete noir–mostly as friends tho, not as much romantic interests. And you’re right — a smorgasborg of crazy is never boring!

      Reply to Madeline Iva
    • Post authorAlexa Day

      Hey, I’m easily bored, too! And as I get older, I have more trouble keeping it off my face. 🙂 It used to make dating such a drag, but it’s easier now to appreciate the single life. I do wonder about those women who get hung up on the slightest little things as grounds to reject a guy, but only if they’re looking for relationship. For everything else, hey, a touch of pure superficiality can be a good thing.

      Just a touch, though. Let’s not get too crazy exclusive.

      Reply to Alexa Day
  • Post authorelfahearn

    I know I snagged the perfect guy and I’m not sure he even owns a sports jacket. =^..^=

    Reply to elfahearn

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