For F**k’s Sake: Ground Rules For Sex Buddies

No feelings, please. We're just having sex.

No feelings, please. We’re just having sex.

Hey All, I’m off this week but don’t want to leave you high and dry, so what better way to avoid that than by revisiting a stimulating conversation on ground rules for sex buddies. Enjoy!

By Elizabeth Shore

I got some happy news recently when my publisher offered a contract for a story I wrote awhile ago and have really, really wanted to get published. It’s called Desire Rising and is a historical erotic romance novella about a young woman stuck in an arranged marriage to a total jerk whom she actually tried to love. One night the a-hole comes home drunk and tries to rape her, and plucky heroine decides she’s had enough. A struggle ensues and jerk hubby accidentally gets killed. Oops.

Our heroine knows she’s gonna get blamed and possibly hung for that little mishap so she high-tails it outta there in the middle of the night, moves to another city far, far away, and completely reinvents herself into an urbane, polished woman who enjoys the physical pleasures of love but keeps her heart guarded and away from the pesky business on the emotional side. She’d tried emotional love once before – and look how that turned out! – so she’s having none of it. But, naturally, this being a romance novel, she meets an awesome guy and falls in love again. Before that all happens, however, my heroine is essentially living the life of single gal with sex buddies.

In order to make the situation work for her, my trend setting heroine establishes firm boundaries of what’s acceptable and what’s not. I realized, as I was looking through the story the other day, that essentially she’s laying down the modern-day equivalent of ground rules for sex buddies. Or f**k buddies. Pleasure partners. Whatever term you fancy, entering into one of these situations can be fraught with landmines you dare not step on lest everything explodes into heartbreaking smithereens. And therein lies the rub.

Sex buddies are not people with whom you want to become emotionally attached. ‘Cause that ruins the whole point, yo! A relationship is an entirely different matter. If you’re just wanting some good sex, keep it at that – a situation where both parties are only in it for the bump and grind.

As I spoke with friends and read advice others have given, rule #1 on the sex buddy hit parade is that very thing: Don’t Become Emotionally Attached. If you find yourself thinking about baking your sex buddy’s favorite pie, you no longer just have a sex buddy.

Women consistently doled out the same advice when it came to establishing sex buddy rules. In addition to the irrefutable avoiding emotional attachment rule, there were variations on the theme: no cuddling after sex, no discussing your hopes and dreams, no sharing of personal info. These are all things you do with the one you love, not with the one you only f**k.

Other rules from the female perspective included: Keep it simple, keep it fun, no dating, don’t mix friends, don’t ask. That last point goes with the requirement to make it crystal clear from the onset that you’re not looking for commitment. Neither is he. But since that’s the case, you have to accept that you or he could have others. And if you’re not cool with that, you’re not cool with having a sex buddy.

A male friend added additional sage advice: no social events/parties, use phone calls and texts strictly for hooking up, no hickeys, bite marks, or impossible to wash out cologne/perfume, no sharing details with friends. Be discreet.

It would seem to me that having a sex buddy relationship would be more difficult for women than men. We gals tend to get our hearts involved earlier than the guys, and many women don’t want anything physical unless there’s also some sort of emotional tie. Yet there are blogs a’plenty written by women for women doling out advice on maintaining a sex buddy relationship.

What do you think? Have you had a sex buddy? Did you like it? Sound off in the comments below. And follow us at Lady Smut. We’re happy to be your buddy, and we love talking about sex. 🙂




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  • Kemberlee
    January 28, 2015 at 9:43 am

    Not sure I could have handled it when I was younger (old and married now). I was too needy for approval and acceptance. I didn’t just sleep with anyone, but sex has always had to mean something for me. I wonder if anyone really, truly can have an FWB and not become emotionally involved. Like you said, women fall faster than men. And if pie is involved and it’s not used in the bedroom…then it’s not an FWB relationship 😉

    • Elizabeth Shore
      January 28, 2015 at 9:50 am

      Absolutely agree, Kemberlee. There are certainly those who question whether a sex buddy is realistic. And, truthfully, it’s not even as “deep” as a FWB situation, because according to what I’ve read and the people with whom I’ve talked, sex buddies really can’t even be called friends.

      • Kemberlee
        January 28, 2015 at 11:14 am

        So, no relationship whatsoever. Almost sounds like an ‘escort’ situation where no money changes hands. Just two people meeting to get off then go their ways. Isn’t there an app for that? Seriously. I read about an app or site where people could contact each other in the spur of the moment…”Feeling horny right now? See who’s in your area who’d like a shag right now…”

      • Elizabeth Shore
        January 28, 2015 at 11:26 am

        There is indeed an app for that, haha. I wrote about it here on a Lady Smut post. From what I know, the sex buddy thing is having a relationship with someone that’s simply two mutually consenting adults who want to have sex. Neither wants a relationship, which is why it’s important not to let feelings/emotions take hold. If you become “friends” with that person, then you start to have some feelings toward him. Because, you know, you care about him as a friend. Sex buddies don’t seem to include friendship outside of the bedroom.

      • Kemberlee
        January 28, 2015 at 11:52 am

        Ah! Maybe that’s where I read about it 😉

        I agree with Kel. I don’t trust people easily. Sex has to mean something, even if it’s just with friends. Years ago, I had a one-nighter with someone I knew. One-nighter is being nice…more like 5 minutes. I still feel slimy thinking about it. After that, no thanks. Sex has to mean something, even if it’s just between friends.

        The thing about sex only, no emotional attachment, is that it’s really not a no-emotion thing. Once a person makes you *feel* something, even if it’s purely physical, they become a sort of go-to sex buddy. You employ an emotion to them…you love that this person can make your body hum, or you love a certain *thing* they do to you that makes you feel good, etc, so they’re the first person you’re going to go to when you want to feel it again.

        It would take a cold-hearted person not to develop any kind of emotional feeling toward the person who shares intimacy with you. If all you’re looking for is a quick get-off, there are loads of toys out there. Personally, I find the act of just touching someone in an intimate setting really nice, emotionally. Who doesn’t like it when someone strokes you and makes you feel pretty?

        Yes, I’m a sap 😉

      • Kel
        January 28, 2015 at 12:11 pm

        This exacly… Friends with Benefits are *friends*. You can talk to them, you can go places with them, you can have dinner, be silly, cry… they are *friends*… You can even fall in love with them, but it’s your heart if you do; when they walk away, and they will, you have to let them go.

        They’re not your one-and-only, and you’re not theirs, not even a little bit.

    • Madeline Iva
      January 28, 2015 at 12:36 pm

      I heartily endorse this comment if for no other reason than recommending the use of pie in the bedroom. : >

  • elfahearn
    January 28, 2015 at 10:44 am

    Before I got married I had plenty of “interests” who probably would have made dandy sex buddies both for me and for him. However, I forced intimacies into the relationship. Emotionally, I couldn’t live with the idea of a sex buddy, so I undermined the foundation, alas.

    • Elizabeth Shore
      January 28, 2015 at 11:07 am

      You broke rule #1! Naughty girl. 🙂

      I kinda feel like there are many out there who’d be rule breakers on that one, too. Which, of course, throws the whole sex buddy relationship out the window.

  • Kel
    January 28, 2015 at 11:31 am

    I’m both too open and too closed for pure sex buddies. I don’t trust people, so I require a certain level of communication and trust before I enter into a potentially disease-sharing situation. I can have sex with friends without being in a committed relationship with them… but I love my friends… so… No, I cannot have sex buddies as described.

    But I can certainly have friends I have sex with without being in a romantic relationship with them. But I might make their favourite pie for them and/or cuddle, sex or no sex.

  • Charlotte Howard
    January 28, 2015 at 11:35 am

    I broke all the rules and married mine!!

  • Author Charmaine Gordon
    January 28, 2015 at 11:37 am

    Count me out on sex buddies. Too formal and cold. Where there are bodies , let there be love and warmth with every touch. Just sayin’.

  • Kelly Janicello
    January 28, 2015 at 12:17 pm

    I think the idea concept of the FWB is great but as others have already mentioned it’s not as simple to be a cold hearted b***h, nor is it easy to remain unattached. Whether you like it or not it’s still a relationship (unless it’s a one night stand) but you need to know going in what you expect to get out of it and try try try not let it go beyond that. I think they can be a fun distraction until what you are really looking for comes along.

    • Elizabeth Shore
      January 28, 2015 at 1:06 pm

      I don’t frankly think I could be unattached, except for a one-night stand. Anything more than that, if the hook ups are repeated with the same person, I’m gonna start to care. I guess i’m with Kemberlee. A loving stroke or caress can lead to feelings in a nanosecond.

      • Kelly Janicello
        January 28, 2015 at 2:58 pm

        It’s definitely not for everyone but if that is all you are looking for instead of dating an all the bs that comes with it, it could be fun. You’ve got to harden your heart… Sort of.

  • Madeline Iva
    January 28, 2015 at 12:40 pm

    I have a story to share! So this guy friend of mine took this woman out and the idea was that they would go back to his place and have sex. He explained he had a girlfriend away for two years and that they were having an open relationship at that time–so this would be just sex, nothing more. The woman was pissed. He could feel it. She said okay, she understood, but he couldn’t get it up. Why do women *do* this? And how many women agree to that kind of a situation but are secretly hoping the sex is so good it will win his heart over?

    • Kemberlee
      January 28, 2015 at 12:44 pm

      Man or woman, we all want to be the best our partner has ever had 😉

      It’s possible your man friend thought he could play the field while his girlfriend was away but really is too emotionally invested in her to perform. Stranger things have happened.

    • Elizabeth Shore
      January 28, 2015 at 12:57 pm

      VERY dangerous territory for getting a painful broken heart, IMHO. If you enter into the relationship with one expectation, and he enters into it with another, it seems inevitable that someone’s going to get hurt. 🙁

  • Liz Everly
    January 28, 2015 at 1:01 pm

    My new favorite line: “If you find yourself thinking about baking your sex buddy’s favorite pie, you no longer just have a sex buddy.”

  • Alexa Day
    January 28, 2015 at 2:07 pm

    I’ve had one (I call him The Arrangement), and I loved it. At the time, it was a great way to enjoy all the sex with none of the dating. I just dislike dating that much. Honestly, I’d do it again if I could get the rest of my life balanced enough for sex.

    The modern world has made it easy to make an Arrangement but harder to vet one. Good thing the vetting is so goshdarn pleasant. 🙂

    • Elizabeth Shore
      January 28, 2015 at 2:49 pm

      “The Arrangement.” My, that could be a spicy book title – with spicy story included!

      So interesting to hear about your experience. And, from the sounds of it, no broken heart? Very cool.

      • Alexa Day
        January 28, 2015 at 11:18 pm

        No broken heart. We were both very clear about what we were doing and what we weren’t doing. We made sure we were clear from the beginning, and after that, it was just a matter of making sure things stayed that way. No muss, no fuss, no guesswork. It helped that he was not the sort of man I would date — his political views and mine were opposite each other, and he was vocal about it, that sort of thing. There was no possibility of our dating each other.

        It was cool.

  • giannasimone
    January 28, 2015 at 10:50 pm

    Okay, I’ve always said someday, when I’m not married anymore, I’d have a pool boy. Don’t even need the pool, just the boy. Doesn’t have to speak English, as there’s no need for conversation, and anything he says in his native tongue is likely to sound hot anyway! 😀

    Makes it so much simpler to keep emotions out of it when you can’t talk! lol


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