The Author Witness Protection Program and Other Writerly Secrets


By Elizabeth SaFleur

It’s Throwback Thursday, and we’re putting up popular posts for your enjoyment. Below is a blog post that first appeared on our LadySmut Romance Blog Facebook page. Give the page a “like” if you haven’t done so and never miss our shenanigans.

The Author Witness Protection Program and Other Writerly Secrets

Ever wonder what life is like for your favorite author? Not the stuff you see on Facebook or Twitter. Not the sunshine and roses or even ranty stuff. I mean the Stuff We Never Talk About. Here are secrets that might be just me. But then, again, who knows? For instance….

I have often put my life in danger in the name of research.

First, there is Death By Boredom. I watched three hours of Supreme Court documentary hell. I suffered through this for ONE LINE so it’d be accurate. Even my husband turned to me half way through and asked, “can we be done with this?” This question came from a man who gets a thrill when the new year’s Tax Code comes in the mail. (This two inch book makes him happy. It whispers “deductions.”)

As if that’s not enough I’m going to take a tour of the Supreme Court so I can describe the marble correctly. Honestly, this book cannot be published (The Supreme Spanking, the third Justice series novella) without this trip.

There also is death by Real Crazy Shit. Like I needed to know how it feels to get a fishing hook stuck in your hand for a book I’m writing right now. I asked my husband to do this to me. He refused. I felt unsupported. So, instead I’m YouTubing what it’s like to have a piece of metal pierce your flesh. Hey, marriage is all about compromise.

Since I have BDSM elements in many of my books I have also sampled some Other Wild Things. I can tell you this: Wax play is awesome. Fireplay isn’t so bad. The Violet Wand is evil incarnate. A whole other post could be about the BDSM Stuff I’ve Done. But let’s not let that topic hijack the other parts that are important to note, like ….

Pseudonyms are often critical to an author’s life.

We aren’t trying to keep ourselves from you, dear reader. Oh, no. For some of us, a pen name is like an Author Witness Protection Program (AWPP). It keeps the mortgage-paying clients in our day jobs from throwing our buttinskis on the street. If my uber-conservative clients knew what I wrote? They would have a heart attack. No matter they have s-e-x themselves, but my writing about the horizontal mambo? Heavens to Betsy and Holy Smokes!

For other writers, pen names are a safety thing. We don’t want crazed serial killers and mentally delusional people showing up at our house. I might write about a kidnapped girl falling in love with the guy (who turned out to have no choice and is really good underneath), but that doesn’t mean I want that to happen to me – with them! (Jason Momoa, if you are reading this post, I give you carte blanche to kidnap me. In fact, I’ll be sitting on my front porch in about 5 minutes. I’ll go quietly.)

Book Butt clearly was inevitable.

Or call it Author Ass. It’s all the same poundage on the hippage. I gained 20 pounds in the last two years thanks to  my books Lovely, Untouchable, Perfect and Lucky. That’s 5 pounds per story. It’s like the college Freshman Ten, except back then you didn’t have your current responsibilities and got to go home with the guy manning the keg. The current BB/AA syndrome is so prevalent that the #RomanceFit online group is a thing – like a very real, very necessary thing. I tried to join this online support group’s fun, but I kept forgetting to log in those 5 miles that I never ran. What can I say?

P.S. Don’t yell at me saying I just called a bunch of romance authors fat. I did not. I mean, have you SEEN J.R. Ward? I’m just sayin’ I didn’t realize MY 20 pounds came with publishing. That’s all. Lay down the sword—unless you can carve out those 20 pounds. If so, have at it.

I (sometimes/often/perhaps always) love my characters more than real people.

I love it when plans get cancelled. It means I can stay home and play with my fictional Doms. (Is that bad?) This last summer has been hellish with family invasions of all types – father, stepmother, cousins, children of cousins, stepsons and wives – who have taken me away from my characters! Do you think I’m horrible? No, don’t tell me because…

I care what you think.

MOST of us care what you think. Like really, really care. That’s why we read our reviews and check our rankings – some of us to obsessive levels. Sure, some writers do this more than others. Yet, I cringe a little when an author boasts on social media, “I never read reviews! They are for readers! I don’t need to see them!” Uh, huh. Right. You sneak a peek now and then, don’t you? Admit it. And, you know what’s worse? When we don’t have reviews at all. (Sniff. What’s wrong with my books?? No one loves me!!)

But we love you at Ladysmut, so please keep reading us, commenting, posting and click that like button if you liked being in on these secrets.

Speaking of love, have you checked out Kiersten Hallie Krum’s latest? SEALed with a Twist. In the follow-up to the wildly popular, Library Journal starred review, RONE award finalist, WILD ON THE ROCKS, a fan favorite returns to Barefoot Bay… One click today!

~~~~~

Elizabeth SaFleur is a contemporary erotic romance author and dying-to-retire public relations practitioner who writes, tweets and posts under a pseudonym since her business clients might be (WOULD be) shocked at her second career choice. Her books, the Elite Doms of Washington and Justice series, were inspired by her thirty-year career serving D.C. clients where she learned not all power in our nation’s capital is wielded by politicians. There’s way more interesting things happening there than politics.

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5 Comments

  • TammyJo Eckhart
    September 29, 2017 at 3:52 pm

    Jason Momoa could kneel outside my door and I’d definitely ask him to crawl inside.

    • Elizabeth SaFleur
      September 29, 2017 at 3:55 pm

      He’s to die for, isn’t he?

      • admin
        September 29, 2017 at 8:57 pm

        TO DIE!!!!

    • admin
      September 29, 2017 at 8:57 pm

      Hee-hee-hee!

      • Elizabeth SaFleur
        September 29, 2017 at 10:39 pm

        I think we need to do an “ode to Jason Momoa” on this blog. 😉

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