The Ghost of Hot Relationships That Never Were
by Madeline Iva
Watching a scene in a movie, or an episode of a TV show I’m like that kid from the Sixth Sense–but instead of dead poeple I see whole story lines that aren’t actually there. It haunts me day in and day out. Don’t get me wrong. We’re lucky to have so many interesting stories out on TV and in movies. I’m enjoying them; I’m reveling in them. Yet I also see a lot of hot-boinking-that-should-be-there-but-isn’t. To you they’re invisible–but they haunt me. Is this a blessing? Or is it a curse? <Cue the spooky music.>
There are just so many good shows in which the hotness factor between characters should be invoked. Let’s seance with this sad spectre–the Ghost of Hot Relationships That Never Were as it wanders down the corridors of Untold Passion & Secret Scandalous Hook Ups.
MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE SPOILERS!!!!!!! YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!!!!!
Michael B. Jordan played Erik Killmonger in Black Panther. Out of all the villains in Marvel Universe why did they kill off this one? Whyyyyyyyy? WHAT ON EARTH WERE THEY THINKING? Don’t they see the Loki potential here? With his ripped body, damned attractive face, and awwwwww story of heartbreak and loss as a young boy–it’s killing me. (Pun intended.)
Eric Killmonger is that Loki-ish anti-hero we lurv, no matter how many times he’s got “Kill Whitey” tattooed all over his body. (He doesn’t really. Just kidding. But you get the idea.) His character would draw everyone back movie after movie, sequel after sequel. Someone go to the bottom of that waterfall and fish him out. Revive and rehabilitate that bad boy STAT!
While Hollywood is at it, I think you’ll agree hands down that Erik needs to get together with Okoye, AKA Danai Gurira AKA Michonne from Walking Dead. Erik is hotness on a stick. Okoye is the woman all humans bow down to. I mean–did you see the movie? Yeah? Then you get it. The movie would have been more realistic to me if Okoye had straightened Erik’s sh*t out in about ten minutes.
Okoye needs to become Queen of Wakanda too, btw. Ramonda, played by Angela Bassett may be worthy of ruling as well, and I didn’t have any problems with our super-hero, Black Panther. He was cute–incredibly cute. He has a real “goodness to the core” super-hero vibe. It’s just that clearly he needs to be out and about in the world. His job is international. But back home in Wakanda, Okoye is queen material. She’s the f**king bad ass leader of all leaders. Just calling it like it is, people. As for Ramonda–well, see below.
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: AKA Heather-Heather-Heather AKA Vella Lovell
I mean, I really like CRAZY EX-GIRLFRIEND overall. Rebecca Bunch obsessively crushes out on a former flame named Josh, and goes to cray-cray stalker extremes often urged onward by our twisted societal values about a women’s worth. But Heather, Rebecca’s neighbor-then-roommate is her polar opposite. Tall, goy, hot and slacker-ish, Heather is instantly compelling to watch. With her vocal fry, colored hair extensions, and community college scholar wisdom she is the one I obsess over in this show. Yes, I have a massive girl crush on Heather — and the actress who plays her recently expanded her career to movies. She was probably the best thing in THE BIG SICK. (And the writers of the BIG SICK should make a follow up about her character story. Can you say another Smart Indian Girl Rom-Com? Squeeeeee! Hasn’t anyone in Hollywood watched Bend It Like Beckam?)
Anyway Heather and Hector are now together in Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Hector always was cute, if a bit oedipal, but he doesn’t get much face time on the show. We all know the two of them hooking up is really just an excuse to give us more Heather.
Though White Josh and Josh in the stripper scene were giving Nathaniel a run for his money, Nathaniel’s character is pretty appealing. The more he was into Rebekah, the more I was into him. But clearly, he and Heather should be together. They both are seemingly shallow but really good people with unexpected depths. They are both extremely sane despite recognizing their perverse impulses. They are both vulnerable to romantic situations in which they’re being used. I’m asking nicely— could they PLEAAAAAASE get together? Pretty please? And I mean really get together in a complicated, sweaty, guilty, dirty way — the way that Rebecca tends to get together with men on the show?
If they can’t, I will totally accept Father Brah, played by Rene Gube as a Heather-Love-Interest substitute. That guy is totally under-utilized in terms of hotness. Wasted actually.
BTW — did you expect Crazy-Ex to really go there with serious mental health issues? I didn’t. I’m pretty impressed. And making Rebecca the poster girl for BPD — whoa. That mental disorder does not get a lot of sympathetic play. So thumb’s up Crazy-Ex Girlfriend for going there, staying there, and then doing a song and dance number there.
The Good Place — This show is not for everyone, but I get off on weighing utilitarian counterfactuals against Kantian ethical theory. The show is about someone mistakenly sent to heaven. My version of heaven is Jianyu played by Manny Jacinto. Manny is divine. Manny and Kristen Bell would be too cute together as a couple. Manny and Tiya Sircar would be too cute too. I mean, can Jianyu just have his own spin off show next year? Something where yes, we see his cuteness factor, but also the other hot never-see-him-coming facets as well?
Meanwhile, I very much appreciate Elinor’s girl crush Tahani played by Jameela Jamil. Tahani with her Amazonian posh presence gains a wonderful edge from Elinor’s girl-lust-crush. If the creators of the show wanted to take relationships in that direction, I, as a fan, would happily follow. Just sayin’.
Before I sign off though, let’s talk steam heat in terms of romance with age difference —
First of all, I would like to advocate for Angela Basset’s character Ramonda having a thing with M’Baku when she gets dropped off at M’Baku’s land. M’Baku is played by Winston Duke, a 6′ 4″ drink of beef water. He’s a wee bit Alpha for my taste — but even so…even so. His character has an unexpected sense of humor that slays.
And I don’t care who you are, if Ramonda gets dropped off in your kingdom and you’re made to promise to protect her and make sure she’s “taken care of” –I mean, seriously, how could your mind not go there? It’s Angela Bassett, people. It doesn’t matter how old she gets. I think I spent the next fifteen minutes of the movie not hearing or seeing anything on the screen. Instead I was still back at the toothy gorilla lair with M’Baku and Ramonda imagining how their forbidden sexual tryst would come about. These moments are so obvious to me–am I the only one? Is anyone else seeing the possibilities here?
Back at The Good Place I also noticed that Tahani has fabulous chemistry with Michael, played by Ted Danson. Yes, he’s like in his seventies or something, but still–they’re both dapper dressers. In fact, they are too attractively tall together not to have hot sex/romance. Maybe they seem to connect because they’re the only two tall enough to look each other in the eye. Maybe it’s something more. But I think they should work it. Torture Tahani with the tantalizing promise of a ‘daddy’ relationship figure that goes to a naughty places. Let us live a little.
The Upshot: Hollywood is having outstanding success with greater casting diversity. At last. Finally! Bravo. (The horror that’s going on behind the screens –that’s another blog post). Let’s all urge them to keep heading further in this direction. Despite hot (and I mean that in more ways than one) new talent, the boink factor is suffering.
There’s chemistry going on here, people! My mind is a-buzz with all the variations and combinations to explore — I want jealousy and lust. I want tenderness and taut sexual tension. I also want some light kinky elements–is this too much to ask? I don’t think it is.
What relationships do you wish you were seeing in movies/tv shows that you love? Please sound off below.
Madeline Iva enjoys penning stories about reclusive guys with dark secrets in mouldering castles. If you like your gothic gloom with a perverse twist join her cult following newsletter.