Come Again … Eventually


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Sheri Winston taught me a thing or two about meditation. Click and get yourself some sexy science.

By Alexa Day

Things worth doing are worth doing slowly.

It’s one of the philosophies that gets me through life, but much of the real world is built for speed. We’re conditioned to work faster, eat faster, and move faster. Sadly, this need for speed has begun to stretch into the bedroom.

I sense resistance to this idea. No one wants to admit, even quietly to themselves, that they’re having sex too quickly. You’re raising your eyebrows at me.

And that’s fine. Let’s pretend for the moment that we’re talking about someone else.

Back in November, I wrote about Regena Thomashauer’s book, Pussy, in which she describes a Demonstration of Extended Massive Orgasm. In a live demonstration, the DEMO course features a one-hour female orgasm. Thomashauer describes the experience of being brought to extended orgasm by one of the class leaders, in front of a gathering of students.

My mind was blown.

I’ve been to sexual meditation before, a loosely guided journey out of the here and now and into the world of sensation that’s usually kicked under the rug of so-called real life. An eye mask pushed the outside world a little farther away, and I sat up after fifteen minutes feeling fully rested. Sexual meditation is a must for writers of erotic fiction, a practice that slides business and productivity concerns out of the way in favor of communion with the feelings and sensations of our characters.

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Ready to grab your own? Click to buy.

Somewhere in the DEMO and sexual meditation between is Orgasmic Meditation, or OM. In OM, one participant (the stroker) strokes the clitoris of another participant (the strokee, naturally) for fifteen minutes. The practice is intended to create heightened connection between the participants and to bring about extended, deep sensations of pleasure.

The orgasm as we know it, that which we typically call a climax, isn’t really the point. Indeed, the strokee may not experience a climax. The practice of OM is focused on orgasm, a “goalless, intuitive, and dynamic” state. Orgasm isn’t something to achieve in OM. It’s heightened consciousness, sensation, awareness, and connection, and it starts as soon as stroking overtakes the flood of conscious thoughts. All this stroking is often performed in front of other people, too. I don’t know what’s up with all the observers, but it seems to be working for other people, so I’m not going to cry about it.

Nicole Daedone is the founder and CEO of OneTaste, the organization that teaches Orgasmic Meditation. She advised two first-time OM observers that the clitoris is home to ten loci of sensation, and that each locus feels different when stimulated.

Damn. That’s worth handling slowly, too.

It is no surprise that there’s resistance to a meditation practice focused so intensely on the female orgasm. The stroker, typically male, doesn’t even remove his clothing. Critics are quick to call it a cult or to jeer that the fifteen-minute journey into the state of orgasm is easily achieved by any woman with a sex toy.

That’s missing the point, I think. Although I do find it interesting that these critics almost uniformly recommend a sex toy and not a partner, as if they are aware that they lack the necessary patience, the necessary technique, or both.

Speaking as someone who recently experienced a sex toy intense enough to vibrate my dental work, I question whether a toy is the way to the state of orgasm achieved through OM. Because much of the point of OM is to take the strokee out of her own head, I also question whether the goal can be achieved with self-stimulation, which does require the sort of thought OM strives to avoid. My suspicion is that a great many people are threatened by any practice focused exclusively on the female orgasm to the exclusion of the male’s climax. I can see how that would be a problem. There’s so little in Western culture that addresses male sexual pleasure, right?

Now, doesn’t it seem like a good idea to slow down? Everything will still be here afterwards. And who knows how long it’ll take to traverse orgasm, now that we know it’s a state and not just an off-ramp?

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Alexa Day is the USA Today bestselling author of erotica and erotic romance with heroines who are anything but innocent. In her fictional worlds, strong, smart women discover excitement, adventure, and exceptional sex. A former bartender, one-time newspaper reporter, and licensed attorney, she likes her stories with just a touch of the inappropriate, and her literary mission is to stimulate the intellect and libido of her readers.

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  • Madeline Iva
    January 17, 2017 at 9:29 am

    Verrah interesting! I just got a slew of books from the book store to do some research on sensuality and a lot of the titles were like: Make It All About Her, etc. I think people are finally realizing that if the woman partner doesn’t think she’s gonna get some serious pleasure out of their sex life with her partner, that the sex life is going to suffer accordingly.

    Perhaps for some having quicker sex is the compromise. He gets what he wants and she doesn’t waste a lot of time. But that starts sounding really sad, doesn’t it? Though I’m not knocking it–hey! Whatever works.

    Meanwhile, many women (in the research I’ve been reading) have so much on their minds — work, the kids, the house, all the other emotional responsibilities like the in-law, co-ordinating all the family activities—that sex becomes the first thing to slide waaaaaay down on their To-Do list.

    Given such a crowded internal landscape, I can see how Orgasmic Meditation would be just the thing to let go off all those jostling thoughts, and tune into the body and emotions.

    Other things that have been mentioned in the research I’ve come by while trawling for Sexy Saturday Round Up articles: women can be drastically different down in lady-land with a wide variation in stimulating nerve endings. So what works for one of us may not work for anyone else. That’s why it’s so super-important to try things out and see what works for you AND to clearly communicate that to your partner.

    Another thing: try running around. Apparently in doing research the first thing that we are expected to do when having sex is to lie down, stay still and think of England. In fact the reverse is true. Getting the body moving and all stimulated really helps to get women aroused. At the smart fraternities they always set up a dance space for their parties–with a pole too, for if the female feels so inclined—Because it works is why!

    Finally, studies are starting to get to the heart of ways in which women find sexual pleasure. Some women find pleasure with a partner but a lot of women find much more joy with themselves than with a partner…

    • Alexa Day
      January 18, 2017 at 10:55 pm

      You know, I’ve been surprised by the way that the business end of writing sex can crowd out the pleasure side of writing sex. Concentrating on the business of erotica does have a way of pushing actual erotic thought to the back burner. Meditation is definitely helpful for that — at least it has been for me.

  • carlyquinnauthor
    January 20, 2017 at 10:11 pm

    The things I might do for the man that would even attempt giving me the fifteen minute orgasm………

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