Why Tom Hardy Won’t Play The Hero

19 Jan

by Madeline Iva

There’s scuttlebutt going around about Tom Hardy playing Bond. (My vote is still for Idris Elba).

It’s a tease, folks.  Don’t believe it.  Won’t ever happen.

Tom Hardy can look like that really bad boy–the one your parents worried about when you were growing up.  tom1He can look like trouble on a stick, and his lips are all smokin’ hot and sensual, making one’s panties go perfectly damp. Yet he’s elusive.

He wrinkles his forehead and all you want to do is clutch him to your cleavage and sooth him.  You see pictures of him cuddling his dog and your ovaries get all rumbly.tom2  Yet he manages to evade massive female adoration, mostly by doing projects like this that we’re not really that into.  It’s as if some gravitational pull of the universe was drawing him away from us.

He simply won’t play the hero.  He denies that women could be attracted to him, yet he knows how to look perfectly pretty-boy if he wants to.

You can play the pretty boy if you want to, Tom. If you *want* to.

You can play the pretty boy if you want to, Tom. If you *want* to.

However, he says he’s got crooked teeth, toothpick arms, and yada yada yada.  Bullsh*t. He’s got those lips, that nose, that voice and that smoldering something.  I submit to you the following evidence:

I see a toothpick, but it's not your arms, Tom.

I see a toothpick, but it’s not your arms, Tom.


I first noticed Tom and his wonderful British accent in RockNRolla – and I admit, one had to squint a little to see him around the combined mega-wattage of Idris Elba and Gerard Butler.  But I remember his role far more clearly than the characters that the other two played.tom4

I think Tom didn’t have much success with more woman-friendly roles at first. So he went sideways on us.

Clearly he wants respect.  In interviews he speaks with such concentration, as if not wanting to say anything ass-hat-ish and sorta squinting with multiple pauses.  It’s like he’s struggling to not say any words that aren’t spoken from his deepest principles, but these principles are hard to hear amidst all the other jostling emotions surging up inside him.

He’s had his troubles.  He was a wee bit bi at one point in his life. And did his baby-mama ever actually marry him? No.  Now he’s engaged married to Charlotte Riley, who’s that funny looking yet excellent actress from JONATHAN STRANGE & MR. NORRELL.  They met on the set of Wuthering Heights, yet even while playing Heathcliff for god’s sake he still denies he’s the hero-type women want.

Because we don’t want someone intelligent, Tom? Because we don’t want someone who defies boundaries and stereotypes? Pah.tom3

Fine.  Make us chase you, Tom.  But your destiny is written in the sky, and you can’t escape fate.  If not Bond, then some other role will reach out and pluck you by the back of the neck.  Some other role will require you to once and for all demonstrate that you know how to hold a woman in the palm of your hand and with one twist of the fist make her all orgasmic.  You can’t fool us, Tom, even though you try.

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wickedapprenticefinal-fjm_high_res_1800x2700Madeline Iva writes fantasy and paranormal romance.  Her fantasy romance, WICKED APPRENTICE, featuring a magic geek heroine, is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, and through iTunes.  Sign up for Madeline Iva news & give aways.



One Response to “Why Tom Hardy Won’t Play The Hero”


  1. Madeline Iva - January 20, 2017

    […] via Why Tom Hardy Won’t Play The Hero — Lady Smut […]


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