Dear men over forty,


by Isabelle Drake.

I little while back, I had an experience that got me thinking.

While at an intimate party, a guy came up to me and gave me the once over. You know what I’m talking about, that head to toe assessment. While I’m wondering why he didn’t have the decency to at least do that from a distance, so I could politely turn away and save us both additional awkwardness (and in his case some wasted time), he says, “hi.”

Before I finish this story, and get back to to the real point of this post, let me tell you guys, we hate the hi. Here are a woman’s options in response to the hi.

  • Be polite and say hi even if we have no interest in continuing the conversation. Most of us pick this, because of societal expectations and all that.
  • Say nothing, look away. The risk here is the follow -up hi.
  • Say nothing, snarl obviously, look away. Result, being bummed or annoyed that we had to act that way just to be left alone.

You’re thinking, what if she likes me? Wants me to say “hi”? If she likes you, don’t waste time on the hi. Just start talking. Bonus, if she doesn’t like you like that, she may be happy to chat about whatever it is you’ve just brought up.

Ok. Off that soap download_6_2box and back to my party story then on to the soap box I came here to actually get up on.

After I reply with my polite hi, he asks me, “Are you here with anyone?” Me: yes. Him: Who? Me, pointing to my date, that guy. Him: The big one? Me thinking, yeah, at 6’4″ and 220, I guess he’s big: Yes. He gives my date that once over, then, I guess deciding I’m not worth getting punched in the face by the big guy, shrugs, says not a single word, then walks off. Seriously? No, this isn’t the only time this sort of thing has happened.

So, gents over forty, have you ever wondered why your wife/girlfriend/office romance/favorite barista and every other reasonable woman in your life reads super hot books with to-die-for heroes?

Aside from the fact that these books rock, it might be because these women miss days when a man spent more than three minutes trying to get their attention, seduce them, and get them into bed. I know, at forty+ it may seem like there isn’t time to waste on sexy getting-to-know-you conversation and that split-second too-long-to-be-polite stares might not net a night of sex, but I’m here to tell you, the night of sex you do after putting in some effort will be much, much better for it.

Contrast these approaches:

Approach A. You see a woman at a bar that you think is hot so you go right up to her. Instead of asking her name, you ask her if she has her own car there. She says yes. Then, you impress her with, “I’m a dentist because I’m good with my hands; want to go to my place? Okay if we take your car?”

Approach B. You see a woman at a bar. You think she’s hot, so you stare at her. She catches you starting and stares back. But then looks away. You move around to the other side of the bar. You stare again. She catches you again, stares back a bit longer, then looks away. You repeat this two more times. You do not get impatient. Instead, you get that her being stared at is turning her on. As a mature guy, you know if she didn’t think you were hot she would not stare back. Finally, when her body language tells you she’d ready to talk–shoulders facing you–you go up and say hi. You tell her your name. You ask her name. Then, you ask her something fun. Note ask – not tell. Why? She does not want to be impressed, she wants to have fun.

Since you are a man, I’ll be direct. Approach B is better.0796

Married men, you aren’t off the hook. You still can and should seduce your wife, so you too are going to want to go with approach B.

It’s never too late to switch it up and put some effort in. Next time a woman near you is reading something hot and looks up from the page with a misty expression and a soft sigh on her lips, remember what I told you.

Also remember, just because you’re a man doesn’t mean you can’t follow us here at Lady Smut. We’re always here to inform, entertain, and keep everyone–women and men–up to date.

Isabelle Drake writes erotica, erotic romance, urban fantasy, and young adult thrillers.

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8 Comments

  • Kel
    November 11, 2016 at 7:41 am

    Oh, gods… the fast-food pickup window approach. Anyone who wants the 99 cent hamburger of dates is seriously someone to avoid like the plague; Who knows how contagious they are.

    I have nothing against “hi”. I actually hate it when people I don’t know just start talking; I find it rude and intrusive… although to be honest it’s usually because I’m doing a thing and they are being rude and intrusive. Emotional awareness is sexy. It’s one reason why intellect is such a turn on for so many women.

    And it’s not just men of a certain age that do the 30-second prowl crap. It’s just more jarring when they act like petulant children in public than when nigh-children do it. Last guy who did it to me was closer to my god son’s age than mine. (And yes, it made my skin positively crawl to be polite instead of telling him he needed better radar. I don’t look that young, honest.)

  • Madeline Iva
    November 11, 2016 at 7:47 am

    Ugh! It’s a no-win situation. I have met some women who soak in rays of sunshine when guys hit on them. I have. Never been one of them myself.

    I hate it when guys hit on me. My friends say it’s because I abuse myself with the mistaken notion that a guys feelings would be hurt when I rejected them. Well some do. I hate rejecting people for any reason at all…h-a-t-e it. Still do the face slap over the times when I had to–mostly by disappearing/avoiding them as best I could.

    But then there’s that other thing — the guy who doesn’t do the direct approach. The flip side of this is that me, being clueless never catches on that this is a slow played approach. Me, I think a guy who comes up and starts talking about something interesting really wants to be friends. Because I’m enjoying the convo and he seems to be enjoying it, and we hit it off. Maybe we even have a lot in common. So we’re friends, right? Then months later, it turns out that *no*, this was supposed to go somewhere. Not *really* friends…

    Ugh! And after I got married I said to one of my guy friends: I seriously thought that guys would see the ring and back off. He had two responses:

    a) What is monogamy? Is monogamy even real? Worthwhile? A thing anymore?

    b) It makes you more attractive. You’re even more of a challenge, and guys love a challenge.

    In the end, the only thing I’ve ever really enjoyed is the flirty smile from a guy, preferably more than four feet away, that stayed a flirty helpless grin. There’s no mistaking it, and it’s totally harmless to return it, since that four foot or more gap is never crossed. That’s a guy who knows that the woman who maybe drifts towards him half the distance or more or turns her body towards him even if she’s talking to someone else, is probably interested at least a little. Try that guys. See what works.

    • Isabelle Drake
      November 11, 2016 at 11:10 am

      So true. In the end, if you ask me, it’s about having a good time. Too bad it’s so darn complicated!

  • Michael
    November 11, 2016 at 10:48 am

    Let me see… I should stand at the other end of the bar and try to make eye contact (hope that you actually see me). If in that exact moment you look at me, I’ll hold my sexy, enticing eye contact just a fraction too long. I’ll be able sense that you are into me. I’ve cast my heroic spell and everything around us fades into nothing. We are all that exists in the world…it is magical and intoxicating. Then, I’ll continue to glance your way until you see me again and I’ll act embarrassed that you caught me stealing a peak and hope you gaze a little longer. You love a strong man with a sense of humility…it is endearing. No, you want a bad boy. Well, one or the other. Then, I should move closer after our playful tension has built. I’ll skip hello and just start a conversation and you won’t even hear me because you are swooning and weak kneed. Oh wait, one woman suggested I should just say “hi” because it is rude to just starting talking. No wait. I should stand four feet away and just smile so you know that I think you are attractive because you don’t really want to engage at all anyway…since you’re married. Just playing with all of this… Trust me, we have plenty of suggestions for women and how they can be like our ideal woman (anima) which is similar to visuals women have of male characters found in romance novels (animus).

    • Isabelle Drake
      November 11, 2016 at 11:07 am

      Yes! Well said.

    • Kel
      November 11, 2016 at 12:27 pm

      There’s no one secret perfect approach that will work for all women, mostly because we’re all different people. I know, it’s awful. Life would be so much easier if we all came with secret codes that you could just punch into your game controller in order to win teh sexxorz.

      Better luck picking a different game next time I hear there’s a good bet for robot sex in the near future…

      But seriously. Some people like direct. Some people like oblique. Some people want to be left alone to read their book. Some people are mourning the loss of their pet/friend/favourite plant and want to nurse their drink in peace. Watching for a bit, checking body language and seeing if the person you’re interested in looks even vaguely receptive and then approaching in a friendly but not “gimmee a burger fries and a shake” manner will seriously improve your chances. No one likes to be treated like junk food.

      And most of us don’t want anyone to be our ideals any more than you want to be them. Fantasy is fun for an afternoon, but reality is much more enjoyable in the long run. The trick is finding someone willing to play, able to keep up, and interesting enough to make the rest of everything worth it. That’s when we stick around. (It’s also the other reason intellect is sexy – intelligence is like having extra game levels… it doesn’t mean you automatically win, but it gives you a lot more to do.)

      • Michael
        November 11, 2016 at 7:18 pm

        Thank you Kel, there is great wisdom in your comment and your humor is a pleasant bonus. 🙂 It’s not like I’ve never been “on the prowl” and looking, but I’ve also been fortunate to have women pursuing me (in a tasteful, flirty way) and that often makes the signals a little easier to interpret. Women seem to get better at this as they get older. Women seem to gain confidence in themselves and in their sexuality as well as a better appreciation for what they want and need from a man. Intelligence and an erotic mind are always welcomed…and preferred. Hope you have a great weekend.

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