Here’s a conundrum to consider: what do you do when you’re so adoring of the earth that recycling your plastics or turning off lights as you leave a room aren’t nearly enough to show your planetary passion? When you’re so besotted with nature that you’re perfectly comfortable talking dirty to dirt? Or making love to a carrot? Why, it’s simple, really. If you find yourself pining for a pine tree, wanting to truly commune with nature, then you, my friend, might be an Ecosexual.
A good pal recently alerted me to this growing phenomenon, and growing it is! According to an article in The Sun (and really, how appropriate for an article about the earth to appear in The Sun), there are now more than 100,000 people worldwide who call themselves Ecosexuals. They even, luckily, have a manifesto. Here we can read about the beliefs and behaviors of nature lovers who, literally, love nature. They celebrate their “E-spots.” They also, according to the manifesto, “shamelessly hug trees, massage the earth with our feet, and talk erotically to plants.” Well, okay. Aside from the plant thing it doesn’t sound all that nutty. But is this merely to demonstrate a wonderous worship of the planet? No indeed! As it turns out, Ecosexuals not only love the planet, they feel that making love to the planet can actually help save it.
From what I gather, the thinking revolves around lovemaking as a means of rejuvenation. Life begins with a seed, and spilling seminal seed into the earth might just give it a revitalizing boost. Of course, biologically speaking, that’s a bunch of hooey. Human seminal fluid isn’t exactly going to fertilize corn. Or is it? If Ecosexuals believe that making love to the planet can help regenerate it, a quick romp in potting soil might be just what the earth doctor ordered. As their manifesto even states, “We are very dirty.” Oh my.
For those planet-loving Ecosexuals for whom showing their passion for the earth by spilling their passion on the earth still isn’t enough, good news! You can also marry the earth. Or the moon. Or a lump of coal. How? By taking earth vows, of course. Elizabeth Stephens and Annie Sprinkles, whose field of research is “Sexecology” – the intersection of sexology and ecology – perform earth weddings and have posted earth vows on their website. If you, too, want to take the plunge and marry the earth, it’s important to remember that part of the vow includes the statement, “everyday [sic] we promise to taste you.” Sooooo…. however you want to interpret that, if you marry the earth it’s your duty as earth groom or bride to taste your spouse. Whether that means simply consuming some of earth’s bounty, like a freshly picked apple, or whether that means licking mud appears to be entirely up to the newlyweds.
For Sexecology experts Stephens and Sprinkles, their fervid earthiness is shown in various ways, including publishing a list of “25 ways to make love to the earth.” First order of business: ditch those feelings of embarrassment you may have about you and the earth shackin’ up. Much like with a human lover, the earth has no need for a lack of self-confidence. You love the earth? Well then, show her, damn it! Roll around in the dirt, masturbate under a waterfall, f**k a tree – you name it. Go “au naturel” and make love to the grass. Rusticate with roses. As long as you’re a peace-lovin’ earth lover, it’s all good.
Elizabeth Shore writes both contemporary and historical erotic romance. Her newest book is an erotic historical novella, Desire Rising, from The Wild Rose Press. Other releases include Hot Bayou Nights and The Lady Smut Book of Dark Desires.