Posted in News
June 11, 2015

F***, Marry, Kill: The Entourage Movie

urlby Madeline Iva

It’s a terrible game — I’ll be the first to admit it.  Yet the movie ENTOURAGE is out–and it’s full of seemingly hot men — or so it seems on the surface of things.  Let’s explore…

First of all — Do we even like TV shows turned into Movies? I mean, is it worth it? The scuttlebutt on the Entourage movie is that — just like Veronica Mars — it seems like a long episode, and is that really what we’re paying $18.00 for?  Did the Sex & The City Movies work? I mean, I never saw them, but I assume they earned big bucks because they made so many of them, right? My guess is that these movies are for addicts of the show.  There are fans out there who will go anywhere, do anything just to get more of the Entourage crack they crave.  Do you have a show that you’re that addicted to?

They eat, they shop, they talk about who got laid.  The only difference is that they live together.
They eat, they shop, they talk about who got laid. The only difference is that they all live together.

Hey–Speaking of Sex & The City — Has anyone ever picked up on the amazing similarities between that show and Entourage? It’s about single-ish friends, the annoying date material of the moment, a whole lotta shopping, and chatter about the kind of sex they had last night.  Also they’re both shows about being seen in the right place in the right way.  (And we know which show came first, don’t we?) The comparisons can go on forever…

F***, Marry, Kill.  Okay, the ground rules are not to take this game at all seriously.  I’m assuming it’s possible that like me, you’re already a little embarrassed that you even watched the whole show from beginning to the end, when it’s so obviously a boy’s-tree-house-no-girls-allowed kind of overtly sexist POS.  There.  I said it. Moving on….

So who in the Entourage movie would you have sex with:

Eric, Turtle, Drama, Ari, or Vinnie?

Hot little gremlin that he is.
Hot little gremlin that he is.

Ari is compelling to me, because I love a man who tries hard with all his heart, and he’s probably the smartest of the bunch. He’s a family man in his own way and faithful to his wife.

On the other hand he’s too much mouth, too much showboat sexism/racism/fill in the blank. He spews offensiveness in a way that seems compulsive.  Where’s it coming from? That mindless urge to dominate is beyond me.

Vinnie has never done it for me.  I do not like a playah.  And other than that and his good looks what’s he got? A sweet disposition? Blah.  He’d be in the kill spot — except —

Obviously Drama must die. He’s a very interesting character, but while I can constantly get sucked up into Ari’s desperate effort and root for him, at the end of the day, while Drama struggles, he also gets sucked into male insecurity-angst land and who wants to go there? Uck.  Plus, he is all about objectification and the ugly side of humanity in Hollywood.  Though not 100% of the time–like I said, he’s interesting to study.

That leaves Eric and Turtle.  SPEAKING OF WHICH: Turtle! He’s so frickin’ cute now.  OMG.

She wants to fetishize his shortness, and he plays along about 90% of the way.
She wants to fetishize his shortness, and he plays along about 90% of the way.

I’m tempted to say ‘marry Eric‘ because he’s dependable, he’s even tempered, and he’s humble.  Then there’s the episode where the tall model (Maria Zyrianova) is so aggressively into him.  He had no problem getting it on with an Amazon.  It just won me over.  I like his voice too.

Yet I just hate it — HATE IT — when Sloane came back on the show and she was suddenly all hair extensions and new fake tits–which seemed to make her marriage-worthy. UGH!

If you really loathe this show, feel free to play a variant of this game we’ll call KILL! KILL! KILL! where you get to kill all the Entourage guys every time they’re total boneheads, every time they objectify women (and let’s be honest that’s at least 75% of the time.  They really make a point of it.)   Let’s make it a drinking game, shall we? Hey, this is really easy — Kill Drama, Kill Ari, Kill them all — the creators of the show, and while we’re at it, let’s take down the whole sexist structure of macho Hollywood.  There.

Hey, who's that cute guy with the sling?
Hey, who’s that cute guy with the sling?

Okay, but not-so-seriously back to our game: What about Turtle? Yeah, he’s gotten all cute and all. Yet think back to old Turtle.

Old Turtle was a sexist git.  On the other hand, when he did like a gal, he seemed like someone who’d obviously be totally supportive of her career efforts, because that’s just in his genes. ALSO in the Entourage movie he’s totally into that ultimate-fighting champion woman, Rhonda Rousey. The fact that he’s smitten by her makes him kinda hot himself.

So it’s pretty much a toss up.  What would you do? In the end, I’ll go with the little Irish red head.  He’s smarter than Turtle, and smarts wins with me almost every time.

I know what you’re thinking: What about Billy Walsh? You’re right–I almost forgot about him. The wild card on the show, but by far the most sexy-hot in the bunch.  He’s the one I’ve been looking for to break out after the show is over.

Crap I almost forgot Billy Walsh, the wild director who hates suits.
Crap I almost forgot Billy Walsh, the wild director who hates suits.

Final answer: F*** Billy Walsh, Marry Eric, Kill Drama.

Final variation: the m/m version of F***, Marry, Kill: Entourage.  The rules are simple:  Name which two Entourage characters have sex with each other. Name which two Entourage characters have to marry each other…And finally which two Entourage characters die while having sex with each other?

Leave your comments below–the more absurd the better. Don’t forget to follow us at Lady Smut.  We’ll bring the buttered popcorn.

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