Tag Archives: younger men

As Young As We Feel? Considering the Younger Man

11 Apr

Don’t laugh. One person’s pacifier is another person’s sex toy.

By Alexa Day

I’ve never been one to do things just because other people are doing them. I’m content to let everyone else jump off the bridge our mothers told us so much about.

But now Cindy Gallop has me thinking about dating younger men.

I often struggle to explain who Cindy Gallop is and why her opinion matters so much to me. My knee-jerk response is usually, “Cindy Gallop is life! Cindy Gallop is a hero!” You all are probably looking for more than that, though, so let’s get you some facts.

Cindy developed Make Love, Not Porn, a video-sharing platform through which participants can upload videos of themselves having real-world sex with their partners, and stream videos posted by others. Her search for investors demonstrated that people are generally uncomfortable with openly supporting sex-positive businesses. But years of success in a male-dominated field (advertising), along with an understanding of how women do business (we “share the shit out of” the things we like), have made her quite an influencer in the realms of sex, gender, and business. Cindy once said she was the first person to include the phrase “come on my face” during a TED talk. In fact, I wrote about her at the 2014 Romance Festival, where she rocked my world.

Cindy has dated younger men for years. It’s part of the reason she came up with MLNP. Her younger partners learned everything they knew about sex from porn, to everyone’s detriment. MLNP, which bills itself as “pro-sex, pro-porn, and pro-knowing the difference,” offered viewers a more realistic set of videos to learn from. Or just to enjoy. You know, the days are getting longer as the seasons change.

When I first heard the MLNP origin story, I remember shaking my head and thinking that’s what comes of dating younger dudes. Now I’m not so sure. Now I’m starting to think it might be a good idea.

And it’s not just because I’m getting a little older myself.

I tend to be more about the older guys. They’re more established. Their self-confidence comes from life experience. They know who they are and what they want.

But Cindy says much of this is also true of younger guys … and they’re really good in bed.

This January, in New York Magazine, Cindy wrote “Why Sleeping with Younger Men Is Best — No Matter How Old You Are.” In the article, she said her primary criterion for choosing a new man was a simple one. He had to be nice. Everything else followed from that. No need to worry about what he thinks of your body — he’s a good guy. Your emotions are safe with him. When you make sure you only date the nice ones, she says, you’re only spending time with the men you respect and admire. “You meet younger men who appreciate everything about older women,” she says.

That makes sense. As much as I want to tell myself that they only have to be nice if we’re going to talk afterwards, I can see how having a nice partner, how making that a priority, would reduce unnecessary stress and make for a more pleasant experience. Even if this isn’t going to lead to a relationship, having a good person as a partner just makes things easier and, according to Cindy, sexier.

About the sex. According to Cindy, the sex itself is the icing on the cake — stamina, confidence, and short recovery periods — but icing is important, even when the cake is pretty damn good. Now, the older guys are pretty spectacular in their own way. Far fewer of them, I would wager, are still looking to porn for technique. Years of experience have made them creative. They already know what they do well. Still. Maybe there’s something to be said for a little more physical prowess and dare I say, a touch of innocence?

While a lot of women might avoid revealing their bodies to a younger lover, for fear of what that hardbodied fellow might think, Cindy doesn’t have that problem. Of course, it helps that Cindy has boatloads of self-confidence. She’s not all that concerned about what any man might think of her body — she thinks she looks fantastic. Besides, she’s not going for those superficial souls who might have something to say, since her rule is “nice guys only.” She’s also not trying to get married. Wedlock and children have never been part of her master plan. Her chain of younger lovers, in short-term and long-term relationships, is the romantic solution that works for her. She doesn’t have to worry about any one man’s opinion for any longer than she wants.

Cindy says society tends to approve more of older men with younger women. I wonder, if that’s true, why the general public has so much to say about older women with younger partners. Is it the old discomfort with women being single at a certain age? Is it the sense that an older woman is more in control of her life, and by extension, her relationship? Is it our prudish society rebelling against a grown woman’s choice to have a younger sex partner, with all the superficial frills and thrills?

Damn, is it just jealousy?

One thing is for sure: the disapproval of prudes and nosy people isn’t going to stop Cindy Gallop. It never has.

Maybe that’s why I’m considering taking a page out of her book.

Follow Lady Smut … all the way to Atlanta! Join LadySmut bloggers at the RT Booklovers Convention May 3-7, especially at our super special reader event – Never Have You Ever, Ever, Ever. Win crowns, fetish toys, books and more. Goodybags to first 100 people in line! Wednesday, May 3 at 1:30 p.m. Link: https://www.rtconvention.com/event/never-have-you-ever-ever-ever

Cindy Gallop Rocks My World at Romance Festival ’14

8 Jun

By Alexa Day

Cindy Gallop is my hero. If you’ve been hanging out with me for a while, you’ve heard me talking about her before. Yesterday, I got to listen to her for an hour at the HarperImpulse Romance Festival, at an electrifying Google Hangout. There’s so much to love about Cindy: she opens the conversation by talking about the younger men she dates, she’s on a mission to put porn and sex into perspective for everyone’s benefit, and she is a strong, confident, savvy, successful businesswoman.

I’m going to touch on just a bit of what she covered in the Hangout, but you can see the whole thing right here on YouTube.

1. Make Love, Not Porn. Cindy developed MLNP upon discovering that her younger partners were drawing their techniques from porn in the absence of other information about sex. MLNP is a video-sharing platform through which participants can upload videos of themselves having real-world sex with their partners, and stream videos posted by others. Even porn stars are into it. Porn stars have real world sex, too, after all, and it isn’t anything like the sex they have at work. (Which makes sense, right?) Cindy recalls the TED talk she gave on MLNP: “I am to this day the only TED speaker ever to utter the words ‘come on my face.'” It took her talk viral, and her project, MLNP, reaped the benefits.

2. Erotic fiction. Sexting is evidence of the written word’s power to excite and arouse in a world that’s often driven by the visual. Cindy sees an opportunity for those of us working in erotic fiction — we can tap an individual reader’s creative vision in a way that porn can’t. She also sees a future in erotica for men. So many men are interested in romance and its erotic components in that context, but society’s prevented them from exploring it. Men don’t want to be locked into an artificial gender construct any more than we women do, Cindy says. Erotic fiction also socializes sex and sexual issues. Fifty Shades of Grey made huge strides in this area; because “everyone” was reading it, everyone was talking about the subject matter.

“Women challenge the status quo because we are never it. That’s uncomfortable for men, but from that discomfort comes greatness.” — Cindy Gallop

3. Women in business. Fear of what others think is paralyzing to businesspeople in general and businesswomen in particular. If we continue to bow to that fear, we “will never own the future,” Cindy says. It’s keeping us from self-promoting — nice girls don’t brag. It’s keeping us from stepping into the spotlight — I’m no expert, I only know 99.9 percent of the subject matter. It’s keeping us from participating in the public forum — I have to be here in the office/at home in case someone needs me. Yes, men are in the majority in the business world, Cindy says, but we are still in our own way, and we have to stop that, for ourselves and for the girls who are watching us work.

4. Porn in perspective (or, your kids have probably already seen it). We would be better served to have even more sex and sexual content in YA books, Cindy says, because kids are being exposed to hard-core porn online at a pretty early age. Like at 8. Or maybe even 6. So many of the issues we have about sex in general can be resolved by opening up, says Cindy. Kids’ exposure to porn is no different. The new ‘sex talk’ means saying that not everyone does do the things you’re seeing out there. Some people really like the sorts of things you’re seeing, but others really don’t. Everyone’s different. Parents need more resources to really have this dialogue, and YA literature can supply those resources.

There’s still lots of Romance Festival left. Keep it here for all the hot updates and highlights … you know, if you’re not at the Festival yourself. Which you should be.

Older Women ROCK!

25 Jul


By Madeline Iva

Jimmy Fallon just had a baby girl! Well–his wife just had a baby girl.  And…thanks to the magic of People magazine, I found out that Jimmy’s wife is actually older than Jimmy F himself.

Nancy Juvonen is 46 to Jimmy’s 38.  I defy you to look at this picture and not say “awwwww they’re cute together.” But what makes me love Jimmy Fallon exponentially more than I used to kinda enjoy him is that she’s obviously not the Hollywood hottie most of us expect out of a ‘civilian’ wife.

What I love even MORE than the fact that she’s not just another liposuctioned, lip-injected, former-would-be-model wife (yes, I’m looking at you Adam Levine)…

AND that she’s older than he is….

…is that when you see them together, its obvious that she makes him laugh.

It warms my heart people!

She makes him laugh--how sexy is that?

She makes him laugh–how sexy is that?

What do I mean by civilian? Here’s what I mean–Matt Damon lately said in an interview that he was so thankful he married ‘a civilian’ instead of another celebrity.  The difference? Apparently, you can still lead a semi-normal life if your other half isn’t a fame seeking whore like yourself. For instance, Matt Damon can walk his kids to school while his good buddy Ben Affleck who married Jennifer Garner can’t. Apparently celebrities dating/married to/etc. other celebrities get an exponential amount of attention from the press. (Wow. That kind of power production makes me take a whole new look at a lot of these celeb hook-ups.)

Meanwhile, Nancy J. is actually a part of the Hollywood industry. She’s Drew Barrymore’s producing partner in their production company.  If you think back, you’ll remember that in the blink of an eye between Jimmy Fallon leaving Saturday Night Live and becoming a talk show host, he was the lead in a Drew Barrymore film called FEVER PITCH where he played an overly-devoted Red Sox fan to Drew Barrymore’s aspiring single thirtysomething exec.

It’s not a bad romantic comedy, actually. Jimmy is perfectly delectable in the role–but perhaps the movie didn’t do that well because it explores a little too well the disappointing reality of how boy-men can fixate on their hobbies/obsessions–completely ignoring the moments where they need to step up to the expectations of being in a solid relationship.

Not enough escapism, perhaps, for the romantic comedy crowd….?

Warning: severe reality check in this rom com

Warning: severe reality check in this rom com

I really don’t care for the term ‘cougar’ but we gotta celebrate the fact that in the goddess-like attempt to have it all, women–some women–can find a supportive man to be at their side while they are phenomenally successful.   And often, that someone supportive turns out to be younger.  Why not, right? It’s been my experience that younger guys who like older women like powerful women.

OR they just like strong sexy comfortable women and think age isn’t that big a deal.  Because let’s face it — it’s a weird flippity-floppy game that happens when a woman crosses the line of 40.

On one hand, as a friend of mine who’s a former model knows–American society shrieks out all these messages that women over 40 are somehow repellant as sexual creatures.  You’re no longer sexy.  You’re no longer considered attractive to men, who are going to look at younger women beside you, behind you, etc. You’re a drab soccer mom, a bat-crazy single, or a power-hungry bitch.

My ex-model friend really knows how to use her looks and charm to win a lot of prizes in life–I stand back in awe at her powers that she’s been honing for years because they’ve actually taken her pretty far when she works that magic mojo.  But her anxiety about getting ready to go out is increasing every day as she faces the mirror to get ready.  Yet to me she still looks as good if not better than when she was thirty–mostly because she’s happier now then she was then.

Sam Taylor-Wood and Aaron Johnson making it work, despite 22 yr age dif.

Sam Taylor-Wood and Aaron Johnson seem to be making it work, despite the 22 yr age dif.

Which is the other side of the flippety-flop.  I was at a birthday party where all these women were saying “Forty is so good–but fifty is even better.” Their unanimous cry had to do with how all the angst in their lives was over.  You know yourself when you’re older.  You know things about life and how to move through it with a modicum of grace.  You are more comfortable with yourself as a sexual being, and as a competent woman.  And this is what perhaps turns on the younger guys–you feel and relish your powerful bad-ass self. You know how to enjoy life so much more than you did in the insecurity-ridden twenties.

I’ve seen two sides of the younger-guy older woman thing.  I was having lunch with two guys who were around 25 as they were discussing their time in NYC, marked primarily by women at least ten years older.  The upshot: “They were kinda intimidating,” one confessed.  “Yeah,” the other one agreed.  I felt the same way dating older men when I was 19.  So there.

Madonna & Guy...not so much.

Madonna & Guy…not so much.

Meanwhile, I’ve also seen grad students drooling over their professor’s wife from afar.  “I met her and my first thought was, ‘do you like younger men’?” one student confessed.  Of course, he was in his thirties by then.

Is that the important dividing line an older woman should be aware of? In dating a younger man is she actually dating a man? Or is he still a bit of a boy?

The women running around dating the boys seem a little neurotic and sad to me.  The women getting into long term stable relationships seem happier — but what am I saying? That’s probably the way it is with everyone–maybe age has nothing to do with it at all?

It probably doesn’t. However, I offer a stern warning to the women out there who are still stuck in an unhappy mindset.  Just what made young women so miserable in their 20’s? Well, somewhere around middle school they start learning that you’re only as worthy as your hotness level to guys.  Once that kind of aculturation sets in, bye-bye contentment.  Rejecting that belief is where most women begin to be happy.  Don’t let the messages our culture puts out into the ionosphere suck you back into that fool’s game. (Again.)

You know better than that now…and if for some reason you still want to assure yourself you’ve got it going on just remember that if anything you now know how to put out your own kind of wattage much more successfully than you did before. If you’ve really got it going on, you even know how to make guys worry that they aren’t hot enough for you.



Ultimately, I think age doesn’t matter in a relationship once you’re both over thirty.  I’ll even reserve judgement for that mature person in his/her late twenties dating someone much older.

As for everyone else–hey, I know, love is blind.  As Woody Allen said that “the heart wants what the heart wants.”

I’ll just clap my hands over my eyes and wish you all the best of luck. 🙂

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