Tag Archives: Carter Oosterhouse

He’s Handy! Carpenters & Their Big Sexy Tools

20 May
You see two scruffy dudes.  I see guys who know what to do with a drill.

You see two scruffy dudes. I see guys who know what to do with a drill.

I love my husband and so do other women.  Even our lesbian neighbors across the street light up when his name is invoked.  Is it his height, his his flowing locks, his worldly sophistication? No, for he has none of these.  His wit, intelligence, charm and his abilities as an excellent provider? No–Instead they marvel over our new raised bed or custom build closet shelves.  “He’s handy!” they gush.

Face it, everybody loves a carpenter guy.

Clean Sweep Guy--a genius with plywood.

Clean Sweep Guy–a genius with plywood.

It’s true.  I live with a guy who knows what to do with a drill.  Mentally I give thanks whenever DH aims himself at a problem, tools in hand and says, “don’t worry about it.” This is the man for whom–as Jimmy Carter would say–“I have lust in my heart.”

Was it back when Clean Sweep started that our cultural reverence for the handyman carpenter dude started? I sat through an entire commercial break for Cupcake Wars trying to remember.

Then the commercial for Carter Oosterhouse came on.  Built like a hot hockey player, Carter can fix things just by smiling at them.   The Clean Sweep guy was a genius with a two by four, some plywood and paint, but Carter can make a project perfect just by taking his shirt off and thinking wholesome thoughts.

The Cupcake Wars dudes aren’t bad either.  Twins in plaid, they make your fantasy cupcake display dreams come true.

Cable guy--man of our dreams.  Not!

Cable guy–man of our dreams. Not!

We don’t seem to have the same kind of reverence for other kinds of delivery men.  I don’t know what it was about milk men of yore that had women so hot and bothered, but he has not been replaced by the mail man, the cable guy, or the dude who comes and mows the lawn.  (At our house that happens to be DH too.  While the women on our street never chased after him while he mowed the lawn, once time our neighbor’s overly affectionate pet turkey did.)

So what’s extra special about carpenters?  I’m not sure, but when my husband was a carpenter for a while, I learned a few things about them.

A) Measure Twice, Cut Once.  It turns out that there’s a lot of precision that goes into carpentry.  The devil’s in the details, DH likes to say.  I lick my lips thinking over these words and imagine running my hands over his taut abs under that tool belt.  Perhaps it’s the display of absolute competence that thrills ladies to the core.

Carter the carpenter.

Carter the carpenter.

B) Carpenters Are All Over Educated.  My husband after going to grad school worked for as a finish carpenter.  No one working for the contractor had less than a master’s degree and a few had Ph.D’s.  Even the painter had an advanced degree.  Carpentry is one of the few manual labor jobs in America that tends to garner as much respect as being a ‘professional.’  Why? See ‘A’ above.

C) Carpenters Are Conscientious and Patient.  It’s the nature of the beast in their job.  They have to keep track of everything–there is are all kinds of little things that have to be done at the right time and in the right order for projects to work out right.  Meanwhile, most people have a hard time visualizing changes to a space in advance.  Then there’s trying to imagine what the trim and knobs will look like when the cupboards are complete, and the floor is in. You think people can visualize this in advance and pick out exactly what they want? Fuhgettaboutit.  So Carpenters are used to people changing their minds. They are patient and understanding, remain

Oosterhouse--pant. pant.

Oosterhouse–pant. pant.

flexible and are willing to do something over from scratch.  (Of course they put the hurt on you for all this when you get the bill, but that’s a different story.)

Ultimately, the fantasy about having your own carpenter guy is the dream of having control over your home, and not letting strangers come in, rip it apart, and leave it that way for as long as they like.  I’m living that fantasy people, and I (mentally) fall to my knees thanking the good lord every day for it.

On Cupcake Wars some finalist will ask one of the carpenter guys to build her  a twelve foot high replica of Mt.Rushmore from recycled materials with the words “All We Want Is Peace” spelled out in fairy lights and native plants across the bottom of the rotating display.  In an hour.  The carpenter dude usually takes a second to give her a kind of “really?” look and then he says ‘okay’ and makes it happen.

Love you, handy man.

Love you, handy man.

That is the number one reason why we love carpenter guys.

Talk Like A Hot Girl…While Talking About Hockey

7 Jan

There are a lotta, lotta hot guys who play national hockey.  Here’s one.

Patrick Sharp

Patrick Sharp of the Chicago Blackhawks. Yum!

Here’s another.

Carter Oosterhouse.  Family man.  H-a-w-t.

Carter Oosterhouse. Family man. H-a-w-t.

On the ice, a goalie is a human padded up to look like a wall.  Not so glamorous.  Then he lifts up his helmet and—oh my!

Mike McKenna, a goalie.  6'3" of gorgeousness.

Mike McKenna, a goalie. 6’3″ of gorgeousness.

Ryan Kesler.  What position does he play? What do I care?

Ryan Kesler. What position does he play? What do I care?

I have a little story about hockey guys.  They are intense.  I went to a college hockey game once with a bunch of other girls and sat in the bleachers.  None of us went to this particular college, so we didn’t know anyone in the stands or on the team.  But there was this guy playing on the team—I coulda sworn that he was staring at me through the glass as he passed by.  But how could that be? He was playing the game—a busy, violent, frantic game.  He was slamming into tall sides of beef, and he was going to get slammed to kingdom come himself if he wasn’t paying attention.

Then at one point, they took a break, helmets went up, and he skidded to a stop right in front of the glass. In front of my spot on the bleachers where I was looking like a deer in the headlights. I don’t think I’ve ever received such a pointed stare from a guy in my life.  His hair came down past his ears, he was sweaty and tired, and that stare was not hiding anything.  It was hot, it was intense.  Suddenly I didn’t feel chilly in the ice rink.

I’m just saying.

Meanwhile, say you want to watch a little hockey in a sports bar. Say that while you’re doing this some brooding hot intense guy happens to sit next to you and he likes hockey.  Say you want to talk with him about it.  Okay, here are some quick pointers.  Women don’t have to actually know much when it comes to scoring points with guys for liking sports.  They just have to avoid making asses of themselves.

images-2

My stick curves to the right, cause that’s the way I like it.

To sleep with the guy: Hockey involves hitting the puck with a hockey stick into the goal.  It’s pretty simple.  Some guy hits the puck real hard and it goes straight to the goal—that’s called a ‘slap shot’.   Got that? Puck, goal, slap shot. Really, it’s much easier to talk about than football.

Hot Girl Line: Hey, that number 7 has a mean slap shot.

The hockey stick can curve to the left or the right.  It all depends on the player’s preference.

Hot Girl Line: So you play hockey? Which way does your stick curve?

But what if you’re interested in more than Mr. Brooding Hottie’s best slap shot at the end of the night? What if  you want to actually get to know the man? Here are some key pointers in talking hockey that will get you into a deeper conversational mode.

Positions

I can think of more interesting positions.

First the positions:

They’re is not so important, actually.  What’s important is that you won’t understand hockey until you understand that there is one key position missing from this official chart.

That is the position of The Enforcer.

You’ll notice the enforcer when you watch hockey.  He’s the guy who comes out and is doing this:

Fight

It’s not so easy fighting on skates, but we manage.

Which, admittedly is pretty messed up.  But that’s why hockey is SUCH a bad boy’s game.  Wikipedia (which is a much better source than it used to be, btw) explains The Enforcer role this way:

Patrick angry.

Patrick angry.

Enforcer is an unofficial role in ice hockey. The term is sometimes used synonymously with “fighter“, “tough guy“, or “goon“. An enforcer’s job is to deter and respond to dirty or violent play by the opposition. When such play occurs, the enforcer is expected to respond aggressively, by fighting or checking the offender. Enforcers are expected to react particularly harshly to violence against star players or goalies.

Enforcers are different from pests, players who seek to agitate opponents and distract them from the game, without necessarily fighting them. The pest’s primary role is to draw penalties from opposing players, thus “getting them off their game”, while not actually intending to fight the opposition player (although exceptions to this do occur). Pests and enforcers often play together on the same line, usually the fourth line.

Got it? The Enforcer is a sorta glamorous position on the team, but in a f***ed up way.  The Pest is not glamorous. Do not mistake a pest for an enforcer.

Mistaking the pest for the enforcer does not make you sound hot.

Mistaking the pest for the enforcer does not make you sound hot.

Hot Girl Line (while watching man emerge onto ice and head straight for another guy, and then bloody him): Is he the enforcer?

Not Hot Girl Line (while watching a pest provoke players): What a crappy enforcer.

Meanwhile, you know how some sports have strings?  Like there’s the A string, the B string and then the bench warmers? In hockey they have lines, not strings, but it’s kind of the same thing.

Not Hot Girl Line: Which line does the enforcer play?

This does not sound hot because if you read closely above, you’d remember that The Enforcer almost always plays the fourth line.

Types of line

  • The first line is usually composed of the best offensive players on the team. Teams heavily rely on this line, which generates the bulk of the team’s scoring. These players often see the highest number of minutes among forwards in a game.
  • The second line is generally composed of second-tier offensive players, and helps by adding supplementary offense to that generated by the first line while contributing more two-way play than the offensively-focused scoring line. Higher end (typically first line) players may be put on the second line to spread scoring across the lineup, making a team more difficult for opponents to defend against. This frequently happens when a team has two high-end players who play the same position.
  • The third line is often called the checking line, and is generally made up of more defensively oriented forwards and grinders. This line is often played against an opponent’s first or second lines in an effort to reduce their scoring, and physically wear them down. The third line adds less offense than the first or second lines, but generally more than the fourth.
  • The fourth line is often called the “energy line,” both because their shifts give other players a chance to rest, and because their physically oriented play is said to give their teammates an emotional boost. It is usually composed of journeymen with limited scoring potential, but strong physical play and, as often as possible, strong skating abilities. With the smallest amount of ice time, they tend to play in short bursts rather than pace themselves. Pests and enforcers usually play the fourth line.
  • The penalty kill line is a specialized line of four or three players employed when a team is shorthanded due to a penalty. As the name describes, this is a primarily defensive line meant to prevent the opposing team from scoring during their power play.

So that’s enough info to get you and Mr. Brooding Hotness into a great convo. Now go buy yourself an oversized hockey jersey (because girls look really cute in them) and get out there to a sports bar.  Have a deep conversation about your conflicted feelings regarding enforcers–What it would mean to the game if they were no longer necessary?

I want you so bad...

I want you so bad…

No homophobia on our team.

No homophobia on our team.

Meanwhile, yes, hockey is about fights, but it can also be about acceptance.  The Toronto Marlies had their whole team sign a pledge to end homophobia in ice hockey. (Sniff!)

Looking to stay home in your oversized hockey jersey instead? Maybe you’re up for some great romance reads that feature hockey?  Look no further. Amazon has a great list of hockey romances here.

Enjoy!

xx Madeline

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