Tag Archives: Casual sex

As Young As We Feel? Considering the Younger Man

11 Apr

Don’t laugh. One person’s pacifier is another person’s sex toy.

By Alexa Day

I’ve never been one to do things just because other people are doing them. I’m content to let everyone else jump off the bridge our mothers told us so much about.

But now Cindy Gallop has me thinking about dating younger men.

I often struggle to explain who Cindy Gallop is and why her opinion matters so much to me. My knee-jerk response is usually, “Cindy Gallop is life! Cindy Gallop is a hero!” You all are probably looking for more than that, though, so let’s get you some facts.

Cindy developed Make Love, Not Porn, a video-sharing platform through which participants can upload videos of themselves having real-world sex with their partners, and stream videos posted by others. Her search for investors demonstrated that people are generally uncomfortable with openly supporting sex-positive businesses. But years of success in a male-dominated field (advertising), along with an understanding of how women do business (we “share the shit out of” the things we like), have made her quite an influencer in the realms of sex, gender, and business. Cindy once said she was the first person to include the phrase “come on my face” during a TED talk. In fact, I wrote about her at the 2014 Romance Festival, where she rocked my world.

Cindy has dated younger men for years. It’s part of the reason she came up with MLNP. Her younger partners learned everything they knew about sex from porn, to everyone’s detriment. MLNP, which bills itself as “pro-sex, pro-porn, and pro-knowing the difference,” offered viewers a more realistic set of videos to learn from. Or just to enjoy. You know, the days are getting longer as the seasons change.

When I first heard the MLNP origin story, I remember shaking my head and thinking that’s what comes of dating younger dudes. Now I’m not so sure. Now I’m starting to think it might be a good idea.

And it’s not just because I’m getting a little older myself.

I tend to be more about the older guys. They’re more established. Their self-confidence comes from life experience. They know who they are and what they want.

But Cindy says much of this is also true of younger guys … and they’re really good in bed.

This January, in New York Magazine, Cindy wrote “Why Sleeping with Younger Men Is Best — No Matter How Old You Are.” In the article, she said her primary criterion for choosing a new man was a simple one. He had to be nice. Everything else followed from that. No need to worry about what he thinks of your body — he’s a good guy. Your emotions are safe with him. When you make sure you only date the nice ones, she says, you’re only spending time with the men you respect and admire. “You meet younger men who appreciate everything about older women,” she says.

That makes sense. As much as I want to tell myself that they only have to be nice if we’re going to talk afterwards, I can see how having a nice partner, how making that a priority, would reduce unnecessary stress and make for a more pleasant experience. Even if this isn’t going to lead to a relationship, having a good person as a partner just makes things easier and, according to Cindy, sexier.

About the sex. According to Cindy, the sex itself is the icing on the cake — stamina, confidence, and short recovery periods — but icing is important, even when the cake is pretty damn good. Now, the older guys are pretty spectacular in their own way. Far fewer of them, I would wager, are still looking to porn for technique. Years of experience have made them creative. They already know what they do well. Still. Maybe there’s something to be said for a little more physical prowess and dare I say, a touch of innocence?

While a lot of women might avoid revealing their bodies to a younger lover, for fear of what that hardbodied fellow might think, Cindy doesn’t have that problem. Of course, it helps that Cindy has boatloads of self-confidence. She’s not all that concerned about what any man might think of her body — she thinks she looks fantastic. Besides, she’s not going for those superficial souls who might have something to say, since her rule is “nice guys only.” She’s also not trying to get married. Wedlock and children have never been part of her master plan. Her chain of younger lovers, in short-term and long-term relationships, is the romantic solution that works for her. She doesn’t have to worry about any one man’s opinion for any longer than she wants.

Cindy says society tends to approve more of older men with younger women. I wonder, if that’s true, why the general public has so much to say about older women with younger partners. Is it the old discomfort with women being single at a certain age? Is it the sense that an older woman is more in control of her life, and by extension, her relationship? Is it our prudish society rebelling against a grown woman’s choice to have a younger sex partner, with all the superficial frills and thrills?

Damn, is it just jealousy?

One thing is for sure: the disapproval of prudes and nosy people isn’t going to stop Cindy Gallop. It never has.

Maybe that’s why I’m considering taking a page out of her book.

Follow Lady Smut … all the way to Atlanta! Join LadySmut bloggers at the RT Booklovers Convention May 3-7, especially at our super special reader event – Never Have You Ever, Ever, Ever. Win crowns, fetish toys, books and more. Goodybags to first 100 people in line! Wednesday, May 3 at 1:30 p.m. Link: https://www.rtconvention.com/event/never-have-you-ever-ever-ever

The White Zone Is For Picking Up Passengers: Hot Airport Sex

12 Jul

I’m on a cross-country trip today, so I’ll have to spend some time in one of my favorite places. While I finish packing, join me in a flashback? I’ll catch up with you all next week.

By Alexa Day

I hate flying. Airfare’s out of control. That position you have to assume in the scanner machine – I don’t know, isn’t that exactly the posture of those people in horror movies who are about to be crushed by something huge? The whole experience has driven me to road trips. I only fly when I absolutely have to.

So when I had to fly for the Christmas holiday, I remembered the very best thing about air travel: the airport itself. Leaving the hell of TSA screening behind and heading off toward the concourses is like that scene in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy opens the door of her home post-tornado and discovers that the world is made of Technicolor. The airport has a magic all its own.

First, I make it a point to hit the airport bar. You know the song, “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere”? Well, the airport bar is “somewhere.”

After I’ve had my welcome-to-vacation beer (or beers), it’s time to settle in for some nice man-watching along the concourse. I’m not sure what makes the airport a haven for hot guys. Maybe I’m just being exposed to a wider cross-section of men on the concourse, and I’m seeing not only the most attractive men who are coming back home but hotties from out of town, as well as fine gentlemen making connections. Maybe I’m just relaxed after the TSA nightmare, and my rose-colored glasses just make everyone look hot. Maybe it’s the high concentration of uniforms – both flight crew and military are abundant in the good ol’ airport. Whatever the cause, my last few trips to the airport have turned up a lot of … inspiration … for this erotic romance writer.

While I was hanging out at the Hartsfield-Jackson Airport in Atlanta, contemplating The Men of D Concourse and sharing my observations with the Twitterverse, I found myself in this rather interesting situation.

Because I’m one of those who can’t just leave work at the office, I let my imagination explore the practical possibilities of this. Not for me, of course. For a fortuitous heroine with the guts to do more than stare slyly at Saddle Shoes and the well-heeled Gosling clone. Sparks are sure to fly in the potent mixture of anonymity and stranger danger that fuels modern American air travel. On the one hand, we have all bonded in some way through the shared TSA experience. On the other hand, since we probably won’t see each other again after this interlude on the D Concourse, we needn’t ruin these special moment with names. Add the time pressure that dominates air travel, and voila! Instant sexual tension.

But what would a lucky woman do if things started to go very well for herself and Saddle Shoes and the Gosling clone? What if things started to go well enough to include the tall hot blond?

Well, let’s be honest. There’s plenty that new friends can do right there on the D Concourse. Sure, people are all over the place, but they’re preoccupied with other things. They’re moving briskly along, trying to get to their gates or the train or whatever. They might not even notice three or four people becoming better acquainted as long as they all keep their clothes on.

Those not inclined toward exhibitionism have a couple of other options. There’s the airport lounge – you know, the ones coach flyers like me only hear about – with the deep comfortable chairs and a luxuriant shower. I imagine it’s quiet enough in the Admirals’ Club to enjoy a hushed game of I Never and some nice dirty talk.

Long layover? No trouble.

Long layover? No trouble.

There’s something to be said for real privacy, though. For that, you’d need a sleep pod.

The sleep pod is a relatively recent travel innovation. Although air travelers have been sleeping at the airport for years (I myself have spent many hours asleep on my duffel bag), the sleep pod is specifically designed for that purpose. Some of them look like the cryopods in Alien. Some of them look like the boxes you get action figures in. But Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson Airport has five little mini-suites on the B Concourse. They look like tiny hotel rooms. They’re not huge, but I think they’d offer three – or four – people more than enough space to really get to know each other.

I didn’t know about the Minute Suites on my Christmas trip. Even if I had, they were two concourses away. Kind of a long trip for a short layover.

But now I know there are sleep pods on B Concourse, hot guys on the D Concourse … and The Varsity on the C Concourse. I might be ready to move in to the Atlanta airport. I wonder what the TSA will have to say about that?

Coffee, tea, or Lady Smut? Why not all three? Follow us. It’s still the safest way to travel.

Full body coverage, slick and dirty: Wet & Messy Fetish 101

13 Nov


We’ve been talking dirty this week on Lady Smut. Dirty dates, dirty guys, and dirty ideas. Here’s a different kind of dirt.

WAM, wet and messy fetish, is exactly what it sounds like. A person becomes sexually aroused by seeing a slick mess-covered person or being messed with a streaming liquidy substance. Dirt, oil, paint, shaving foam, whipped cream, slime, ketchup…if its slick and has the potential to coat and make a mess, it’s good for WAM.

People with this interest refer to themselves as messey fun folk, sploshers, and wammers, and may prefer to have the mess applied to themself or prefer watching it be applied to others.  Those who prefer to get messy themselves enjoy the feeling of the substance on their skin, the overpowering scent of it as it coats them or the sensation it creates when interacting with others. Or, it may simply be the idea of being “a mess” that turns them on. For others, its not getting dirty themselves, its seeing the mess on others that does it.

In either case, the substance may be applied to bare skin or inside or over clothing. In the case of being applied under or over clothing, while white is a popular color, anything goes–bathing suits, formal wear, uniforms, wedding dresses, full PVC or leathers. The individual may have a specific clothing preference or maybe not.

What’s hot about girls getting hit in the face with pies or guys being covered with green slime? As this fetish is one of the less common, and seemingly less controversial than others such as bondage or pony play, there is not much research on why some individuals are turned on by WAM fun.

One possibility is that individuals with low tactile sensitivity benefit from the extreme and unusual sensations. The theory is that an early experience became a formative one. For example, playing in the mud as a child enabled the person to feel more fully and more completely than was typical and so the mud becomes a cue for a positive physical sensation. This theory, the early imprinting of relating sexual satisfaction with a childhood experience is often linked to the WAM-related “wet-look” fetish in a way that does not include low tactile sensitivity. So it makes sense that perhaps the WAM interest starts that simply. A guy wrestles with a girl in the mud, goofing around as a kid, and likes it in ways he doesn’t expect. Years later, he’s wanting that mud again.

Another possibility is that this fetish is linked to erotic humiliation. In WAM, however, the humiliation is much more light-hearted than in traditional humiliation fetish acts, such as name-calling or being treated like an animal. In this way, it is possible that there are links to from WAM to Dominance/submission interests.

Lastly, there is the obvious, that being bad, in this case by making a mess of oneself or others, is a source of rebellion and is therefore freeing and ultimately fun.

Fun appears to be one of the key components of this fetish. When compared to other fetishes this one may seem downright silly. Pies in the face, ice cream melting across thighs, hair coated with mud. The slapstick aspect of this interest is very serious.

swinger 2Wondering if you’ve even seen WAM in action? Remember the scene in Tommy when Ann-Margret gets sploshed by bubbles and baked beans then rolls in some mud? Or how about that time in The Swinger when she was coated with paint then rolled around on the floor? (The scene from The Swinger, by the way, has some of those humiliation and D/s touches mentioned above.)

Prefer something less, artsy, more slapstick?  Try Taryn Maria Plays in the Mud or Messy Fun.

We can’t get dirty enough here at Lady Smut. Good news, you don’t have to leave your house to get dirty–if you haven’t already gotten your copy of our very own Rachel Kramer Bussel’s Dirty Dates. What happens when date night involves a blindfold, a corset, handcuffs, or a spanking? Hit this link to get your copy of Dirty Dates and find out. Then settle in for a hot, messy weekend.

Click to Buy

Click to Buy

Easy Come, Easy Go: Are We Good With One-Night Stands?

2 Aug
Let's see you make that early meeting, now, What's-Your-Face.

Let’s see you make that early meeting now, What’s-Your-Face.

By Alexa Day

The one-night stand has gotten a bad rap. I don’t understand why. But we need look no farther than the most recent Bachelorette, Kaitlyn Bristowe, to see that the General Public has some sort of issue with eligible single women closing the deal outside the confines of a relationship. (And why do relationships have confines? What is that about?)

What’s the problem with the short-term non-committed sexual encounter? Hell if I know.

Some people are worried about Stranger Danger, which is certainly understandable. The world is full of people who are perfectly content to spend a long weekend evening cutting other people into convenient, bite-size pieces. I get that. Let’s be straight with each other, though. The wild majority of those people aren’t that interested in spending money and time on women they want to dissect later. And aren’t we discerning enough to use our intuitive senses on that guy sitting next to us at the bar? How often do we slide away when things seem a little off?

Besides, the everyday world is just a dangerous place. If you don’t think you’re in harm’s way just going to the mailbox, you’re not being totally honest with yourself. The solution, to my mind, is just to be careful. All the time.

While we’re being honest, though, I think we need to accept that safety is not the real reason that the General Public objects to the One Night Wonder. I think society has developed some sort of moral issue with one-night stands, especially if they look like the woman’s idea.

But why is that? In a world that’s getting ever more vocal about the Feminist Flavor of the Week, what is the hangup about women choosing non-committed sex partners?

Thankfully, we live in a world where a woman can forestall marriage indefinitely. We can even dodge marriage altogether if we want. We can settle down with a rotation of partners, or two partners at once, or no partners at all. Is it right to consign the uncoupled to a future where they can have relationship sex or nothing?

Recently, I had the opportunity to include a one-night stand in a short story; “Three, After Midnight” will appear in a Halloween anthology along with a story by our Friday guest, Leah St. James. My story’s heroine is a widow who’s picked up a guy at a dive bar to help her get through an emotionally trying time, the anniversary of her husband’s death. I hope to turn a couple of one-night stand fears on their head (let’s just say that she’s the dangerous one here), and of course, I had some fun playing with erotic romance’s cuddly issues of consent and control. But in the end, I think everyone gets what they want in just one night … including the chance to think about one more night.

Spontaneity has its advantages, right?

Follow Lady Smut. We’ll have a good time!

Waiting For It: Are Erotic Romances Rushing to Sex?

25 Jan
Hold on, buddy. Can we not wait another few pages?

Hold on, buddy. Can we not wait another few pages?

By Alexa Day

Last week, I got to hang out with a colleague of mine for burgers and beer. After the Pro Bowl ended and before we started talking about whether Tom Brady’s balls were indeed perfect, we chatted for a moment about our writing.

Okay. Mostly, she indulged me as I complained about one of my pet peeves: erotic romances where the hero and heroine have sex too soon. Way too soon. Like within the first 15 pages. This is not the awkward near-miss that might have been sex or mere sexual thoughts or something like that. This is the hero and heroine having sex before I’ve really gotten comfortable with them.

It’s not so much that I object to sex between strangers in my romances. I’m a firm believer in the “slutcelebratory” romance, after all. I guess my issue with sex so soon is that I don’t know the hero and heroine yet. I don’t care enough about them to be invested in the sex. They just seem like two lucky people who fell into bed, and how nice for them, and I wonder what’s on TV right now.

My colleague and I wondered if sex so soon was just part of the genre and its tendency to test romance’s boundaries. I wasn’t so sure, but the thought bothered me a little. Erotic romance leans pretty heavily on both the frequency and intensity of sexual encounters, but how much emotion could anyone muster up within the first few pages? How much anticipation? How much tension? Where can these two people go from here? Is it possible to accomplish more than titillation that early?

Is titillation so awful?

I think Debbie Ford wrote in The Dark Side of the Light Chasers that the stuff that irritates us the most is also within ourselves, and I wondered aloud how long it took to get to naked fun time in my first book, Illicit Impulse. So I went home and checked my paper copy. The first page with actual story on it is page 7. Grace, the heroine, has sex for the first time eleven pages later.

Yep! Pot, this is Kettle. Kettle, meet Pot.

In fact, my latest story, “1-800,” opens with the hero and heroine having sex. Like on page 1. Now, to be fair, it’s a short story, so there’s not a whole lot of time to get to the sex, but still, it’s right away.

I had to scramble for excuses. Debbie Ford or no Debbie Ford.

Click to buy.

Click to buy.

Sure, Grace gets it on right at the start of Chapter Two. She isn’t with John, who’s the hero. She does have to share every detail of her encounters with John — you know, for science — and they have a pretty difficult time working through all that. But Grace does get an early start on donating her orgasms to the advancement of neuroscience.

I don’t really have an excuse for starting “1-800” in bed. I knew the most important thing in the story was that the hero, Jason, was deeply in love with his fiancee, Kate. I guess I thought this was the hottest way to go about proving it. And it was kind of fun. I gave Jason a hard time after that. So there.

One of my favorite things about writing erotica and erotic romance is having the freedom to use sex for any number of plot and character development reasons. I think we have the most latitude to write angry sex, random sex, fearful sex, experimental sex, and this-won’t-go-beyond-tonight sex. I love that because I think we real people are having real sex in the real world for any number of reasons, many of which have little to do with romance.

So should I be more okay with the sex right at the beginning of the book?

I’ll try. I really will.

But if there’s a happy ending that close to the beginning, I’m going to need to see a much happier ending at the end. Know what I mean?

Do you think the sex is getting too close to page 1? Is that necessarily a problem? Let me know what you think and where you see it being done well.

And follow Lady Smut. We won’t make you wait for it.

From Point A to Point O: Don’t We Want the Longest Distance?

29 Jun
Sure, we'll go north. Eventually.

Sure, we’ll go north. Eventually.

By Alexa Day

I’ve seen a little more porn than usual in the news this week, and while I don’t write porn myself, I often find that porn professionals offer interesting perspectives on my own work. For instance, reading about a California measure that would require the use of condoms in porn made me think about my position on my characters’ use of condoms in my own work. (That measure, if you’re curious, is on its way to the California Senate appropriations committee. And if you’re curious, my characters use condoms where it makes sense to do so, which is all the time, for the headstrong women in my contemporaries.)

Yesterday, I read this article from former porn star Aurora Snow about what we’re willing to do for an orgasm, a moment of ecstasy that might last ten seconds if we’re lucky. Hugh Grant went to great risk for an orgasm, she writes. Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods went to great expense for them, she says.

Well, my thought was this: Do people really have sex just for the orgasm? Certainly, sex with the climax is preferable to sex without, under most circumstances. But I suspect that even sex without climax is preferable to no sex at all.

As an erotica writer (I use this phrase so often that it’s turning into my version of “You see, Jimmy …”), writing up to the orgasm gives me far more pleasure (as a writer, you nasty person) than the orgasm itself. Lingering in foreplay is fun. Exploring the intercourse is fun, too. But the orgasm itself, as Aurora notes, doesn’t take up much space. I don’t know how much orgasm readers want to hear about, honestly. I think they want to know more about the things he says or what she’s thinking or what their respective motivations are or how all that must feel. The arrival of the orgasm says we’re almost finished with all that wonderful wickedness, doesn’t it?

I recognize and celebrate the fact that porn is a completely different art form from erotic fiction and erotic romance. I know that much of porn condenses the emotional buildup that precedes the money shot. But porn does include the sex acts leading to orgasm. I mean, somewhere out there I’m sure there exists a porno that’s wall-to-wall money shots, but it cannot be selling very well. And if porn isn’t driven by those ten seconds (if you’re lucky), then is it so unreasonable to think that the rest of us aren’t driven by the orgasm, either?

The reason this might not be true for Aurora is in the Salon story’s headline: “Performative sex is utterly different.” Porn sex is, after all, work sex. It’s part of the job. It’s not like whatever Hugh and Charlie and Tiger were doing, which I suspect had little to do with the orgasm. It’s not like what all of us, including porn stars, off set, off the clock, and on their personal beds, are doing, either. That also has little to do with the orgasm, most of the time.

It’s easy for me to say that my focus is on the journey and not the destination when I am only on the journey recreationally. Sure, I’m writing the sex professionally, but I’m not at all under the same type of performance pressure as a porn star. I can afford to take my time and not worry about the climax.

In the wide, wonderful world off the page and off the screen, I imagine there are folks out there whose only consensual sexual goal is the ten-second orgasm. I would never dream of telling those folks that they’re doing something wrong. But things can be sooooo much righter in the hours before arrival.

If you’re not following Lady Smut, now’s the time. We go on and on and on.

Spring Forward … into a Nice Sex Dream

9 Mar
Through the magic of the sex dream, one can be on Team Fitz and Team Jake simultaneously. I call this Team Alexa.

Through the magic of the sex dream, one can be on Team Fitz and Team Jake simultaneously. I call this Team Alexa.

By Alexa Day

A great many of us lost an hour last night. Congratulations! Spring is on its way, and not a moment too soon. Sure, regular schedules are going to feel weird for a little while. Some folks are going to show up for stuff at the wrong time. But the good news is that losing that hour is going to create a low-grade sleep deficit for some lucky individuals. Those people, like me, will eventually get an excellent night’s sleep, if not tonight, then within the next few days.

My plan is to invest those extra z’s in a nice sex dream. What do you think? Want to spend a night having really safe, completely consequence-free sex with a very interested party (or parties)? Well, I can’t make any guarantees, but I can tell you how I’ve managed to induce some really interesting dreams.

If you explore the web, you’ll find a lot of fairly involved methods for inducing the sex dream. (The exception: sleep on your stomach. I’ve not tried it this way, but it sounds simple enough, right?) I’m not sure it has to be quite so complicated. In fact, I think trying too hard to induce the sex dream can have the opposite effect, whatever that might be. I’ve gotten my best results by thinking pleasant thoughts at bedtime and not getting too attached to the results.

My last experience was with Campbell Scott, circa The Exorcism of Emily Rose, which was on television when I dozed off. When I went to sleep, Campbell was speaking to the jury with that lovely voice of his, which is actually very well suited for the sex dream. Of course, all that loud exorcism-related shrieking woke me up later, but Campbell made the most of our limited time together. I would not have chosen Campbell for myself; I just hadn’t thought of him in that way. Thankfully, my subconscious knew better.

Now, it took about a week of pleasant thoughts to open my subconscious to Campbell Scott, but he was worth the effort. Just as I was getting ready to fall asleep, right after lights out, I casually directed my thoughts toward the idea of having a sexual dream. Nothing specific. Just casual easy thoughts, with the same level of detail one might assign to a dinner one might prepare ten days from now. If I start preparing now, then I should be about ready for the sweetest part of slumber right about when daylight savings and my already freaky schedule conspire to take me down for the count.

So who’s next? I don’t know. The mystery is part of what makes dream trysts so exciting. I do know I’ll have to avoid some stuff, though. Full Metal Jacket is on TV a lot lately, and I don’t want Stanley Kubrick or any of his body of work anywhere near my subconscious. If I don’t find a better alternative, though, I might wind up with some seriously surreal unsexiness in my dream life. Hopefully, I can find something a little more inspiring to guide my subconscious this week on the way to my next sweet dream. I do have a nice tall stack of books next to the nightstand.

Who’s waiting for you in the shadowy, consequence-free world of your dreams? Tell the world in the comments section. And make sure you’re following Lady Smut. We’ll keep all your secrets.

Nothin’ Casual About Casual Sex

20 Jan

by Kiersten Hallie Krum

Casual sex.

Oh sure, now I’ve got your attention.

I stumbled across this article on therichest.com—which right away should tell you something—about the most promiscuous cities in the world. Not along the lines of “Berlin, you slut,” but rather which cities are the ones whose residents are most comfortable with and most inclined toward having casual, non-romance or relationship seeking sex. The places that attract the most tourist traffic of those looking for a little bang bang on their break. But before it got on with the city hopping, the tour bus hit some talking points about casual sex, and just like that, my flight was delayed.


Nothing like The Big Easy for some easy lovin’

The majority of women surveyed for the article admitted to having casual sex as some point in their lives and a very small percentage of that number regretted doing so. The article mentions how “experts” blame the increased acceptance of casual sex in society for puberty occurring at younger ages in adolescents leading to the rise of sexual activity in teenagers. I think it’s more due to the media targeting teens as a demographic more and more over the last 20 or 30 years, particularly as advertisers try to grab onto their disposable cash, but they likely go hand in hand chicken and egg style. As casual sex gains more overt acceptance in society, the business world capitalizes on it by making more sexually explicit ads. Western society’s increased acceptance of casual sex is arguably most evident in movies, television and books (ahem), though I find it telling that, despite this, it’s the depictions of violence (and especially violence against women) that are ever more accessible to younger viewers more so than any sexual content, but that’s a different post. Overall, the article’s general consensus is that most people feel more comfortable engaging in casual sex when in a separate environment, like on vacation, but whether at home or away, setting is key for letting inhibitions fly free and indulging in some no-strings casual sex.

Nothin' at all casual about it.

Nothin’ at all casual about it.

But can sex ever truly be casual? My gut response to sex is never as simple as to be termed “casual”, so the idea of viewing sex merely as an adult theme fascinates me. This may be why I write sexy romantic suspense stories in which my characters get hot and heavy not long after they lay eyes on one another. 

Countless romance novels, erotic or otherwise, have launched with a hot one-night stand but the story starts not with the sex, fun as that is, but with the emotions, the connection the characters inevitably find in that scorching first hook up. But it’s not casual. It’s far from casual.

Do you think sex can ever really be casual? Which of the ten cities on that list would be on your bucket list given the chance for a tour of the most promiscuous cities of the world?

Follow LadySmut. Nobody would dare suggest we’re casual about anything.


Faking It While Making It: What’s With Faked Orgasms?

17 Nov

By Alexa Day

My mind has been on the orgasm this week, and not for the usual reasons. I blame Slate, in a good-natured, shoulder-slapping way. This week’s article about the faked orgasm scene in When Harry Met Sally started me thinking.

Are we women still faking orgasms? And, presuming the answer is yes, why are we doing that?

Considering that the faked orgasm is itself an act of deception, and a sexual one at that, it’s not altogether surprising that its proponents are less than forthcoming about their motivations. What might make it easier to pretend to have an orgasm than to actually have one? Fatigue? Boredom? How many women who are faking orgasms have never experienced one?

If our partners aren’t getting us to climax, isn’t it better for the relationship if we’re all honest about it? I might be looking at the world through romance-novel-colored glasses, but I think our partners genuinely want to give us … well … genuine pleasure. If they’re not hitting the mark, so to speak, aren’t we better served if we help out? If they’re not open to advice, aren’t we better served if we find partners who are? If we’ve never experienced pleasure in this way, why not begin to pursue it with a partner who’s also invested in it?

Are we really so inhibited about even the discussion of sex that we can’t find a way around the faked orgasm?

What *is* she having, anyway?

What *is* she having, anyway?

I think there might be an answer or two to all these questions in another Slate article. As I write this, I feel better about having orgasm on the brain this week. Not that I’m ashamed of that sort of thing – it is my line of work, in a way – but I’ve only written one orgasm-themed article this week. So there.

Slate interviewed Dr. Debby Herbenick about studies that revealed an “orgasm gap” between the genders. The study shows that 40 percent of women achieve orgasm during casual sexual experiences, compared to 80 percent of men.

Before we go even a second farther, you should know that the study only includes college students. It still makes a valid point or two about orgasm, but still, you should just know.

It’s easy to be discouraged by the lower number for women, but consider these factors. As we women get older – you know, older than college age – I think we become more sexually aware. When we learn more about ourselves, orgasm becomes a little easier to reach. Hookups leave so little space for communication, far less than a growing, developing relationship does. In addition, the study only covers hooking up with intercourse, which results in orgasm far less frequently than we often give it credit for. (As a romance writer, I will take some responsibility for that.)

But isn’t it possible that the young women in this study have figured out something that often eludes their more experienced counterparts? Maybe they realize that the orgasm isn’t the point of every sexual encounter. If that’s the case, we might just be looking at a future without faked orgasms, better real ones, and a richer spectrum of experiences in between. That’s a future worth exploring both in reality and in fiction.

I’d love to hear what you think about faking it while making it. Want to have what we’re having? All you have to do is follow us.

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