Posted in Humor, Just For Fun
October 7, 2015

Sure Size Matters, But Sometimes It’s Just Too Big

young couple in bedBy Elizabeth Shore

In today’s world of texting and sexting, the once eyebrow raising dick pic is now commonplace. It’s like a rite of dating passage. You meet on Tinder, start up some e-convo, and sooner or later photos are exchanged. And I’m not talking about snapshots from Disneyland. No, peeps. We’re talking about dick pics. But a recent exchange between a friend of mine and a potential Tinder date had us staring, wide-eyed and in slack-jawed wonder, at his most recent photo submission. Stuffed beneath his shorts was a tube-like object the length and width of a tennis ball can. Of course, we all know that’s not what it was. The mushroom-shaped head was a pretty good tip-off.

Aaaanyway, so there we were, staring at his giant shorts-covered salami and wondering if maybe, just maybe, it was, um, too big. Could it be? We all know the saying about what matters isn’t the size of the boat but the motion in the ocean. We also all know it isn’t entirely true. Size does matter. If your man’s, ahem, member is more like a thumb drive, there’s trouble around the bend. No matter how much effort he exerts it’s probably just not going to completely satisfy. On the flip side, what if he’s got a one-eyed anaconda sprouting between his legs? Is complaining about it akin to grousing about having too much money? Not necessarily …

You probably remember the Sex and the City episode in which Samantha finally meets her match. Mr. Cocky is “too big to handle.” Ouch!

What if, when you’re making love, he’s thrusting up against your cervix. Is this a good thing? There seems to be a lack of consensus. I read some posts in which women assert that the feeling is awesome, others who say it hurts like hell. And what about oral sex? Trying to pleasure a living utility pole seems like it would result in nothing less than a horrendous jaw cramp.

If you do happen to be on the receiving end of a very well-endowed man, sex experts give a few pointers on what to do to make sure it’s comfortable.

  1. Make sure you’re very aroused. A woman’s vagina lengthens when aroused, so the chances of him slamming up against your cervix decrease as long as your engine’s fully revved before he engages.
  2. Use plenty of lube! A no-brainer, but still. Worth mentioning.
  3. Change positions to accommodate his length. If you’re on top you can control the penetration. Lying side by side has been suggested as a potential option. Bad positions: doggy style, or anal sex.

So there you have it. Helpful suggestions from your friends at Lady Smut, who know that bigger isn’t always better.


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1 comment

  • Post authorMadeline Iva

    I cannot help but think of Joe M’s tragic issues in Magic Mike XXL and his groom dance at the end. (If you’ve seen the movie you’ll know just what sex swing dance I’m talking about.)

    Re the whole cervix thing: I’m beginning to wonder if some people have just semi-inflammed innards and any kind of other-than-gentle-and-slow missionary sex (i.e. anal or sex with some pounding/Mr. Big) is going to hurt no matter how much lube, etc, you know?

    Speaking of how gentle vs. how rough the pounding gets: friends say one *can* get an inflammed cervix from Mr. I-luv-ruff-sex, even if the sex isn’t painful at all. The other thing to be aware of is that inflamed cervix cells can sound the alarms on a pap-smear — but once you figure out the cause of the inflammation, it’s apparently nothing to freak out about.

    Reply to Madeline Iva

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