Viking Warrior Princess–Bitches!
by Madeline Iva
What you need to know:
For a long time, many asshats in the archeological world wouldn’t admit this mighty Viking warrior in the grave was not a dude. And that’s despite a lot of people saying “Um, that skeleton looks, um, female?” Because: swords—lots o swords. But until more asshats can disprove it, DNA tests seem to confirm that the warrior was female.
Let me pause a minute to express myself to all those archeologists who weren’t willing to admit hard scientific evidence:
I myself have always wanted to be a Viking warrior princess. I think I’ve got the hair for it, frankly. (You’re looking at my photo – don’t pay attention. I don’t really look like that.)
Scandanavian genes? Check. Not that I think these are necessary for a warrior princess…just if you want to be super Viking-y about it.
Ability to fight with swords? Check. (Technically, it was fencing, but whateves. I could take you, is what I’m saying.)
Do people fear me? Well, no. But they did in high school. I was one of those tall, strapping girls who looked perpetually irritated with the world.
I did say one time about someone who was flirting with my sweetie that if I caught her doing that again I’d rip her tits off. Jokingly. I mean, in my defense, it was only one time. And I didn’t even say it to her directly. She wasn’t even there. It was more an aside to others. Of course for the next few days every time she saw me she crossed her arms protectively over her chest. Jokingly.
But I think the whole Viking warrior princess thing is a state of mind, really.
Viking Warrior Princess state of mind? Check.
An anecdote to illustrate:
Once, a good decade ago or more, I was hanging out with these three guy friends while I was working a summer job. My sweetie was working about an hour away, so for the first time ever we were living apart. That lasted exactly one week then one night sweetie said on the phone, “Hey! Guess who I ran into today?” It was his ex. The next week I got him a job where I was working. However, these three guy friends were rather curious to meet my sweetie. But later on, I asked them why they were so quiet when I introduced them. They said: “We were kinda underwhelmed.” Why? I asked. “He’s just not who we were expecting,” one of them mumbled. Who were you expecting? I asked. “Thor, god of thunder.”
Moving on—let’s discuss the perks of the warrior princess job:
1) Being called a Warrior Princess, obviously. I think this is an epithet that we cannot throw around too much. Let’s use it to replace bitch, slut, bossy pants, etc – all those negative terms we seek to pin on women who get shit done, who take charge, solve problems, and frankly, make the world go round.
We will know we’ve overused the term by the time Forbes says “Like the other 5000 warrior princess CEO’s of top American companies in the corporate world…XXX, who, before becoming president earned more than every other CEO to date, has finally gotten an equal pay amendment passed by congress.” At that point I’m happy to retire the term.
2) Fearless Sex. Viking Warrior Princesses have sex outdoors up against trees—where anybody—including squirrels–can see them. They have sex in pottery studios – a la Ghost but with less clay-goo and more biting. They are fearless about shower sex. I should know this – because I’m a Viking Warrior Princess and I’ve done all these things.
3) Weapons of choice. My weapon of choice these days is no longer a sword (technically a fencing foil). It’s a pick mattock – your garden’s version of a pick axe.
It looks like this:
Scary, no? Mine is dull and needs to be sharpened as I tame this jungle we call our yard. Viking Warrior Princesses do not like dull weapons, btw. (Try hauling that thing over your head ten times fast while chopping out ash trees. It gets your heart rate right up there, lemme tell you.)
4) An excellent side kick. Warrior Princesses are lucky because superior side-kicks come in so many varieties these days. Take this quiz below and see if you know your awesome sidekicks.
Don’t be surprised if I suddenly have a warrior princess series coming your way. Like they say–write what you know.
HEY! We’re also celebrating Elizabeth Sa Fleur’s latest release— check it out if you’re all into strong women like we are: