Yesterday our own Alexa Day – whose story Passing Through is part of the fabulous new naughty military release Hero to Obey that we’re celebrating this week – wrote a great piece on the idea of Femdom, i.e., flipping the tables on the traditional concept of woman as submissive. With femdom, of course, she’s the one in charge, and as Alexa smartly points out, this gives us, “a take-charge heroine [who] drives her own sexual journey, and I’m all about seeing her partner treating her with the deference reserved for royalty.” Yepper. I’m on board with that, too. But still and all, in my hot fantasies, being the submissive is still where it’s at. Yet, why??
In Alexa’s post yesterday she pointed out that one reason submission in romance is so popular is because it appeals to the side of women who may have wild sexual desires but who are reticent to explore them without direction. A dominant male telling a woman to roleplay her fantasies removes any guilt she may have about the fantasy. She can’t be scorned, after all, for crawling across the floor like a kitten since she’s just doing what she was told. The burden of having to justify her behavior, even if only in her own mind, is removed when the behavior is dictated by someone else.
I think there’s certainly some truth to that, but that explanation alone still doesn’t entirely satisfy. So I set out to find intel on what strong women who like being dominated – the so-called tough on the streets, submissive in the sheets – had to say about it. Here are a few quotes from a post on thoughtcatalogue.com.
“Women are raised to act pure and chaste and I find that disgusting. Being his little sex slave is my way of rebelling against a society that tries to oppress female sexuality.”
“I like to be manhandled, mastered and degraded – but only with someone I trust. It’s a bonding experience.”
“I like being treated like his sex slave; it makes me feel irresistible.”
The best article I found was one from several years ago on alternet.org that includes a long attribution from our own Rachel Kramer Bussel, who states, “There’s no reason why a woman’s feminist thoughts or credentials or beliefs should be somehow demoted because she’s sexually submissive.” No indeed. In fact, when I think in a personal way about why the idea of submission is arousing to me, it boils down to the last of the three quotes, “it makes me feel irresistible.”
In any Dom/sub relationship, negotiation takes place and boundaries are drawn. What each person likes, what they don’t like, what really gets them off. Which means that if a man is dominating me, he’s thinking about me. I’m the one getting his full attention. I do, as the last woman stated, feel irresistible, because I’m very well aware that this scenario is also massively turning him on. I alone am the source of his desire. And let’s be honest, it’s nice. No complaints. Having wanted attention devoted just on me…I’m good with that. 😉
It’s been said that the everday powerful woman likes being dominated in the bedroom because giving up power there temporarily liberates her from having to make constant decisions. Someone else – whom she trusts – is taking care of that. It’s freeing to be sure, and perhaps that’s also a huge draw for many. Even if a woman doesn’t have a traditionally thought of “powerful” day-time role, she’s still got obligations and decisions to make that don’t have to be dealt with while in the role of submissive.
I’d love to hear what you think. Dominant or submissive? Do you set the rules, or does your partner lead the way? While pondering, be sure to check out Hero to Obey and see how Alexa’s heroine Gigi takes care of business. And then follow us on Lady Smut. Do it, you hear. That’s an order.