1. He’s not a hipster (…yet).
The first time you met him he was drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon and wearing a flannel shirt, a Carhartt beanie, and a pair of Red Wing boots. It was only until you got close enough to hear what he was saying that you realized he was talking about how he was all-conference middle line-backer his senior year, and not discussing how Paul Thomas Anderson is America’s “most important”
2. He won’t get your Mean Girls quotes.
The cable company didn’t have service all the way out where he lived. In fact he barely got enough reception with the comically-sized rabbit ears bolted to the side of his house to watch the State game on Saturdays. The closest cinema was thirty miles from his house so he’s only ever seen three movies: The Notebook, Forest Gump, and Remember the Titans.
3. His Confederate Flag belt buckle doesn’t make him a racist (probably).
That’s not actually even the confederate flag. That’s the battle flag of the army of north Virginia and the only reason he’s wearing it is because of that show Dukes of Hazzard. To him the red, white and blue reminds of home cooked meals and good ol’ boys. That being said, if he tells you that the south will rise again, you might want to move on. Maybe not. Just ‘sayin.
Or any kind of Dance. His eyes still tear up when he remembers his middle school wrestling coaching telling him he was “lead footed”. He would be much happier lying on a picnic blanket in the bed of his truck than being bumped into by sweaty twenty-year-olds years in a sketchy club with the latest Diplo/Tiesto collab track blaring in his ears.
5. Only having 80 Facebook friends doesn’t mean he’s a serial killer.
His high school graduating class was only 30 people and his principal was his best friend’s grandpa. And his history teacher. And the football coach. His social circle is tiny and he probably likes it that way.
6. Don’t visit his hometown.
To you it sounds quaint and cute. You imagine big bright red barns and sprawling pastures filled with galloping horses and grazing cows. The reality is a run-down gas station and a diner whose only patron is a ninety-year-old man who only stops wheezing long enough to leer at what you and mutter to himself about “girls these days”.
7. Your romantic past is longer than his.
You might’ve had thirty new matches on Tinder every day for the last few years, but he only ever had one girlfriend before you and it was the town scandal when the two of them didn’t get married the summer after they graduated high school.
There you have it Lady Smut readers, a list straight from a country boy himself. But he won’t let me add him name. See number 4. But you never know, this list could come in real handy, next time you get lucky enough to side up to a guy with callouses from chopping wood and cow sh*t smeared on his boots. If you don’t want to wait for that day, ya’ll can check out my country girl moves to the city to reinvent herself book, Unfinished Business.