According to my feed’s Facebook ads I need a vacation in St. Lucia, some Tiffany jewelry and a better bra. #Truth
I’d give up the jewelry for a better bra. To give up St. Lucia, I want a perfect bra.
I tried the bras from Third Love, the company that kept showing up in my feed. It promised me the best bra on the planet. It was to change my life. It was good, but still the most comfortable bra I own is the one tucked in the third drawer in my dresser. That is, it’s not anywhere near my body.
For 44 cents we can get a letter from Los Angeles to New York City in about 5 days.
In under 2 hours we can fly a human being from Washington, D.C. to Chicago.
In one day, you and your dog can have matching Halloween costumes delivered to your front door from Amazon.
What we can’t do? Get a bra that feels good.
This is what I want. I want someone to invent a store … Wait, scratch that. I want someone to come to my house. This person would be female. A bra engineer. She will have spent her life designing and building a bra you could sleep in and not realize you are strapped into …. something. You’ll have to be reminded you were wearing a bra at all when she gets done with you.
Because how hard can it be to measure around the chest part where you want the bra to sit (not where it often ends up)? How hard could it be to take that measurement to develop the band? Apparently, hard.
In my perfect world, someone will have invented a machine that has a cup thingee that molds to your breast. It will create a precise model of your two boobies and all their mismatched glory. The fabric for that part will be perfectly sewn to that mold. Wait, not sewn. No itchy seams!! We want one piece for that part. Also, Miss Genius Bra Engineer will have figured out the cups do not require the death hold of metal or hard plastic (i.e. the devils incarnate in push up bras) to keep the girls pointing up and out. The cups will be molded so perfectly, they pull up and out exactly to the degree you wish. (That was another measurement she took.)
Then the straps will be measured precisely by your specifications. The strap will be attached to the front where you want and be attached in the back in the precise location that is most comfortable for your back. Or, wait, wait … You will end up with several bras with a series of different “ending and starting points” so all those cute top that cut into your shoulders won’t show bra straps. Even better? The straps will be invisible. Oh! And, the straps will be precisely measured for your boob to shoulder ratio, and they won’t stretch out! Like ever. No more stupid clip things that you slide up and down. Who invented THAT? As if you can even reach them.
As for the material? You’ll hold up a variety of options to your naked boobies to see how they felt. You’ll pick one that feels like air. The material is indestructible. It can go in the washer and dryer for a hundred years and come out the same every time. I mean, they’ll find this thing in your grave after your body has disintegrated to dust. Women will put their bras in their wills to be handed down generation to generation, except no one else could ever fit into it because it’ll never fit as well as the one they got from Ms. Bra Engineer. They’ll have gotten their own when the mother-daughter excursion for the Perfect Bra happened on their 15th birthday. It would be another rite of passage for the Mothers and Aunts of the world to take their daughters and nieces to their first meeting with the Perfect Bra Engineer. Even better, there will be whole parties dedicated to this “coming of age” moment when women are introduced to the perfect bra so they would never again settle for the heinous, terrible, awful, devil-incarnate bras suffered by their foremothers.
You’ll own maybe 3 of these, as the microbial thing-a-ma-bobs would make them repel germs and smell and you could wear them more than once and even then who cares because these suckers can go through a million washings and dryings and still appear brand new.
Yeah, that’s what I want. Too much? (See getting a human being from DC to Chicago in under 2 hours.)
Elizabeth SaFleur writes contemporary romance that dares to “go there.” Expect alpha males (and females), seductive encounters, and love. Learn more about her steamy and sexy stories by following her on Amazon and Bookbub.