If You’re An Alpha Female Looking For Love You’re Totally Doomed

1 Mar

By Elizabeth Shore

Are you an alpha female? Do you, for instance, always need to be right? Are you a perfectionist or overachiever? Are you a drill sergeant?

If you’ve answered yes to one or more of these questions, you are, according to author and frequent Fox news contributor Suzanne Venker, an alpha female. And if you’re an alpha female, and you happen to be married, well, good luck with that, honey. Your marriage is screwed.

See, according to Venker – the niece of rabid conservative anti-feminist Phyllis Schlafly – in her new book, The Alpha Female’s Guide to Love and Marriage, “If you took the alpha wife quiz and determined you’re an alpha, I have some news that at first will be hard to swallow: you’re going to have to cede control. If you don’t, your marriage or relationship will continue to be one giant fight.”

Yowza! That sounds ominous. I don’t want a bad relationship. Or “one giant fight.” Who does? Well, apparently, all those evil feminists, that’s who. Feminists are the cause of all relationship ills. Did you know that? Me, neither. But Venker’s book includes former Fox news anchor E.D. Hill’s assertion that her need for self-reliance led to a “power struggle” with her husband and that, “along with other issues” (who knows what those were), led to her divorce. This leads Venker to the following conclusion:

“Thanks to feminism, this ‘power struggle’ Hill describes is par for the course. Women today are effectively at war with the men in their lives, sometimes unknowingly. Even women who don’t consider themselves feminist have a feminist mind and as a result don’t understand men and marriage. The idea that the sexes are “equal,” as in the same, has supplanted what past generations have always known: that men and women are vastly different creatures. And that dismissing those differences makes marriage hell.”

Huh. So, wow. There’s a revelation for you, right? Men and women are vastly different creatures. Who knew! Well, apparently only past generations and not the dim-witted alpha females of today. So asserts Ms. Venker. And if you’re not bright enough to acknowledge those differences – and cede all control, let’s not forget that – then you’ve just punched your ticket to relationship purgatory. Take that, alpha female.

But, wait. About that quiz…above I only pulled out 3 of the 13 questions that help you determine whether you’re an alpha female. To help you out, the whole quiz is listed below, taken directly from Suzanne Venker’s website:

  • Do you feel nervous or out of control when you’re not the one in charge?
  • Are you a perfectionist or an overachiever?
  • Do you sometimes feel superior to your husband, as though he needs you to show him how to do things? (How to dress, what to say, how to grocery shop, how to parent, etc.)
  • Do you take your everyday frustrations out on your husband as though he’s the cause of those frustrations?
  • Do you generally expect your husband to go along with your plans, as opposed to the other way around?
  • When you listen to your husband, are you immediately formulating a response in your head before he’s finished speaking?
  • Do you roll your eyes when your husband says something with which you disagree or disapprove?
  • Do you frequently contradict your husband? (If your answer is no, would your husband agree?)
  • Are you a drill sergeant?
  • Do you tease your husband in front of others in a manner that could be construed as disrespectful?
  • Do you need to be right?
  • Do you frequently interrupt your husband or talk over him, even in public? (If your answer is no, would your husband agree?)
  • Does your marriage feel like one giant power struggle? (If your answer is no, would your husband agree?)

The more questions to which you answer in the affirmative, says, Venker, the more alpha you are. Well, hold on there, missy. Here’s my quibble with the damn quiz. In my world, if someone publically humiliates her spouse, or frequently contradicts him, or rolls her eyes when he’s speaking, I wouldn’t call her an alpha female. I’d call her an a**hole. Behaving like that isn’t asserting your alpha, it’s just being rude. Call me crazy, but to me an alpha female is a strong, confident, hard-working woman who knows what she wants and has the courage to pursue it. You know, kinda like an alpha man.

Some additional relationship insight from Ms. Venker: “insisting that a woman doesn’t need a man is a terrible precedent for marriage.” Again, I’ve gotta disagree with you there, Suz. I don’t think the basis for a good marriage is “needing” a man. I think it’s wanting him. Wanting the love, respect, support, and partnership that we should all receive in a relationship. Isn’t that the reason for having one in the first place? What it doesn’t mean is having to “cede” all control and letting the man always be in charge. Sometimes he is; sometimes you are. You find the balance that works for you both.

Elizabeth Shore writes both contemporary and historical erotic romance. Her newest book is an erotic historical novella, Desire Rising, from The Wild Rose Press. Other releases include Hot Bayou Nights and The Lady Smut Book of Dark Desires




15 Responses to “If You’re An Alpha Female Looking For Love You’re Totally Doomed”

  1. Elizabeth Shore March 6, 2017 at 4:30 pm #

    I had the same thought – trying to extract from the flotsam and jetsam of her nonsense some grain of wisdom or a coherent idea. After all, SHE’S a career woman, right? And presumably in control of what she does with that career. I doubt she’s letting some guy – namely, her husband – make all the decisions for her so as to avoid “one giant fight.” And yet I could find nothing. No crumb of what she says resonates with me. I guess I’m just one doomed bitchy alpha female. Sad.


  2. tessajherrin March 2, 2017 at 1:13 pm #

    I never thought I am an alpha female, but now I wonder 😐


    • Madeline Iva March 2, 2017 at 3:10 pm #

      Maybe you are. And maybe that’s a good thing. They say that Alphas are born, not made. Maybe you are a good leader. Maybe you like to organize people, events, chaos into harmony… Maybe you are a visionary and see a solution when everyone else walks around with question marks hovering over their heads. Maybe you are a problem solver.

      Our world would be in the shitter without women running things. At Tina Fey once said, “Bitches get shit done.”

      But that is all totally different from people who struggle with control issues (I’ve had my moments with this, believe me) and who because of how they were brought up, or anxiety, or whatever reason have gotten stuck into a default pattern of saying “That’s not right.” And “You’re not going to do it like that, are you?” That’s being kinda critical. Sometimes needed, and yet never overwhelmingly embraced by the recipients of the criticism for some reason… ; > The mistake this book is conflating positive female power and strength with the critical thing….

      So which are you? 🙂


      • Elizabeth Shore March 3, 2017 at 4:16 pm #

        For the record, Venker’s other little nugget of wisdom is that in order for us gals to lead “balanced” lives, what we need to do is rely on a man. So obvious! A man’s identity is “inextricably linked to his paycheck,” so let him bring home the bacon so we little ladies can stay home with the wee ones. Even, apparently, if you don’t want any wee ones or happen to love your career.


        • Madeline Iva March 4, 2017 at 9:46 am #

          You know, I have this tendency to try and see through conservative rhetoric to see if there is some common sense in there somewhere. I mean, she must have thought she was trying to advocate for something positive, right? I wouldn’t put it quite like ‘rely on a man’ though. Do I want to rely on my Sweetie? Of course I do! But I want him to rely upon me too…

          Meanwhile, I recognize (and what romance fodder this is!) that some women because of their past (I’m thinking of myself here) can sometimes get into a pattern of saying “I’m strong. I’ll do it all myself. I can’t trust anyone else.” And it’s actually been hard for me at times to state my needs to my partner and then just let go and let him take care of me. You know? Over the years I’ve gotten better at this, and it’s paid off–but it wasn’t at all easy at the beginning and sometimes it’s still not easy. Because I had to take care of others from a young age–that’s my comfort zone. That’s easy for me. Letting someone take care of me? Yi. Not so much….

          So maybe with a lot of un-progressive language that would ruffle almost any feminist (maybe not her audience?) this is what she’s getting at? Shaking my head…I dunno…


        • Madeline Iva March 4, 2017 at 9:47 am #

          Aside from being child-free or loving one’s career — it’s often just the practical necessity of needing another income…
          WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Kiersten Hallie Krum March 1, 2017 at 8:35 pm #

    *high five*


  4. Kiersten Hallie Krum March 1, 2017 at 8:35 pm #

    *high five*

    Liked by 2 people

  5. elfahearn March 1, 2017 at 5:56 pm #

    Wow, I’d love a peek into Venker’s marriage. Why would she think being a feminist is the equivalent of being a bitch? could it be that her mother taught her that comparison? Gee, I wonder…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Elizabeth Shore March 3, 2017 at 3:50 pm #

      I wonder, too. It seems she’s unaware that being strong or confident does not automatically equate to being a control freak, or doom your marriage or relationship to becoming nothing but a fight for dominance.


    • Madeline Iva March 4, 2017 at 9:37 am #

      Or….society as a whole? There’s a lot of consistent scientific study that concludes women in leadership roles are in a no-win position. Even when they do what men do they’re not perceived as being as popular or as effective…

      Here’s an article about 3 studies showing that men in experiments seemed to fear and feel threatened by female managers…



  6. Madeline Iva March 1, 2017 at 9:46 am #

    I very much like how you distinguish here between the traits of a strong female leader and anyone–regardless of gender–who’s simply being a total asshat. Bravo!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Elizabeth Shore March 3, 2017 at 3:54 pm #

      It would be interesting to know how she’d categorize a man who rolled his eyes at his spouse. Or publically talked over her. Would that make him an alpha male or just a disrespectful jerk?


  7. Kel March 1, 2017 at 1:38 am #

    It never ceases to amaze me how people who are threatened by other people’s strength like to define their opponents with their own failings.

    They assign those traits as strength because they are the actions they take when trying to appear strong. Most wouldn’t actually know a dominant human (in the command presence sense, not the BDSM sense) until they were already sitting down and panting for the next command.

    I’d say it had gotten old already, but so many people seem to have slept through grammar school.

    Liked by 2 people

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